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#2215424 01/24/12 08:07 PM
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I'm back after a long time away from the boards. Been a couple of years, but I still recognize a few faces.

Hi, I'm Goldey, and I'm co-dependent. Just thought I'd get that out of the way. On the plus side, I'm smart and funny, and a loyal friend. Too loyal, sometimes. Thus, the co-dependency.

Over the last couple of years, I've experienced tremendous growth, thanks in large part to a supportive family of origin who recognized my bizarre behaviors as mental illness. They intervened, and I got the hospitalization, medication, and therapy needed to stabilize. Now, I am finally in a place where I can work with H on the issues in the marriage, namely the years of emotional and verbal abuse. I have a great IC, we have a very capable MC, and there is a spirit of cooperation that did not exist in the past.

It's not always pretty. The kids have had to watch it all, even my crazy manic episodes. Thank God, they are resilient. I've burned bridges with some dear friends. Mental illness is scary for some people. I've made new friends, who accept me for the new me.

The biggest change is that I am no longer able to work. At least, not right now. My recovery is time-consuming...attending support group, counseling, reading, managing the house as well as my stress levels. I sleep a lot more than I used to.

One thing I learned on the boards when I arrived, was that saving myself was my first priority. And that happened. Thanks DB'ers. love, Goldey


Me:44, WAW hx bi-polar H:48, hx of abuse
S:22, S:19, D:16
Filed Oct 08, dismissed
Filed again Jan 10, dismissed
Now Piecing
alter persona: SuperBoots
Joined: Sep 2003
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I remember you. You've made great progress. I too can relate to being overly loyal.

CL


CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

----Tao Te Ching
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Hi CL. I remember you too.
As the first to arrive, I will gladly fill your drink order now. smile
Goldey


Me:44, WAW hx bi-polar H:48, hx of abuse
S:22, S:19, D:16
Filed Oct 08, dismissed
Filed again Jan 10, dismissed
Now Piecing
alter persona: SuperBoots
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 1,518
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An update, again.
Spring was not very good for Goldey, but I finally started to perk up again after a med adjustment and am feeling better. Lately I've found where I've come "full circle" and am able to be available to those who are struggling in a much healthier way (meaning I have better boundaries).
I'm stuck as far as making progress in the M.
The bottom line, I just don't love him.
However, I am doing very good work with IC (who does not recommend MC at this time).

So, I'm taking care of Goldey. Sleeping better, eating better, exercising a little better and volunteering as I am able. I miss working. It used to be such a big part of my identity, now it is a distant memory. And sure, it would be nice to have a better financial outlook, but not at the risk of going back to that very dark place I was three years ago.

Peace,
Goldey


Me:44, WAW hx bi-polar H:48, hx of abuse
S:22, S:19, D:16
Filed Oct 08, dismissed
Filed again Jan 10, dismissed
Now Piecing
alter persona: SuperBoots
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
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Hello, so glad to hear you're doing better! My history here isn't long enough to remember the older stories, but it's always good to hear updates smile

Originally Posted By: goldeylox

I'm stuck as far as making progress in the M.
The bottom line, I just don't love him.


Steven Covey (Seven Habits of Highly Effective People) used to hear this a lot in counseling and his response was always "well then start!" And then they would say "oh you don't understand, they do this and that and blah blah blah and I don't love them anymore" and he would again say "well then you need to start!" Many people think of love as something that just is "in the air" or just happens, but it's not a noun, it's a verb. It's something we do. It is a choice. We can choose to love people, or we can choose not to love them. Now perhaps you have good, legitimate reasons not to love your husband, but if not then you can choose to love him if you want to. Have you read the 5 Love Languages? It's a good way to jump-start those loving feelings again. Good luck!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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AS,
Thx for the reminder on S. Covey. I am familiar with his work and he makes very good points. Have read 5 LL as well.
We are having a very stressful week (Thank goodness I have IC today) and yesterday we had a big argument. H said, "I'm done. Move out, I'm keeping the kids." I replied, "I'm not going anywhere, but I'll help you pack." Called his bluff, a 180 for Goldey. I moved out of our bedroom, stood my ground, and slept like a baby. We'll see what today brings.
Peace,
Goldey


Me:44, WAW hx bi-polar H:48, hx of abuse
S:22, S:19, D:16
Filed Oct 08, dismissed
Filed again Jan 10, dismissed
Now Piecing
alter persona: SuperBoots
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 1,518
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OP Offline
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I think the argument was just that, a normal regular argument that couples have when under stress. I think I may be triggered by our history, and need to keep that in mind sometimes.
Still, we're sleeping apart for now. I need my space.
Peace,
Goldey


Me:44, WAW hx bi-polar H:48, hx of abuse
S:22, S:19, D:16
Filed Oct 08, dismissed
Filed again Jan 10, dismissed
Now Piecing
alter persona: SuperBoots
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,778
Member
Offline
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Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,778
Originally Posted By: goldeylox

I'm stuck as far as making progress in the M.
The bottom line, I just don't love him.


So, I'm taking care of Goldey. Sleeping better, eating better, exercising a little better and volunteering as I am able.


It does sound like you're spiraling upward, but not the M yet. The progress made in the M is likely a reduction in harmful patterns. Your statement shows the level of connection you currently have with your spouse, and the doubts you have about the R. I hope you'll be able to share progress with the M, in future posts. Your M is the winter season ending, with spring hopefully coming soon.

CL


CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

----Tao Te Ching
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 1,518
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DD16 is away this week, we almost have the house to ourselves.
The last few days have been quite stressful again, another big fight on Friday night.
My typical response to confrontation is to run away. Again, I stood my ground. Even threw a couple of insults back, which I don't feel real good about. Must apologize for that.
Yesterday, someone pointed out to me that H has not dealt with his own trauma. In other words, when my mental illness took on a life of its own, it impacted my whole family. I have worked hard to understand what happened to me. I think I've worked out most of the demons. The same is not necessarily true for H and the Three Bears. I just assumed they were past it. So I need to change my perspective. H is controlling, yes. He is also afraid of what could happen again, because he has not finished recovering from the trauma. (Yes, it was that bad)
Thank goodness I have a great IC and we see a good MC as well. Now that I am stronger, I have a healthy support system, including those who will call BS when necessary.
That's all for now...
Peace,
Goldey


Me:44, WAW hx bi-polar H:48, hx of abuse
S:22, S:19, D:16
Filed Oct 08, dismissed
Filed again Jan 10, dismissed
Now Piecing
alter persona: SuperBoots

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