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A Message from Michele
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Re: (NA) Re: Husband's wants out & one foot out the door... [Re: RoRoinMD] #2219508
02/07/12 02:07 PM
02/07/12 02:07 PM
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labug Offline
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This really jumped put at me:


"I reconnected with this guy I used to work with on FB. There was chemistry when we first met, but nothing happened. We've been texting back and forth. He has a girlfriend and knows I'm married, so its just been chit chat. But I have been texting a lot more in front of H. I would catch him looking at me every time I picked up my phone. I know it was wrong, but I thought, not so much fun when the shoe is on the other foot, huh buddy? Anyway, the guy and I are just friends, and plan on keeping it that way."

Was this sort of tit-for-tat stuff a dynamic in your marriage? Is this who you want to be? I'm sure this jumped out because it's one of my issues, that "I'll show you!" behavior which is nothing but revenge fueled by hurt. I have to be so aware of my motives to keep me from controlling. But I think it's that slowing down and really examining my thoughts and actions that is really the heart of this journey.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Re: (NA) Re: Husband's wants out & one foot out the door... [Re: labug] #2219521
02/07/12 02:40 PM
02/07/12 02:40 PM
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RoRoinMD Offline OP
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labug, way to get to the heart of the issue. LOL

Yes, I can say the tit for tat stuff is probably one of the reasons we're where we are now. Thank you for pointing it out. (Like I didn't know that's what I was doing?) No, I don't want to be that person anymore. It hasn't gotten me anywhere but on my way to a D.

Just when I think I'm doing okay...


Me:37
H:GONE

Happy and loving life.
Re: (NA) Re: Husband's wants out & one foot out the door... [Re: RoRoinMD] #2219675
02/07/12 10:05 PM
02/07/12 10:05 PM
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RoRoinMD Offline OP
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Called H today at work to tell him I transferred money into our joint account so he could purchase something for my laptop (he got someone at his job to do some work on it for free). He asks me how I'm feeling. I tell him not that great, but would stay at work as long as I could. He then tells me to call or email him when I leave and if I need for him to leave work to come home with me he would. I told him that wasn't necessary. He said he just wanted to make sure I was okay. I called him when I was well on my way home. He says to be sure to get some rest and to call him if I needed anything at all.

It's almost as if he's going over the top with this stuff. I mean he was always mostly helpful when I've been sick before, but it's almost like he's trying to make up for wanting to leave. Regardless, I'm taking it at face value and as much as I want to lean on him for comfort, I won't.

Ordinarily, he would have liked for me to ask him for comfort, since I almost never do. Totally against DBing though, so back to resting I go.


Me:37
H:GONE

Happy and loving life.
Re: (NA) Re: Husband's wants out & one foot out the door... [Re: RoRoinMD] #2219744
02/08/12 01:10 AM
02/08/12 01:10 AM
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I'm with labug on this one. Jealousy can be a great tool to get a little more attention and intill the fear of loss in your H. It shows him you're taking yourslf out of he running as you being a back-up plan, causing him to pursue you instead. But there are better ways to show this. And it can backfire and push him away if his efforts to get your attention are ignored for the new emotional affair.

I would only reccomend this as a do something else last resort tool when when all efforts have failed or you chased him too much. I have had success with this with my WAW in her EA showing her I didn't need her after chasing, that I could move on like that and have my "just friends", and creating a little attraction for what she can't have. But I have a little more experience with this from the dating scene and know when to push her away and when to pull her closer. And that can only happen afte you've 180d enough to show him someone he would want to have but can't. The main thing with jealousy is you want to remain a challenge but not completely out of reach. It's an experment and watch thing and not a "all out in your face" statement.

Don't mistake it, once you start calling the new guy to talk about issues in your M or meeting at times you don't want your H to know about.... it's an AFFAIR. You can keep your male friends and go out to dinner but don't lose focus of your reasons to DR.

Re: (NA) Re: Husband's wants out & one foot out the door... [Re: RoRoinMD] #2219764
02/08/12 02:04 AM
02/08/12 02:04 AM
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RoRoinMD Offline OP
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Question - I know part of DBing is not having R talks. After the initial bomb, H said he would stay until after his trip to Vegas, which is next week. After finding out about the OW, he said again that he would find him a place. I told him I had never said for him to move out.

Now, he hasn't mentioned moving again, and I have been preparing myself mentally for it if he does. However, financially I need to be prepared to become a one income household. Is there no way I can bring this up without looking like I'm pursuing or want him to leave?

Or does this seem like me trying to control the situation? I hate second guessing everything. Makes me feel kinda crazy.


Me:37
H:GONE

Happy and loving life.
Re: (NA) Re: Husband's wants out & one foot out the door... [Re: RoRoinMD] #2219768
02/08/12 02:14 AM
02/08/12 02:14 AM
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It's probably best not to bring it up unless you want it to happen. At the same time, you should start preparing to be a one income household without involving H. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst kind of thing.

H drew a line in the sand when he said he would move out after his Vegas trip. If he hasn't been bringing it up and hasn't been looking for a place to live, he's probably reconsidering. If you shine a light on the deadline, he may move out just to save face so that he follows through. If you want to pave the road for him to stay, don't bring it up ever -- just pretend he didn't say it. Remember not to believe anything they say and only half of what they do. Just blow it off.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Re: (NA) Re: Husband's wants out & one foot out the door... [Re: RoRoinMD] #2219774
02/08/12 02:25 AM
02/08/12 02:25 AM
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You've exposed the affair and now he's in all or nothing and pursuing the OW even more. Been there laugh The best thing I heard to say in this situation is this, "I would prefer you stay and work on our marriage, but you're right this reltionship can't be saved. I'll help you pack up and find another place to stay". You agree with him and don't pressure him to think differently, sort of gently pushing him away in a nice way. Watch what he does next when you show him that "act as if" attitude. If he does move out and closer to her, let him! It's gong to end faster this way if you don't chase him and let it end on it's own

You can try to get support for the bills but I would think he is going to blow you off at first when he's in the A fog. I imagine you could bring it up to him but nothing will get him to change his mind about leaving and supporing both you and the OW aside from spousal support. Depends on his character. If you can try an automatic billing from the joint account.

Re: (NA) Re: Husband's wants out & one foot out the door... [Re: Accuray] #2219830
02/08/12 05:07 AM
02/08/12 05:07 AM
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RoRoinMD Offline OP
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Thanks Accuray. I will prepare on my end.

Tonight was the worst. I ran out to the store and when I came back H was playing slow jams thru his ipod. At first I was grooving too. This is something we used to do a lot - listen to old school R&B and just be with each other. Then a thought hit me. He probably is sitting across the room thinking about OW instead of me. (In my snooping to find out if there was an A, I found text messages referring to this.) And then I had to get out of there.

I had a good cry in the bathroom, then just laid across the bed trying to figure out where it all went wrong. Then guess who comes in the room asking if I'm ok. I say I'm fine. He asks why I'm crying. I say I'm not - which may have come out a little harsh. What I wanted to yell was you expect me to sit in here while you're thinking about your mistress? But I didn't. That would have just caused an argument.

I think I need a break from all this. I may take tomorrow off and do something just for me. I need a little pick me up.


Me:37
H:GONE

Happy and loving life.
Re: (NA) Re: Husband's wants out & one foot out the door... [Re: RoRoinMD] #2219876
02/08/12 12:58 PM
02/08/12 12:58 PM
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RoRoinMD Offline OP
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Still under the weather. H just asked if I needed him to take me to the dr. I said no and that I thought I could get there in my own.

Now, me being superwoman has been an issue in our marriage. Should I have said yes? I don't want to appear too needy even if I am sick, but don't want to appear like I don't need him if he's reaching out.


Me:37
H:GONE

Happy and loving life.
Re: (NA) Re: Husband's wants out & one foot out the door... [Re: RoRoinMD] #2219917
02/08/12 02:37 PM
02/08/12 02:37 PM
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labug Offline
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Would you have appreciated him taking you? Would this have validated him in some way?

FYI, you're at 106 posts-time for a new thread.:)


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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