CALL 303-444-7004 to get started right away!

 

 


A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


A Divorce Busting Telephone Coach
can help you save your marriage singlehandedly!
CALL 303-444-7004
or see Coaching Packages online at the Divorce Busting Store

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 10 of 12 1 2 8 9 10 11 12
(NA) Re: Husband's wants out & one foot out the door... [Re: RoRoinMD] #2219105
02/06/12 02:48 AM
02/06/12 02:48 AM
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 871
R
RoRoinMD Offline OP
Member
RoRoinMD  Offline OP
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 871
H keeps asking me what time it is and shouldn't I take some medicine. I asked him if he was trying to put me to sleep? He laughed and said no. I said it sure sounds like it. He said well you keep coughing. It's annoying me. I'm sure its mostly PMS so I'm going to stay in the bedroom where I've been most of tonight. Otherwise, I'll probably say something I shouldn't again.

Sometimes I just want to shake him and say WAKE UP! Don't you see what you're doing? UGH!


Me:37
H:GONE

Happy and loving life.
(NA) Re: Husband's wants out & one foot out the door... [Re: RoRoinMD] #2219176
02/06/12 02:02 PM
02/06/12 02:02 PM
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 871
R
RoRoinMD Offline OP
Member
RoRoinMD  Offline OP
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 871
Home sick today. Really hoping I feel better soon.

So last night ended up ok. Both in separate rooms and it felt weird but at this point everything does.

Another 180 for me - H asked me to schedule a dentist appt for him when I went on Friday. I did - for today. He was supposed to call and reschedule if he couldn't make it. He forgot, and this morning I kept my lips zipped and didn't mention it to him. On his way to work, he calls and asks me to call them and reschedule for him, because "he's driving and can't look up the number". Ordinarily I would have made a big deal about this, but I didn't. I just said Sure. My tone wasn't the greatest because he apologized, I guess for asking me. I quickly changed my tone, said don't worry about it. Called and canceled the appt and told the receptionist that he would call back to reschedule. Relayed the info to H and he said thank you. I said no problem and hung up.

Before I definitely would have badgered him to death about this. Not today. I'm working on not sweating the small stuff. Some days are better than others.


Me:37
H:GONE

Happy and loving life.
(NA) Re: Husband's wants out & one foot out the door... [Re: RoRoinMD] #2219200
02/06/12 03:38 PM
02/06/12 03:38 PM
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
A
Accuray Offline
Member
Accuray  Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
RoRoinMD,

Sorry to hear you are sick, and that you are feeling skeptical of DB. It's not guaranteed to work, but it's the BEST thing you can do right now. Pursuing will not work, nor will anger. Reading through your posts, you're having a hard time detaching and tend to fling barbs at H about his OW. That's normal and human, and it probably makes you feel better in the moment, but will make you feel worse longer term. H also is going to feel worse about it and your going to spin up a negative cycle where he'll want to avoid you fearing another barb, and his avoidance will make you more anxious and resentful, so you're more likely to attack. That's a death spiral as you can see that leads right down the drain.

You need to try to work on breaking that cycle by holding back on the comments. Keep telling yourself that H is not responsible for your happiness until you believe it.

Here's a suggestion: living with WAS with OP involved is painful because you badly want to control that situation and cannot. Find something you can control -- start a challenging fitness program and set a goal for yourself. Measure your progress weekly and keep a log. This has multiple benefits: (1) you will feel in control of your health, (2) you will become more attractive to H, (3) you'll meet new people and have more reasons to get out of the house.

I understand that you're doing exercise classes now -- if you're not adding goals and goal tracking, do that. It does help!

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
(NA) Re: Husband's wants out & one foot out the door... [Re: Accuray] #2219276
02/06/12 07:20 PM
02/06/12 07:20 PM
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 871
R
RoRoinMD Offline OP
Member
RoRoinMD  Offline OP
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 871
Thanks Accuray. Most days I do pretty good with holding back comments. I told myself last night NO MORE! Keep your lips zipped!

Detaching has been extra hard for me. But I resolved last night to do it finally. I have to for my own sanity. I just need to figure out how to detach without shutting down completely.

I will be focusing in me and my health. It's something that has been pushed to the wayside for far too long. And you're right. It is something I can control.

H called to check on me a couple of hours ago, but I was asleep. Just said get some rest and I said ok and hung up. Probably should not call back and wait for him to call, right?


Me:37
H:GONE

Happy and loving life.
(NA) Re: Husband's wants out & one foot out the door... [Re: RoRoinMD] #2219295
02/06/12 07:50 PM
02/06/12 07:50 PM
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 37
N
NSweet Offline
Member
NSweet  Offline
Member
N
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 37
RR,
Seems like he still cares for you or else he wouldn't be doing all those little things for you. Be sure to show a little appreciation in return but dial it down a bit. Men need to feel like they are good providers or else they get their feelings hurt. A simple "thank you" goes a long way.

And honey, stop bringing up the OW! Just stop it! Each time you do you're only hurting him because it reminds him of the guilt and shame he has over having to juggle both of you. You'll better your chances by avoiding those OW talks at all costs.

BTW You can bet the OW is jealous of his good time with you and taking care of you that he could be with her. So long as you aren't needy for him and driving him away the OW will be soon enough. Then she NOT YOU will be the woman saying "I need more and more, gimme, gimme!" at him for a little attention. And how will that make her look? There's one thing you've got she doesn't...DR and DR.com. You let her be the spoiled brat, you know how it's going to end and just what to do.

(NA) Re: Husband's wants out & one foot out the door... [Re: RoRoinMD] #2219321
02/06/12 08:47 PM
02/06/12 08:47 PM
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 871
R
RoRoinMD Offline OP
Member
RoRoinMD  Offline OP
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 871
Forgot to mention that I told H this weekend that I was thinking about getting a fish tank because I wanted a pet but wasn't really a dog or cat person. Why did he get right on his ipad and start looking for fish? Talking about he loves fish.

I was thinking to myself - Dude, you said you were moving, so these will be my fish, not yours! LOL

Sometimes I do have to laugh to keep from crying.


Me:37
H:GONE

Happy and loving life.
(NA) Re: Husband's wants out & one foot out the door... [Re: RoRoinMD] #2219347
02/06/12 10:00 PM
02/06/12 10:00 PM
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
A
Accuray Offline
Member
Accuray  Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
Good job not saying it out loud. Fish tanks take a lot of work if you haven't had one -- algae scraping, chemical balance in the water, and every so often you need to change the gravel and clean out the tank. Just so you know it's a bit of a work permit.

Detaching is hard for everyone, not just you, and it's not something you can just decide to do and flip it on or off like a light, you need to work on it every day until it becomes second nature.

I struggle with it too, despite the fact that I'm piecing I still let W's moods influence me too much. I haven't found the secret other than continued effort.

WRT your exercise program, goals are the key. It doesn't matter what they are, it could be weight, it could be measurements, it could be the amount of time it takes you to do something, it could be the distance you can go in some particular exercise activity. What I've found is that doing the activity can be a great stress relief, but it's keeping a log and measuring progress that can really help you feel better.

As you see your progress from week to week, it's inspiring and helps to rebuild your damaged self-esteem. Plus, it gives you something else to think about and focus on. Set a modest goal, figure out how to measure it, and start keeping track, the "in control" feeling is priceless when your spouse is off the rails.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
(NA) Re: Husband's wants out & one foot out the door... [Re: Accuray] #2219380
02/07/12 12:08 AM
02/07/12 12:08 AM
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 871
R
RoRoinMD Offline OP
Member
RoRoinMD  Offline OP
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 871
Accuray - I think I'll start with a small tank and see how it goes from there.

I haven't thought about specific weight loss goals yet. Before, I was trying to lose weight so we could have a baby. Since, that's not an option right now, and I've lost some weight on the A diet, I had put it on the back burner. I'll do some thinking on it tonight.

H did pick up dinner and some other things from the store. Still attentive for the most part, but he seems nervous or something tonight. Not himself. I asked him if he was okay. He said he was just tired. Weird.


Me:37
H:GONE

Happy and loving life.
(NA) Re: Husband's wants out & one foot out the door... [Re: RoRoinMD] #2219432
02/07/12 02:47 AM
02/07/12 02:47 AM
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 37
N
NSweet Offline
Member
NSweet  Offline
Member
N
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 37
I've seen that feeling from my wife. It means your 180 is working and he's reconsidering the A. You're now equal to or the slightly better woman. Whatever you do, do not get into a fight over the next few weeks and you'll see that look a lot more. Remember "you were friends first and H and W second".

Now he may "blur" the good times you had the next day and forget what he's said or promised. This is just him coping for showing insecurity and opening up to you, so you can expect a blur or ignoring to happen later. Don't sweat hon, just "act as if" and still be kind. Also get him do what he can that same day like going out to luch together or looking at fish at the pet store.

For motivation try the $1 game. Give yourself $1 for every day of good contact, and take away $2 for everyday of bad contact. So long as he isn't angry or arguing with you I'd consider that a good day. I'm up to $22 so far laugh

Look up Eat Stop Eat for weight loss. You can get it free or pay $40 I think. I lost 40+ lbs since June and with intermittent fasting I lost more fat than I ever did with cardio or low carb diets.

(NA) Re: Husband's wants out & one foot out the door... [Re: RoRoinMD] #2219501
02/07/12 01:26 PM
02/07/12 01:26 PM
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 871
R
RoRoinMD Offline OP
Member
RoRoinMD  Offline OP
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 871
Last night was interesting...

I reconnected with this guy I used to work with on FB. There was chemistry when we first met, but nothing happened. We've been texting back and forth. He has a girlfriend and knows I'm married, so its just been chit chat. But I have been texting a lot more in front of H. I would catch him looking at me every time I picked up my phone. I know it was wrong, but I thought, not so much fun when the shoe is on the other foot, huh buddy? Anyway, the guy and I are just friends, and plan on keeping it that way.

But...get this...I've mentioned that H "lost" his wedding ring. So he hasn't been wearing one. He has some cheaper rings that he could have worn to replace it, but had not. I haven't mentioned it to him. Well this morning, he comes in the bedroom and starts moving things around on the dresser. I'm like what are you doing? He says just getting my other ring. I didn't say one word. He kissed me on my cheek. Then on his way out he asked if I needed anything and if I was okay. I said I was fine and he left.

I feel like yesterday was the first day I have been even semi- detached. I just kept repeating to myself "I can't control what he does". Let's see how today goes.


Me:37
H:GONE

Happy and loving life.
Page 10 of 12 1 2 8 9 10 11 12

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004