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A Message from Michele
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(NA) Re: Husband's wants out & one foot out the door... [Re: RoRoinMD] #2218964
02/05/12 03:27 PM
02/05/12 03:27 PM
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 871
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RoRoinMD Offline OP
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RoRoinMD  Offline OP
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Journaling...

Still sick. I think I may have the flu for the first time in my entire life. NOT GOOD. H is still being helpful.

Read through some old posts on here last night. They didn't leave me hopeful. In fact, I started feeling like why am I even bothering with this DB stuff? It doesn't appear to work very well. I'm still not all the way out of my funk, but hopefully another nap and some meds will help.

From what I've read, I know it's a good sign H is still in the house (and bedroom). We've been getting along better than we were before. But there doesn't seem to be much guidance on what to do when the WAS is still in the home, there's no arguing or coldness, AND there's an OP involved.

I've read that I should not be a doormat. I get that. But if arguing and all that was a part of the old marriage, shouldn't kindness and tenderness be a part of the DB plan?

I mean I know the OW is still in the picture, even if she is in another state. It's been said that no R can take place while the A is still going on. I can see why now. But how should the LBS react to this while still living with the WAS?

I've been told not to confront and to set boundaries. But what if those boundaries (i.e, no sexual contact) was any issue in the marriage?

I'm so confused today. I thought I was doing okay with DBing. Then I second guess myself and wonder if I'm doing this right.

I have no idea if anything I've just written makes any sense at all. Just needed to get my thoughts out.


Me:37
H:GONE

Happy and loving life.
(NA) Re: Husband's wants out & one foot out the door... [Re: RoRoinMD] #2218999
02/05/12 07:11 PM
02/05/12 07:11 PM
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 30
California
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Ichrus Offline
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Ichrus  Offline
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Posts: 30
California
i want to bump this and ask the same for my similar sitch. my waw has ongoing ea with om, text and facebook messages mostly, some calls and sees him once a week at work. we still coparent in the same house, share a bed...but more like roommates. it seems like the only reasons she is staying right now is she is part time till aug. and could not really afford to be on her own now and she wants to minimize impact of seperation or divorce on kids by doing it over the summer.

so same, similar question as above, do i try to value and appreciate that we are still in same house and have time, vs. my feeling that waw is set on her course and has her vision of what life will be like...and will not see or consider the chance of us working it out until she sees the color of the grass on the other side or feels what life out on her own is really like.


Me:34, W:33
M:11 T:18
D1:6yo
D2&3:4yo (twins)
Bomb/ILYBNILWY/EA w/ co-worker: Oct 2011
Still in house together, she has move out date set for May 27, we tell the kids May 24...I hate "May"
(NA) Re: Husband's wants out & one foot out the door... [Re: Ichrus] #2219010
02/05/12 07:40 PM
02/05/12 07:40 PM
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 803
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BFloat Offline
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BFloat  Offline
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can't help you with having S still in the home. i guess there's a plus and minus to every situtation.

have you read wenitiki's story? she's in the MLC boards these days. very inspiring. her H still at home while OW in the picture. i really admire how strong she has become.

i hope you get better soon (flu wise). hang in there!


Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11
(NA) Re: Husband's wants out & one foot out the door... [Re: BFloat] #2219030
02/05/12 09:06 PM
02/05/12 09:06 PM
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 871
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RoRoinMD Offline OP
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RoRoinMD  Offline OP
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Thanks BF. I have started reading wenikitiki's threads. They have given me some insight.

There are pluses and minuses. Guess I'll have to wait and see if he still plans to move at the end of the month. Until then - zipped lips. Kickboxing is going to come in handy! :-)


Me:37
H:GONE

Happy and loving life.
(NA) Re: Husband's wants out & one foot out the door... [Re: RoRoinMD] #2219050
02/05/12 10:26 PM
02/05/12 10:26 PM
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BklynMom Offline
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I think if the WAS is still at home your job is to appear as desirable as possible. (Hard to do when you are sick) But when you are well every time he sees you, you should be well groomed and on your way to some fun activity. Also maybe you can get more into cooking while at home or playing an instrument, maybe painting. Just hobbies that H would find attractive.

It would be exhausting but its what you need to do. Make them a fool to want someone else.


----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

(NA) Re: Husband's wants out & one foot out the door... [Re: BklynMom] #2219059
02/05/12 11:30 PM
02/05/12 11:30 PM
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Posts: 871
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RoRoinMD Offline OP
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RoRoinMD  Offline OP
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Posts: 871
Okay, so I just sort of lost it.

I went to the store to grab something to eat. Mostly to get out of the house. Note to self: Driving while having the flu is not a good idea. I came back and H was just acting weird. So I asked him if my being sick had kept him from talking to his mistress. He says he wanted to make sure I was ok. I asked so you haven't talked to her? He says he has, but making sure I was okay and getting better was more important. I mumbled I guess it was. He asked me to repeat what I said. I told him that in a way I guess it was important to him. He then gets busy getting the trash together to take outside. I go take a shower because I am pissed!

Does he really expect for me to act like the OW doesn't exist? I want to tell him the sneaking around he's still doing makes him look pitiful. But I won't. I've already said too much as it is. This keeping my mouth closed thing isn't working so well. Why do I feel like I'm the one who is losing their mind?

I may just stay in my room for the rest of the night. Getting upset is making me feel worse and cough more. And I'm sure we won't talk much more for the rest of the night. So much for Super Bowl Sunday.


Me:37
H:GONE

Happy and loving life.
(NA) Re: Husband's wants out & one foot out the door... [Re: BklynMom] #2219063
02/05/12 11:43 PM
02/05/12 11:43 PM
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 20
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Womanontheverge Offline
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Hi,

I am a newcomer and have been desperately waiting to post in this forum. Please forgive me if I don't know all the abbreviations yet, but I need to get this off my chest, and I will try to be as concise as possible.

My husband and I have been married for 3 years and we have no children. This is the second marriage for both of us. When we originally got together, I he was already divorced, but I was legally separated, but still technically married. He knew this but we agreed to continue to see each other casually and started a bonafide relationship once my divorce was final.

Since we have been together (9 years in each other's lives, 6 years living together, 3 years married) I thought our relationship and subsequent marriage was fine. We had our ups and downs and arguments, but nothing that I felt would have me here right now.

My H is an entrepreneur and I had a corporate job until about 2 years ago. Since his business has been unsteady, I have been the breadwinner most of the time. I didn't have a problem with this, but I think it was taking a toll on his ego. In his past relationships and marriage, he took care of everything and I believe a lot of his self worth is tied to what he does for his significant other.

I have been growing increasingly frustrated because even though I was holding down the fort, he wasn't expressing any appreciation at all. Resentment set in and we were fighting like crazy. He is a very mild mannered and quiet guy and he has repeatedly told me that he doesn't like to argue, so he would rather say nothing than to argue which in turn infuriated me even more. Some of our interactions were not healthy (but never physical).

Fast forward to about 5 months ago, after the surprising death of his aunt, he announced to me that he needed to make a change in his life, that he wasn't happy in the marriage and hadn't been for awhile, that he actually "checked" out of the marriage back in '09 (never mentioned this to me) and that he wanted a divorce. He went on the tell me that every since we got together back in 03 that he was feeling guilty. He stated that God had spoke to him several time telling him that "he knows better than to deal with that woman" He said because he wanted to be with me, he ignored what he felt he heard and pursued me anyway. He also said that he subsequently married no only because he loved me, but he also felt that by "legitimizing" our union, that would somehow make it right with God.

He is now telling me that he feels because he was disobedient to go all those years ago that he felt our marriage has been "cursed" and that is why his business, and our marriage has not grown or prospered. He has NEVER told me about his until now. He said the reason why he didn't say anything was because he wanted to try to fix it on his own and he didn't want to hurt my feelings by suggesting that I was somehow a curse to him. So he kept it to himself while silently hoping that the marriage would self correct.

After he told me, he seems so convicted in leaving. I keep asking him to give me the opportunity to help him address the issues because I feel like I was fighting against a silent enemy that I didn't know was there.

He stated that he felt he gave it enough time in his mind because he has been tormented with guilt and depression about it for so many years. He is at his wits end and he wants out immediately. I feel hurt and devastated because I feel that he is not taking my feelings into considerations. I know that I have done things in the marriage that have made his feel emasculated, but I still feel like I don't deserve to be blindsided by this.

I really feel like he is going through a mid life crisis brought on by the unexpectedly death in his family, He feels like he is failure in every aspect of his life, including the marriage and he feels like he has no control of anything in his life. I think he feels that this is one thing he can control and decide on his own (and he feels justified in is decision) and one less thing that he has to feel disappointed about.

I love my husband very much and I want to save our marriage. He has moved out this week and it's killing me. I have prayed, read forums, the bible scriptures and everything else I can get my hands on to keep me motivated. I think he is so angry with himself and where he is in his life that he can't be rational.

I am trying to stay prayerful, but it is really wearing on me which is why I am truly a "woman on the verge".

Please help me!


Me- 43
H- 45
Married - 3 yrs
Together (off and on) 9 yrs
No kids
Bomb- 9/2011
Separated - 2/1/12
Filed for Divorce - 2/10/12
(NA) Re: Husband's wants out & one foot out the door... [Re: Womanontheverge] #2219089
02/06/12 01:52 AM
02/06/12 01:52 AM
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 871
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RoRoinMD Offline OP
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RoRoinMD  Offline OP
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Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 871
Hi Wotv, sorry you find yourself here. You probably want to create a separate thread for you, so you will get specific advice to your situation.

Have you read Divorce Remedy or Divorce Busting? If not, run do not walk to your nearest bookstore or library.


Me:37
H:GONE

Happy and loving life.
(NA) Re: Husband's wants out & one foot out the door... [Re: Womanontheverge] #2219092
02/06/12 01:56 AM
02/06/12 01:56 AM
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 37
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NSweet Offline
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NSweet  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 37
RR,
I know it's a little late but...

You've already changed his expectation of you and and made great progress with the 180. He knows you're a great woman and care for him and won't push him out the door for the A. So go dark now. Let him begin to miss what he took for granted and see over the next few months the OW can't/wont do that for him.

(NA) Re: Husband's wants out & one foot out the door... [Re: RoRoinMD] #2219097
02/06/12 02:23 AM
02/06/12 02:23 AM
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 20
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Womanontheverge Offline
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Womanontheverge  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 20
Hi RoRoinMD,

Thanks for your response. I have not read either book yet, but I plan to pick them up sometime this week.

I will create a separate thread because I really need some support from this community in additional to what I am doing for myself spiritually.


Me- 43
H- 45
Married - 3 yrs
Together (off and on) 9 yrs
No kids
Bomb- 9/2011
Separated - 2/1/12
Filed for Divorce - 2/10/12
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