Damn IS, tough times, I'm feeling for you. When my WAW moved out it was pretty rough. I'm not sure if this will happen to you but just to warn you it took months of her grabbing a few things here and their to move out of "our" house and into hers.
Each time it hurt, but it hurt a little less as time passed. Hopefully space will help the sitch. I'm feeling for you!
(((IS))) I am sorry for what you are going through. I am just glad that you are here with us again. IMy W packed a few things and my heart sunk so I can't imagine the pain you are feeling. She called you worthless because she needs an excuse to leave. We all know that what she said is crapp so do not listen to it. I really do not think your W has all that much rights over S. Talk to your L. And like JB said W is not going to have an easy time either. Do the best you can.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Yes sayitaint so I'm afraid she's going to keep dragging this out until who knows when. Still refuses to even talk to me about what to do with S....except threw out there that she thinks it's more stable for him to be with her all the time and visit me....OK>>>> once again, I'm the primary caregiver without question. People at his preschool don't even know her. His doctor barely has met her -- I take off work when he's sick, etc.... etc....... THIS HOUSE that I am keeping is where he's lived with his mama *me* and mommy *W* since birth. \
So let me get this WAW train of thought.....let's rip him from his mama who spends at least 5 hours of quality time with him every day, takes him to school every morning and picks him up most evenings, is remaining in his stable home with his dogs, etc....... and.... well I was musing on WTF W is thinking then I got a glimpse of what is really going on. What do you guys think of this>
She said, "I've given(given???) you everything.....my house *(seriously, I've paid half the mortgage 6 years, and am buying her out, where is the 'giving') my dogs *she has not paid one single vet bill for the past 4 or 5 years pleading poverty. Who paid the bills? Um....well....take a wild guess. PLUS she's said over and over she will be glad to get to a place with no dogs to have to take care of and that have occasional accidents in the house, etc.... So she wants the dogs? Not really....Why say it?
She is furious that I am able to afford to stay here in this nice house and she has had to take a big step down. She is just so angry at me because of that. Well hell's bells...WHO IS LEAVING????? NOT ME. You leave, you make the choices...you have the consequences.
Another thing is she keeps alluding to the fact that in our house 'my stuff' infiltrated everythign and she didn't have her own 'space' Ok, so what does that mean I asked? She said it was my TV, my furniture, my this, my that..... Hmmmmm.... I make more money. I bought the things for US -- OUR FAMILY. I never considered it 'my' stuff....To me it was ours. Space? She could have had one of two different rooms to put an office in if she had chosen and made her own kind of 'cave' but she chose not to do so. My fault? I think not.
This is going to get nasty I'm afraid and well, due to my precarious legal position with S -- I'm interviewing L's but here is my BIGGEST FEAR right now...... What if I do take her to court for custody under the case I posted. What if I lose? Then W could get back at me by refusing to let me see S AT ALL.
I'm already at the point of suicidal tendencies when I think of losing so much time with him...to a woman who is gone Mondays and Wednesdays socially every week, Tuesdays and Thursdays every week to exercise classes and Saturday mornings to exercise classes. After the classes they usually socialize. Who has S? Give you one guess. Who feeds him dinner at night and breakfast in the morning? Who tells him stories before bed and dresses him for school? Give you one guess........ Is SHE thinking about the best interest of our son? You tell me.
So if we do sit down and try to figure out a temporary *before L* way to do things with him, do you guys have any suggestions??? I wanted to do a 3 days one week, 4 days the next. She said "I'm not going to go 3 or 4 days without seeing him" See--------FANTASYLAND. WTF am i supposed to say to all this? My head spins ------ WOW>
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
thanks Rick. I'm hanging in there. I am trying to not lose my temper.....GRRRRR. Her family has always been too damn intrusive. W was just too young when we got together. No life experience. No living on her own.
If I thought it was good for S and I could stand to be apart from him(which i cannot) i would let her take him with NO HELP from me for a while and see how that does of reality bites. BUT she has the very very intrusive overbearing mother who would take up my slack and W probaly wouldn't get quite the dose she needs.
How in the living he@@ do people make it through this emotional stuff without just having a good old fashioned nervous breakdown. I'm about a half inch away from it....and the only thing that keeps me going is knowing my baby needs his mama.
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
thanks 25 == her friends and family are not L's for sure. High or delusional....perhaps. I don't know her friends since before the bomb, she really didn't hang out with anyone - now she's out all the time === She's stopped going to therapy. Said she's fine and doesn't need it anymore. Oh yeah, I see that.....
got to take care of the buying the house legalities asap. Got to interview a couple more L's. Still scared as i said in earlier post that if we go to court and I lose....what if I lose my son completely? I cannot imagine a future where my son is not first and foremost in my life. He is my life - which is the way it should be for a parent. I will somehow fight until the bitter end.....and I thank you for your opinion that I can prevail. I did think my position was better than the non bio parent in the case I posted. I found the adoption paperwork where we went through the WHOLE process together. It says 'domestic partners' -- we both signed all the stuff up to the actual legal adoption. I hid all that paperwork so W can't find it just in case....
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
IS- You are obviously very angry at your W and whether that is justified or not it is not going to help you. Remember 25's quote "anger is lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in someone else's eyes". I know this is easier said than done and I have times of anger at my WAW but I don't think you will make your best decisions and be your true self when acting from anger.
I'm glad you and all of us have this outlet to let off some steam so keep doing that.
What are you doing for you, for some stress relief? I had a pretty bad day today and yesterday and played basketball both nights and feel better. Get out for a walk or a jog with some music to clear your head a little.
Sorry your having a rough time, we're thinking about you.
Yes sayitaint so I'm afraid she's going to keep dragging this out until who knows when. Still refuses to even talk to me about what to do with S....except threw out there that she thinks it's more stable for him to be with her all the time and visit me....OK>>>> once again, I'm the primary caregiver without question. People at his preschool don't even know her. His doctor barely has met her -- I take off work when he's sick, etc.... etc....... THIS HOUSE that I am keeping is where he's lived with his mama *me* and mommy *W* since birth. \
this^^^ is the argument that a court will listen to
So let me get this WAW train of thought.....let's rip him from his mama who spends at least 5 hours of quality time with him every day, takes him to school every morning and picks him up most evenings, is remaining in his stable home with his dogs, etc....... and.... well I was musing on WTF W is thinking then I got a glimpse of what is really going on. What do you guys think of this>
She said, "I've given(given???) you everything.....my house *(seriously, I've paid half the mortgage 6 years, and am buying her out, where is the 'giving') my dogs *she has not paid one single vet bill for the past 4 or 5 years pleading poverty. Who paid the bills? Um....well....take a wild guess. PLUS she's said over and over she will be glad to get to a place with no dogs to have to take care of and that have occasional accidents in the house, etc.... So she wants the dogs? Not really....Why say it?
She is furious that I am able to afford to stay here in this nice house and she has had to take a big step down. She is just so angry at me because of that. Well hell's bells...WHO IS LEAVING????? NOT ME. You leave, you make the choices...you have the consequences.
Another thing is she keeps alluding to the fact that in our house 'my stuff' infiltrated everythign and she didn't have her own 'space' Ok, so what does that mean I asked? She said it was my TV, my furniture, my this, my that..... Hmmmmm.... I make more money. I bought the things for US -- OUR FAMILY. I never considered it 'my' stuff....To me it was ours. Space? She could have had one of two different rooms to put an office in if she had chosen and made her own kind of 'cave' but she chose not to do so. My fault? I think not. THIS IS ALL ALIEN SPEW....SPEW HERE AND SPEW THERE...
This is going to get nasty I'm afraid and well, due to my precarious legal position with S -- I'm interviewing L's but here is my BIGGEST FEAR right now...... What if I do take her to court for custody under the case I posted. What if I lose? Then W could get back at me by refusing to let me see S AT ALL.
hear a smacking noise as I slap sense into you...
THIS IS NOT AT ALL A REASONABLE FEAR MY Friend...think this out...
so if you fight FOR your son in court, you think the court will either give you OR her SOLE custody? "Winner takes it all"? Um, no.
You think if the case says "share" she'll punish you? She can't. And That's not how I read the case. They favor stability for the child and you BOTH are in his life. At least you'd get shared custody.
You MIGHT get more (as in physical custody and SHE might get visitation) b/c of the house issues and your work schedule and parental history. She only has one advantage and that's the piece of paper. She is not the bio mom. She's not the primary caregiver either. And her schedule does not allow her the time with him that yours does and you represent stability for him she lacks. What are YOU so afraid of? I'd be more terrified if i were HER!
But my guess would be shared custody is what happens.
If you lose, you lose primary custody but I don't see you losing all custody.
and If my guess about her new life with OW is true, she'll be happy to let you have time with him...so she gets free time! and you get S time!
so see there, you win.
I'm already at the point of suicidal tendencies when I think of losing so much time with him...to a woman who is gone Mondays and Wednesdays socially every week, Tuesdays and Thursdays every week to exercise classes and Saturday mornings to exercise classes. After the classes they usually socialize. Who has S? Give you one guess. Who feeds him dinner at night and breakfast in the morning? Who tells him stories before bed and dresses him for school? Give you one guess........ Is SHE thinking about the best interest of our son? You tell me.
So if we do sit down and try to figure out a temporary *before L* way to do things with him, do you guys have any suggestions??? I wanted to do a 3 days one week, 4 days the next. She said "I'm not going to go 3 or 4 days without seeing him" See--------FANTASYLAND. WTF am i supposed to say to all this? My head spins ------ WOW>
If she is not willing to do that many days apart (even though him switching home every night or every other night is lousy for him) then what does SHE propose?
And if you were to present HER proposal to a court with your L arguing for YOU to get custody for the reasons you listed and her listing her wishes...you might win.
I want you to Avoid giving in too much away unless your L (the new specilast you'll hire) tells you to do so. See, If a court sees that the parties agreed to something in writing then why go to court? They'll probably approve the written agreement if you both go along with it. Why reinvent the wheel?
They'll say "this worked for you, so what's the problem?" Which means you won't get more than you agree to now, you can only get less, imo. Be wary of agreeing to something you hate or think is extra bad for S.
Some of this will bum him out but remember not to project your pain onto him. Our kids found most moves to be "adventures" at that age. Later on, they complained that moving so much made them "the new kid" so often they felt a tad scarred by it.(Of course it's only now that I learned this...:( )
but you are not there yet. Don't borrow trouble from the future so much!
Get your legal ducks in a row, and keep moving in a forward direction...you will get through this. And I think you'll have a lot of time with him.
Figure out what is half and half-sounds like you did. Okay so since you intend to vigorously defend your legal interests (and tell her to look up that case if you think she'll avoid it but believe you ) maybe she'll wake up.
She's under the mistaken belief that SHE is "giving" you something you are not entitled to. I don't believe she's right. But that is symptomatic of her approach to all this.
(SIDENOTE: my h said some amazing things in his MLC days...very one sided views and some things I had never imagined. On our first date I told him that I had wanted to go into poliitcs. In 2005 H told me he could "not believe am not in the Senate by now"....as in United States Senate.
very disappointed in me for not achieving a goal I mentioned once at age 19 and then modified. Why? Oh b/c of 3 kids I raised mostly as a single parent AND having an AWOL h, and what else??? OH A JOB and demanding career and a revulsion at the political places I worked...did I tell h that at the time? YES![i] He knew my goals had evolved but his vision of what HE wanted for me had not. Alien MLC poop... I get mad again just thinking about it.
Hey, the case mostly helps you. but asking her to read it, I caution this b/c some people can't read the actual holdings of the court and when they read AN argument they like, they think that's the courts holdings...not so...just the court babbling...
Don't worry and I won't keep babbling myself now.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
