I'm going to put another spin on the situation. How do we know that he's not trying to win you back by saying the things he does? He knows you are doing well and have moved on to the point that you are comfortable w/your new life. He also may very well know you are dating....This man may be afraid of losing you and is telling you things that he thinks you want to hear.
Until he's earned his right to be a partner w/you, I would step back and allow him to continue his therapy and prove himself to you. Do not take him back w/o him doing the necessary work to heal. Many times, they come back and they've not done the work and out the door they go a second time and it is even more painful the second time around.
Live your life to the fullest. If it is meant to be, he will find a way to return to you as a mature and wiser man.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Maybe I shouldn't have said what stage I thought he is in. It really doesn't matter since what I am actually concerned with is what to do. No matter what stage it seems to me that the advice all of you are saying is the same. Be kind to him but keep boundaries. (I liked the idea of having responses ready for his comments) Don't go back to the old me who at the beginning tried to fix him. And go on with my life while protecting myself! No matter what he still has more to go through which I completely understand.
I have a GF who has gone from man to man since her divorce and has not spent a minute working on herself. She is terrified to be alone. I found I had to be alone to heal. Maybe everyone doesn't have to do that but I feel they do and I told my XH the same thing. I still at times have to embrace the fear and loneliness to know I am OK and love me right where I am.
Snodderly I think you are right about wanting me back. My friends and family continually tell me the same thing. But the things he is saying seem to come from a true place of pain. Do I think he is hoping that by telling me his realizations he thinks it will win me back.......very possible! Within a year of him leaving and me moving on he told me he wished he had never moved out and things have been out of control every since. Honestly, I think he wants me back yet is terrified of trying to get too close to me.....that would take being very vulnerable.
Good news is I understand the work he has to do!!! Been there! I have told him several times lately that he will never feel loved until he finally loves himself. Something I had to do! I have also been around mature men that know how to treat a woman! Very attractive! I know what I want now and don't want to settle for less. I would rather be alone!
I have to tell you.....even posting here brought back some negative feelings. It reminded me of my desperate search to find help in the whirlwind drama I found myself. I was in such a bad place back then and would have done anything to stop the madness. I don't want to go back into the drama......yet as I keep saying I don't want to be a part of the problem.
You have had some terrific advice - and none of it conflicting. rather offering some different perspectives and emphasis.
On a personal note, I got sucked back slightly into my xh's drama, and it is sooo easy to do this. They are such drama queens, and as well trained St Bernard dogs we tend to want to DO something instead of just going on being.
i had a real light bulb moment last night as i was peacefully pottering around my sitting room, of great acceptance of myself, the situation as it is, and my centredness. Interaction with crazy xh was threatening to destablise this, and it was me that was allowing it. And then I thought, he is no longer a very nice person. Not simply the way in which he dumped me, but self obsessed, and generally difficult and not much fun any more. Why on earth would I want someone like that in my life when I don't have to?
Call it acceptance, or detachment . . . and it isn't because I have met someone new to 'replace' my xh. I live alone, have a full life, a little lonely at times, but that is becoming less and less of an issue. Moving from a close family, and loving husband with all the kids at home to an empty nest and departed husband takes some adjusting to! It is my choice, not anyone else's fault.
With this detachment and acceptance is a loss of anger. There is still recognition that what he did was horrible, but I don't need to hang on to that feeling. Getting your heart to where your head it takes an awfully long time!
I am sure that I will feel rage and sadness from time to time, but I can see tose emotons for what they are, and acknowledge them and let them go. Everyone is right, they affect no-one but us.
Thank you so much for your responses. Your comments are really hitting home. This weekend as I was posting on this site I found myself reading more and more about MLC again. Something I had not done in almost a year and a half!!! Some of it was confusing me. There are those, as you know, that feel you hang on and fight for your X even after the divorce. That messes with my head.
But I do know I am getting sucked back into the vortex. And the funny thing is I don't think I want him back. I say "think" because my head says no but my actions seem to represent something else. Interesting, as you were saying beatrice, I have found my anxiety and depression rearing its ugly head since his reappearance. And my head is in a spin.
I am a rescuer and am one who is always helping out the underdog. Maybe because I have felt like an underdog at times and appreciate when someone helps me out. I was raised in a very religious home where you were taught that others were more important. I won't go into all of that but will just say my codependence runs deep.
25years.......my daughter is 13 and has never cried once about any of this. My XH worked A LOT. So they weren't very close. The D has actually pushed them to be closer to each other.
And you also asked what I was wanting. My XH has been so angry with me since before he left me even though he would send me texts saying he would always love me. Then out of the blue he is wanting to be around, texting how wonderful I am and saying how desperately he needs help. As I stated earlier.......I have never been here before. My fear was I could actually make him worse by things I said. At times he has "seemed" suicidal. So I was looking for help. I know people on this site have seen it all.
Would part of me like my XH back.......I think so. But as I keep stating, I have been around men that make me realize I could have a whole new life. Most people don't get the chance to start over again. Many of my gfs are jealous of my situation since they are in unhappy marriages!
I need to go back to putting the emphasis back on me!!! I hear all of you saying that loud and clear!! And I appreciate you getting me to reaffirm my commitment to myself!!! Thank you so much!!
of all the things you have said, the fact that your anxiety is back, in huge
and most important, you have a 13 y/o d...who is watching you.
If you go back to him b/c he's suicidal you are teaching her to take on the responsibility of another person's happiness, and a sick man at that. If you reconcile for unhealthy reasons or needs on your end, that's a life long example of what NOT to do in a r, and your d will be imprinted with it.
If you go back to him b/c he works on himself and changes and is ready to make a future with you and you want THAT, then you could leave a legacy of forgiveness in the face of redemption and that's a worthwhile legacy.
Another great legacy to leave her with, is moving on and showing her that we each create our happiness and nothing another person does will be allowed into our soul's contentment. Be happy with or without him and very possibly have a healthy happy r with another man...a different type of man and that teaches her what to look for or avoid in men...
I suspect she knows that he hurt you deeply and she was frightened it would destroy her only real parent. Then she saw you plod through it to get to a better place and there is probably more peace in her life now...don't discard that carelessly. Kids need to feel safe and stable. They don't need or want upheaval and we impose a lot of it on them.
teach her you can become centered and whole without another person.
Teach her that you will embrace your future with eagerness to know what good thing is right around the corner from you
and teach her how to be happy; that she is solely responsible for her happiness and you show her with GAL and a spiritual life of some sort, HOW to do that...
She's watching you, make no mistake.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
You just dropped some serious pearls on this thread! I needed to "hear" what you just said too, so THANKS!
I was about to say,"Yeah, what 25 said!" lol ! There is not much to add but I will say that your daughter is watching no doubt. She may not tell you how she feels for years to come. Show her what a healthy relationship looks like so that she will be able to discern it for herself when she goes out into the world.
Help her through example to end a cycle of codependence and putting other's needs before her own, as you mentioned. I was raised very religious and codependent as well. My Mom and her Mom were both this way. I am trying to break the cycle so that my daughters pick better mates and are more self aware than I ever was.
I applaud the work that you have done to this point ! Keep moving forward and doing the things that make you happy and fulfilled. You are doing well.
[quote=sydneyl2u]he was in pain and tried women, partying, buying and blaming to make himself feel better. None of it worked. He is reaching out now for help. And I do believe he loves me in his own dysfunctional way/quote]
It's unbelievable how much our situations are alike. I could have written this about my ex h.
It's sad because it's just too late.
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
I just wanted to let you know that I've looked over your old posts and threads. Your sitch is so very very similar to mine. Reading your posts from the past really has helped me. Just getting the validation that you're not crazy, and that this really is a bizarre reality we're thrust into helps so much.
It really is true, maybe time lines are different and some sitches are different scenarios, but they all say the same lines, react the same way, and just keep spinning on out of control no matter what we say or don't say. Do or don't do.
I wanted to say you're an inspiration to me in getting on with your life and moving forward steadily. How you're feeling is how I feel about stbx. However my stbx has not called and opened up as yours has.
I too still love my stbx. Part of me wants him home, but I realize that part of me is still in love with the " good" old husband. Not the alien person he is now. I don't like the alien. The alien makes me very frustrated when he allows the old husband to come out or do a "touch and go" so to speak. It strikes a cord, and touches my heart, and I end up yearing for what was and all the good things I want to believe are to still be inside of him. Maybe the good is still there, it's just very doormant now.
What I learned from this was about my codependency. I too tend to be a rescuer and a helper. When you see them go through this, all you want to do is help, make it better and take the pain away. But I told my stbx 8 months ago, I can't do it for him, he has to do it himself. I've taken this oppurtunity and apply it to other relationships that I have some co dependency on.
I have made friends with a very nice man. I too have now seen that there are nice men out there and that there can be happiness with our without a person. It's ok to go on with your life, and still be a friend with boundaries to xh.
My stbx too acted as if he didn't want me in his life at all, yet he couldn't let go. I really felt as if my job was to sit and be his audience and listen to it all be about him, while my heart and soul was being trampled on.
That's where boundaries and NC worked wonders for me.