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Wow! I wrote my first and only topic on this website 2 years ago. I have now been divorced 7 months and it has been crazy. He would not divorce me but would not come back. I had to push the divorce even though I did not want it. But I needed to since all through this he has been mean and depressed. He also has had OWomen. Once I found out about the first OW which was about a year and a half after he left I began dating. When he found out he had me followed and just about went crazy. I think he thought I was going to wait around until he figured out what he wanted.

This is my issue. Now my X is coming around. He tells me he now realizes how much I really did love him and how miserable he is. He is truly a mess and knows he needs help. He said he is going to counseling and texts me every few days about how he never appreciated me but that he always loved me and always will. He has texted these type of messages throughout the past two years but now they are much more consistent and he has even called to tell me.

I feel like he is in the Acceptance stage and I don't know what to do. He seems almost childlike and is looking to me for help and love and support. Today he texted that he will never find anyone to replace me. I then texted back.....its sad you even wanted to replace me. He then went back into defense mode and said I made mistakes in the marriage!

Its like he wants me yet doesn't know what he wants or is extremely afraid to be vulnerable. i think my family and friends would kill me if I ever even considered taking him back after some of the things he has done and said. (He is textbook MLC). Yet I don't want to say or do anything to harm him if he is trying to come out of this. A part of me still loves him very much!

If anyone can offer advise I would deeply appreciate it!!!!

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Originally Posted By: sydneyl2u
Wow! I wrote my first and only topic on this website 2 years ago. I have now been divorced 7 months and it has been crazy. He would not divorce me but would not come back. I had to push the divorce even though I did not want it. But I needed to since all through this he has been mean and depressed. He also has had OWomen. Once I found out about the first OW which was about a year and a half after he left I began dating. When he found out he had me followed and just about went crazy. I think he thought I was going to wait around until he figured out what he wanted.

This is my issue. Now my X is coming around. He tells me he now realizes how much I really did love him and how miserable he is. He is truly a mess and knows he needs help. He said he is going to counseling and texts me every few days about how he never appreciated me but that he always loved me and always will. He has texted these type of messages throughout the past two years but now they are much more consistent and he has even called to tell me.


so the pursuit is not new but more often? And what kind of life have you created for yourself in the meantime?

How has HE changed since the divorce

Whats different about YOU and how you interact now?


I feel like he is in the Acceptance stage and I don't know what to do.


why must you Do anything? isn't it up to him to decide what he wants and you decide what you want and IF those two wants are reconcilable? IF they are, you would explore the possibility of piecing together, slowly.



He seems almost childlike and is looking to me for help and love and support. Today he texted that he will never find anyone to replace me.

so is he desparate? Do you find that attractive?


I then texted back.....its sad you even wanted to replace me.


why did you say this?


He then went back into defense mode and said I made mistakes in the marriage!


You both sound as if you will repeat old behaviors if you are together b/c it is a lot like you used to handle things, isn't it? Maybe you are not a great match at this point. You both lack tools for making it work but that means you did not get them while married OR after...

have you seen a T or IC since all this happened? May I assume he has not?

IF not, why would things be better now than before?


Its like he wants me yet doesn't know what he wants or is extremely afraid to be vulnerable. i think my family and friends would kill me if I ever even considered taking him back after some of the things he has done and said. (He is textbook MLC). Yet I don't want to say or do anything to harm him if he is trying to come out of this. A part of me still loves him very much!

If anyone can offer advise I would deeply appreciate it!!!!


I feel that it is crystal clear you both need to change and do a lot more work on yourselves.

IF the time comes when your family sees you in a new light, in which you have become content as a woman, inwardly and outwardly, and you are happy and at peace

and they then see your x h in a place of growth and change, (which is he is not anywhere near yet, b/c he sent out a probe to you, and the minute you made it a tiny bit hard for him, he attacked...)

the ultimate question is---
how would marriage to you now be better or different?

And how would marriage to HIm be better of different?


Doesn't it seem that you'd be reverting to old habits fast - given how quickly you challenged him (to make it harder on him) and then he reverted?

It's a dance you both still do. Learn a new one.

But if your family did see real growth and change on both sides,

imo, most people would be glad to see redemption and forgiveness and would feel compassion.



M: 57 H: 60
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X = "ALASKA 2.0"
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DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

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Hi Sydney,

MLCers often exhibit unpredictable behavior that gets the LBS confused or emotionally involved. I think in many ways, we all still love the person that we married. The question is, are they the still that person... After everything that we have been through ... are we ?

Someone will be along shortly to give you some more insight than I would dare offer. I just wanted to tell you to keep posting, you have come to the right place...

GOOD LUCK !

*Ever*

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I'm sure others who have been in this stage themselves will be along to help but I just happened to come by and read this. My XH is only about 18 months into his rel. with OW and we're divorced, and he's in major replay. With that said, I know from reading others' posts here that there are some things I could suggest.

One is the whole "actions speak louder than words", and the fact that he is going to counseling is an action--can you trust him to believe he IS going or is he just saying he's going or will go? The "almost childlike" and "looking to you for help" is probably somewhat typical, but you're not the person who should be helping him figure himself out. If you fall into the trap of helping him, you will make him codependent on you (and you on him), and then it puts you into this vortex where if anything goes wrong, you are going to get blamed. See how in a way it already happened? You said that it was sad he wanted to replace you and he went back into blaming you for the past.

This is the kind of conversation that should be taking place in the context of marriage counseling sessions--where you do address your issues of the past but in a controlled environment where a 3rd party is there to keep you both from going into the blame game and to focus on whether you can rebuild something now or not.

I think you need to keep up whatever level of detachment you had before. If you had an independent life, keep it that way. You listen when he talks, of course, but I think you need to remain very detached. Acceptance is a long process, and he has MUCH work to do on himself. You can't be the one who is responsible for his recovery or lack thereof, and that's the one that that pops out to me above, that you sound a little like he's trying to put you into that role.

You also need to ask yourself if you want him back. A part of you still loves him. What about the other part? After all this time, is he still someone you want in your life? If so, what has to happen in HIS behavior for you to accept him?


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Thank you so much for your response. I think I might have given the wrong impression. I have dated and met some wonderful men. In fact I am dating a wonderful man right now. And when I am around him I realize I could have a relationship I have always wanted. So while part of me would love to have my family back together (if he were to get help) another part wants to start new with someone else!

And through this process I feel I have grown quite a bit. I feel learning about yourself when you go through such a process is almost certain unless maybe you are a narcissist. This has been hell and I wanted to gain something from this experience. I had to grieve over the mistakes I had made and pray that in the future I will not do the same. I know I still have more growth and have been working with a T the entire time.

And my XH has just started seeing someone. And I know he definitely is not in a place to be in a relationship. He needs to heal!

I am very codependent (something I am working on) and maybe that is what is coming out in me now. As I watch him in his misery I believe he does not want to be there. I don't think he ever wanted to be there but hasn't known the way out......he was in pain and tried women, partying, buying and blaming to make himself feel better. None of it worked. He is reaching out now for help. And I do believe he loves me in his own dysfunctional way.

He reminds me of a scared child and the part of me that loves him wants to help him out of the quagmire he has gotten into. I don't want to rescue him.....I don't even know how. But I also don't want to do things that could hurt his growth. He seems so vulnerable.

I don't know if this makes any sense!!! I am not sure I completely understand. I have never been here before.

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That's all it boils down to. What do YOU want?

What is he willing to do? Is he willing to do the hard work? What has he done so far. Lip service without action is just that...lip service.


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When I said my xh just started seeing someone I meant a therapist! I don't know if he is dating anyone right now or not! He has said he isn't but he told me that when he was with the OW! He does not know I am dating and hasn't even asked.

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So are you willing to give up the new guy to give it a go with your XH?


M-43 W-40
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Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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Well, the fact that he is seeing a therapist is a good start. Don't hitch your star to his wagon though just yet. Therapy takes time and effort, he will find out many things about himself if he really commits to working on himself.

Keep living as you are until such time that his actions show that he is really ready and willing to be in a relationship with you exclusively. This of course, is contingent upon if you want him back and both of you are willing to do the work to ... make it work.

Right now, he is just feeling things out. This is normal. You have to maintain your boundaries and life if there is ever to be any semblance of a new relationship between the two of you.

GOOD LUCK !

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From what you've posted, neither of you are in a position to be anything other than friends.

This is his journey and as he is seeing a therapist, then he is likely getting the help he needs.

IMHO, be his friend, at best. That's all you can do. Support him in his journey as you would support any friend, and do not do any of his work for him. No one learns to fish if we give them their fish.

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