Living with a WAW while going through a D part III

[2thepoint]

Do it! What are you waiting for?

[sayitaintso]

What's your motivation behind this? To GAL and have fun, to do a 180 and see if anything comes of it, to see if your W has a reaction???

[In_Shock]

i say if it's GAL which I think it is --- do it!!! You sound so much better than you did earlier in the sitch. You are focusing on you....growing and learning about yourself and realizing that you are worthwhile. I've thought a LOT about the time you asked me to put down 5 reasons why I feel I'm not worthy..... W is always telling me I'm such a horrible person because I don't listen to her (well, I have been working on that) and talk too much (granted, I have OCD), and that I work too much and am emotionally not growing fast enough for her. I read those and think....THOSE do not make me worthless. I'm working on learning how to be a better me.......

Rick you are doing the same. You are making so much progress and I"m glad you are my friend Someday we should go to the EE 25 is always suggesting together.

[gunny]

Good morning rick,
Sounds like things are reving along for you. You sound like you are in a good place, much more in control of your sitch, although that can go back and forth. This weekend was pretty cold, nice and sunny, got some good walking in along the canal, plus some good company with good friends. Enjoy the day buddy!

[onyourside2]

good morning

i'm not surprised you are going through your own re-appraisal of your marriage. you are in the middle of turbulent times emotionally where much change is afoot - in how you think, how you feel, what you do. and you are also investing a lot of energy into your relationship and possibly much more than W is (at least for now). given all this, some mixed feelings and uncertainty seem very normal. i encourage patience with yourself and not feeling like you need to rush into decisions or positions.

i also urge caution with your IC and their appraisal of your marriage. they hear only one side of it. it doesn't mean they don't have valuable insights or opinions. it's just that they work with incomplete data. if you have a copy of divorce remedy there is thoughtful material on this subject.

if you spend a couple days away, it is possible either or both of you will find this very relieving. it might say something about the simple relief in getting away from a tense situation, it might say something about how you feel about each other. in terms of DB, though, i would look for whether it changes any of the status quo patterns you have developed, even if in a small way. if so, look for any positive changes you can reinforce with low key appreciation. or, perhaps she will initiate a conversation in which you can listen really well and then not respond in the manner you usually do. i am hoping she can open up just a tiny bit and start giving feedback about how she feels or what she needs without you having to pursue this.

because you two have been with each other so long, she probably went into deep shut-down mode. what you don't know yet is if you are persistent enough with your DB strategies whether she will come around. because of the length of your relationship, that is likely to take a while - but - it can and does happen. one thing i can say for sure, all of your hard work will accrue to your benefit, regardless of how all of this turns out.

btw, have you visited the section of this site on success stories? they can be very informative.

here's a question: how do the two of you currently divide household responsibilities and how long have you been doing so?

[Rick1963]

Onyourside I know about tha IC issues I actually feel incomfortable speaking for my W but she is not open to C. So I listen and try and separate me from W.

I have read all of the success stories several times and yes patience is the way to go.

regarding your question about division of chores.
I pay most of the bills. W pays property taxes, food and vet. We don't have a mortgage. She and I throw the garbage that accumulates but I take them out into the street when it is pick up time. W cooks six of the seven days and I cook on Wednesdays ( love cooking but I get home a bit late and she never complained) . That is the only day she goes into the office. She works mostly from home. She usually cleans the house, and vacumms once a week. I do clean after myself or the bathrooms .We really don't make big messes. She takes D to medical appoinments deals with school and homework. I get home too late to help with that. She does all of the food shopping. We all do our own laundries. She also puts the stuff into the dishwasher and puts them away. I take care of all lawn maintenance, painting and all repairs. I do it mostly myself. We have been doing this for the past 8 years since we moved to where we are now. We used to do it differently before our move and when W changed work hrs. Before I did most of the cooking and we shared pick up or dropping off of D at day care. We don't do that anylonger. Whenever we had large gatherings at home I did all the cooking and paid for at least 1/2 or the whole thing. never thought of all these stuff.

wonder why you asked and how can it be usefull?

[onyourside2]

that's perfect, rick! you have a fairly well structured division of chores and have practiced that division for some time. it provides a great opportunity to "shuffle the deck"/turnover the system without it having any apparent agenda. you would do this by - without fanfare - simply assuming some of the chores that she would not feel territorial about.

there are some who would say, and i might be among them, that any disruption of the status quo, even if it's seemingly unrelated to the problems or issues - can be potentially beneficial and almost always informative. you don't even need to know where it's headed for it to be useful.

one possible result is that it might create some confusion or uncertainty or her part. please understand this - i am not suggesting this as some kind of mind game - but i am suggesting that "confusion" disrupts the highly negative prism through which she has been viewing your relationship. you can't do this directly because she will likely become defensive or suspicious and simply maintain her negative mind-stance. so, instead, you do this with simple actions and then observe the results.

does she react at all? if so, how? does she seem to resist? if so, does she tell you why or can you sense why? if she asks why you are doing it, just say because you want to. if she objects, and she is used to you just folding, then do something different. if she objects and she is not used to you folding, then just say no problem, she can keep doing it. the theme here is pattern-breaking and observation.

i think you are wise not to over-pursue her and counseling. it is possible she will see your GAL results and other changes and be attracted to the process. let her get there on her own.

from reading back over your thread i'm so glad to hear your overall mood is better. rock on!

onyourside2

[Rick1963]

That is interesting. I started cleaning my plates and utensil but leaving them on the counter. I used to finish eating and just put them in the sink. Maybe I should clean them and put them in the washer but she may object since I don't know if the stuff inside is already clean. She has not said anything about me doing that. I know that serving her her food would not be a good idea she is very paranoid/territorial about what goes on her plate.

I think I usually folded if she objected to something. What I have done a few Wednesdays is made up my own decision as to what will would have for dinner. Usually she will make something the day before and I would just heat it up. She has not said anything about it either. Maybe tomorrow I will make something new. Gotta think more about this and what I can assume.

I have a great idea, maybe I leave all the bills for her to pay, that would really break a pattern. Thanks for the suggestions. Nothing to lose at this point.

[Rick1963]

One more thing I can do is feed the dogs and let them out before she wakes up. Will see what she says.

[jbnati]

Rick, sometimes it doesn't hurt to do something different if what you're currently doing isn't working. You're right, what do you have to lose? Hang in there, man.