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EH,
In most cases, they won't come out and apologize. They will come out w/statements such as what your xh has stated to you. They have learned how to be conflict avoiders and rather than say "I'm sorry", they come up w/statements that sweeps the situation under the rug.

EH, don't rush into setting up a meeting w/him. You have to be ready to meet w/him, to hear what he has to say. Maybe you aren't ready to do so. If you aren't, then don't meet w/him. If you are, suggest a coffee shop so that it's not a long meeting for the first time....let me assure you, you will know when you are ready to meet w/him. You've been hurt terribly and you are afraid of being burned again. I can understand that...

Let me share w/you the experience that I had when I shared a meal w/my xh 6 years ago. He had already been gone 6 yrs and married to the ow for 3. We met in a small town. We sat down, ordered our meal (I insisted on separate checks), and we discussed my sister's children for a bit. Once the meal arrived, all he talked about was himself, the selling of his grandparents' home, and more about himself. He looked terrible. Oh, he did remember that I use to shop on Black Friday, etc. Not one word about marrying the ow, but he continued to twist this very tight band on his hand, so I knew he wanted me to ask...but I didn't. When the checks arrived, I pulled out my money, but he had to search his wallet and I guess he didn't have any money, so he used a credit card for his wings and draft beer. Maybe he was hoping that would take care of the bill like I use to when we were married. Did I volunteer to pay his bill? Absolutely not. When we walked to the parking lot, I wished him well and as I drove away, all I could think about was that I was correct about him being stuck in mlc. As I arrived home, the only thing I could think about was that he was now her problem.

Was I nervous about the meeting? Sure, because he had been one nasty mlcer, but I knew I needed closure and for me that was actually seeing him up close and hearing the garbage coming from his mouth. How do I feel about him today? I treat him like the salesman in a car dealership.

EH, if you should ever meet w/him, listen to him and watch his body language. Can he look you in the eye? The body language says it all in most cases. You will be given the opportunity to say what is on your mind and in your heart, but it shouldn't be done at the very first meeting...timing is everything and trust me, God will let you know when the time is right.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hi Snodderly,

Thank you for your reply. I have been away from the board since last week and am just catching up.

For starters, I must admit that on these few encounters with my ex that I see glimpses of the person that I used to know I can see myself with him.

But in reality, most days I don't give him too much thought and have learned to live without him. Quite happily I might add. While I do miss having a nuclear family, we have adjusted.

There was an former self sighting today as ex took the kids and a friend's child that he was very close to before MLC out to a sporting event today. No, he did not bring his trash along.

According to the kids, they had the time of their lives and ex enjoyed himself thoroughly. At times like this, I miss that person. But I know that most things that come from his mouth equate diarrhea these days so I get my solace from that fact. LOL. I am trying to learn how to expect the unexpected from him so that I won't be knocked off balance too easily.

I used to meet with him once every few months for coffee or lunch until the divorce was finalized. We were still married and doing so to me was some part of standing. But I often came out of these meetings more confused than ever because I realized that he was getting what he needed from both the other and me. The security of knowing that he could have access to me to check the gauges on where I was in my life should he need to come back as well as maintaining the farce of his new life with tramp and friends.

I decided to stop meeting with him because nothing was coming from it other than my frustration and raging emotions. During our meetings, he was always very selective in what he communicated, lying by omission, and often rewriting history. I finally had enough and realized that I was grasping at straws and that perhaps he would be a permanent resident of the tunnel. The cake eating was very apparent as well. IMHO, if life was so wonderful with tramp why did he need to meet with me? I started limiting my contact to save myself.

Now that there have been a few requests to meet, I am not sure what to do. I am not sure that I can stomach it, really. Although, going just to watch the psychobabble up close and personal might be worth the trip. LOL

Mixed feelings all around ... LOL

Hope that you are well...
*Ever*

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Hi, we are probably on the same kind of timescale, and like you I have learned to live happily alone, although I miss the nuclear family.

A good friend and I who both have MLC ex spouses have come to the conclusion that MLC is all about attention seeking, in one way o

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EH,
The old saying "when in doubt, do nothing" would apply to your situation. Since you are still not sure what to do, then sit quietly, the answers will come. EH, when the time is right, you will know what to do.

You do realize that you can turn the tables? If you wanted to try something different, the next time he asks about getting together, you could ask him why he wants to meet. You could ask him if it's in reference to the children, if not then don't do it. You are the distancer and he is the pursuer...you are a challenge to him and he wants to have that connection w/you again.

I'm glad he came to get the children and spent a wonderful time w/them. The memories of spending time w/his children will stay w/him. As to whether or not he does it again that is the $100 question. Sounds like he had some clarity during his time w/his children.

I hope you are doing well (otherwise).


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Originally Posted By: beatrice
I miss the nuclear family.


This is the one thing that I do not understand how to move forward from.

My nuclear family will never be whole again.

I have the best relationship with my adult kids.

But it will never be the same as it was.


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Ever and Snodderly. For some reason the end of my post was knocked off, but I agree 100% with Snodderly, and suggested the same - ask him WHY he wants to meet. . . . . .

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Everytime I have an interaction with ex it upsets my progress. My curiosity though sometimes supersedes this so I just have to interact. As time goes on it takes me less and less time to recover from the craziness. What is wonderful though is we have the choice to subject ourselves to it or not.
For me it is no longer a desperation to see ex but more of an observation study in MLC.


Me: 46 H:44
Together: 25 years
Married: 20 years
Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07
OW: EA began 2005
PA began end of 2006
3 children,20, 16, 6
ex asked for forgiveness
01/16/11

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Hi all,

The last time he asked for a meeting I did ask why. He said that it was,"I don't know. To catch up in general."

I am just not that into it anymore so I let it go. There is nothing to catch up on. Emails or texts can help with this, no need for in person contact IMHO. It would just be fishing or some other mind game. He is still with his trash so, no need for me to get all emotionally twisted again by opening up a door that should stay shut. LOL

I used to be desperate to see him. Not anymore. I am just ready for a new relationship.

HUGS to all !

*Ever*

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You really do get to that point where you wonder what it would be like to be with a mature rational male species.


Me: 46 H:44
Together: 25 years
Married: 20 years
Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07
OW: EA began 2005
PA began end of 2006
3 children,20, 16, 6
ex asked for forgiveness
01/16/11

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EH,
I'm going out on a limb here and please don't get upset w/me, but my question to you is this....if you already know that emails or texts would do the trick, then why all of the "questioning" as to whether you should meet up w/him or not?


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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