Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 9 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
job #2211392 01/09/12 05:25 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,180
Likes: 50
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,180
Likes: 50
IB,
When I referenced super mom, I meant that you can't do 50 thousand things at one time. You are the pillar of strength for your family, but you can't do it all at one time...Again one step at at time. What I found that helped me was to take one project at a time and complete it, rather than trying to do 2 or 3 things at a time. See if this will help you.

IB, you are going to be okay. It just takes time for your heart, soul and mind to heal.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2211417 01/09/12 06:54 PM
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,405
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,405
IB try to see if your anger or frustration is linked to how you feel physically. I've come to some pretty hardcore realizations over the past week or so that have shown me that for me, the two go hand in hand. If I feel physically strained, sore, tired, exhausted, sick, you name it, that's when I am the most emotionally messed up where I feel like it's just day one post-bomb and like my life is just "awful" while XH's is just "great" and he's dancing on the ashes of the marriage.

When I feel really good physically, I see things more clearly and see tons of progress for me and notice all the good things that came out of this tragedy.

I don't know which one comes first--I think the two things are so interrelated in me that it's a chicken and egg thing.

But maybe recognizing when you are feeling one or the other negative state, emotional vs. physical, and sort of "knowing" that the other is going to be right on its heels, will help, as you'll know that the two things feed one another and are temporary states.


M45
Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11
Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy
"Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
job #2211572 01/10/12 05:15 AM
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,481
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,481
IB I am sorry you are hurting. I do understand how you feel towards your ex, but let the anger go for you. Don't allow that anger to get the best of you. Find some outlet to let it all go.

Working out is one way I got through it. I am so glad today that I went down the path of fitness. I am healhty and fit today and in better shape to care for my kids and family now. It's amazing how much strength and energy you have when you eat healthy and workout.

I hope this is your year to find peace within yourself and with your past situation and please remember it is your past now, you are in complete control of your future. Stay positive and stay strong.


Me 50
H 42
S 22
S 9
D 7
M 12
T 17
H moved out 8/2006
H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks
H moved home 5/2011 for good

"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 4,542
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 4,542
IB,

It took me about 4 years post bomb to even start to feel "normal" again.Reallybeing able to forgive both myself and him came somewhere in there too. It seems like it should come faster, but it didn't for me.

With all that you do and the pressure of doing it alone, getting overwhelmed and angry is understandable. Small bites. Finances will eventually work themselves out. Granted my retirement plan may be prison (just kidding....sort of), but I have a plan wink

I hope today is better for you.

Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,319
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,319
Grace - thanks! There is a part of me that knows what I am feeling and going through is normal - but sometimes it doesn't help!

Tonight I was driving home from work and I had one of those moments of clarity (that are fairly rare these days) - I thought about how after working a seriously long day I would be so excited to just come home and crash in the arms of my XH. To talk it out with him - share with him. We were each other's best friend. I absolutely KNOW he felt the same too. I will never know why it wasn't enough for him - but I do miss him.


M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years
Ds-24,22/S-18
D - 3/11
A Day at a Time
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 2,538
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 2,538
IB - I think all of us really really miss our former spouses, and who they were, I say this not to trivialise your emotions, but to say I so know how you feel.

Just before my xh started his MLC he had made a long journey and stopped by friends who invited him to stay over before driving the 100 or so miles more to see me. They are good friends who serve superb food and wine, but my xh said he just wanted to get back and see me again! [These friends told me that after he had left when I believed the garbage that he never loved me]

As the song says 'It isn't me who changed but you' They are utterly changed, and it is so very hard to accept that. I remember someone saying here that death would be easier to bear, and being beaten up by another poster, who seemed to think they were wishing their ex spouse dead. I do not wish him dead, but I have a couple of widowed friends who have told me that they think what I have gone through in some ways is harder than their trauma. They volunteered this btw - I didn't ask!

Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 802
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 802
IB,
You must 'feel' to heal. Let the emotions hit, and then let them go. Make this about you and not about him. Focus on you and find out what you like again, what do you want to do with your one amazing life? The best thing I ever did was find amazing single girlfriends who share in the joy of life. Try to stay present and moving forward. It's normal to have sadness, anger, grief, but try hard to figure out why you feel those emotions and let them go. Try yoga if you can; it's done wonders for me. The mind body connection is amazing. Just breathe....

There are no distinct timelines for healing; everyone is different. Take your time, you'll get there. smile


Me 55
H 49
Married 21 years
No kids
bomb 5/09
filed 7/09
divorced and moving forward 5/10

Life is all about Plan B
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,319
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,319
Thanks Bea and GG - I think I am experiencing the "knowing vs. doing" gap!! I do have faith I will get there. And yes I am still making it about him - realizing how much I avoid caring for myself. Lifelong habit that is hard to break - but I want to!!!


M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years
Ds-24,22/S-18
D - 3/11
A Day at a Time
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,319
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,319
Well now...traveled to FL for daughter's college cheer competition. XH drives down with OW but she does not come to event. Good news.

Son stays back home - totals his car (fell asleep at the wheel on the highway...LUCKY to be alive) Bruises and some minor cuts

XH reveals "oh, I only have liability on his car not collision" SO, the $5800 value of the car means nothing and son has no car and son lives with me so I have to take him to school, practice, etc.

Oh yeah...my insurance changed and I am responsible for the first $3000 out of pocket.

3 years ago I was living a nice, middle-class life. Now I am so far down I don't know if I will EVER make it up again. How did this happen???? (rhetorical)

Surely the best times of my life are not gone...surely not.


M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years
Ds-24,22/S-18
D - 3/11
A Day at a Time
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 346
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 346
Irish - I am right there with you!! Sometimes I just look at my life and think...2 years ago I had a great life. Now I have lost my H, my house, my dog, in debt...divorce is life changing that is for sure!

Hang in there! The future is bright...at least that is what I pray for everyday.


TAMF
m:41
xh:41
T: 20
M: 15
D: 16
D: 14
Bomb dropped: 7/3/10
separated: 7/15/10
H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11
divorced: 8/26/12
Page 5 of 9 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard