Wife Has Finally Decided to Walk Away

[Greg1971]

Figure this is a good place to get my story out there and look for more support

[brenalim]

Welcome Greg. Feel free to share whatever, whenever you like.

[FA]

What's up Greg...things not looking good on the horizon? What's the scoop?

[alamo76]

Welcome to a place of sharing and virtual friendship! Just let us know how we can help.

Hope you're doing all right. Cheers.

[Greg1971]

I had posted all my background story on another thread here but it does not seem to be getting updated.

[Greg1971]

Try this again. Wife has told me she feels nothing towards me. Doesn't love me or hate me. We were married and one year later our son was born on our anniversary. Her father passed away later that year and less than nine months later her younger brother passed away. She was very close to both her father and brother. Our daughter was conceived the week her brother died so nine months later she was born. She has been diagnosed with Lupus and had a serious leg injury January of 2011. Through all of this I have been there and tried my best to be there for her. The physical part of our relationship started to dwindle which made me bitter and I started to shut down emotionally. We went to a therapist this past November/December but she basically told the therapist that nothing has changed and she wants out. Her support group is a single mom who has never been married and two friends who are divorced. I'm trying the LRT while we are still living in the house together which is good and bad. She has told everyone what a change I have made with my children but she has no emotion when she tells them that. I'm on a dialy rollercoaster ride of emotions and keep putting my children first but she stays out until very late hours of the morning and our children wonder where she is. I know that for the past four years she has been in contact with an old boyfriend and some other guys but I don't think anything physical has taken place but that does not change the way this has made me feel. This is just killing me right now. I know if she would lower that emotional wall I could be what she has always wanted but she has set her mind on the grass being greener without me.

[2thepoint]

Hi Greg - Sorry you find yourself here. So that forum members can offer words of wisdom and advice, please provide some specifics about your R with your W.

What have been some of the complaints from your W about you and what is missing in your R?

What 180's have you tried? Which ones seem to be working and which ones seem not to be working?

You mentioned the passing of your W's father and brother early in your marriage but what of it? Do you think these traumatic events are a factor in your sitch?

What are you doing to Get A Life away from the daily reminders of your marital problems?

If you could share some of this information it will be much easier for members to provide guidance.

Also, if you could break apart your comments in smaller sections it makes it easier to follow.

Hang in there, You will get support!

[Greg1971]

Sure thing. I believe my wife feels that she has been a single mom at times because of my long work hours. I coach a lot of teams and this leads me to be gone at night as well as during the regular work day.

I didn't know what to do during the deaths so i just gave her space to do her thing but I was present and available for her if she needed me.

I do believe the deaths and her Lupus and leg injury have colored her world a bit gray when it comes to our R. She tells me she worked on our marriage for three years but all I saw was her focusing on the kids, work and going back to school to get her Masters degree which has led her to working on her doctoral degree currently.

My 180 as of recently has been to spend as much time with the kids as possible as there are times in the year that it just isn't possible due to my coaching.

GAL since she dropped the news on me has been with my kids as well as getting back into touch with some of my old friends who I have lost touch with since we were married

[2thepoint]

"I believe my wife feels that she has been a single mom at times because of my long work hours."

"She tells me she worked on our marriage for three years..."

Ok, this is just surface stuff. You are going to have to DIG DEEP to determine what you need to work on if you hope to have a chance at salvaging your M.

When your W says she has worked on the M for 3 years, what is she referring to? What are her specific complaints?

"My 180 as of recently has been to spend as much time with the kids as possible as there are times in the year that it just isn't possible due to my coaching."

Is that it? Are there other areas that might be worthy of a 180? You mention coaching responsibilities. Is that what you do for a living or is it a hobby? To what extent is your W involved in these activities? Is this an area that can be curtailed in any meaningful way?

Here's an example from my own sitch: My W complained that I did not pay attention to the kids and that I spent too much time on the computer, among other things.

So, my immediate 180's included spending significantly more time with the kids (help with homework, play games with them, more involved in the discipline, etc.), significant cut back on computer time and became more respectful and attentive towards my W. These are just a few examples. But there are many more areas where a 180 is warranted in my R with my W. And I'm sure the same is true in your R.

A word of caution, you will hear on this forum that the smallest most consistent 180's are the ones that will get noticed. Also, don't do a 180 simply to get a reaction from your W. She'll see it as a tactic and won't believe it is going to last. So choose wisely and make sure that it is something that you can stick with.

Have you read the Divorce Remedy or Divorce Busters? If not, please do so ASAP. Another book I highly recommend is The 5 Love Languages. This book details how everyone has a dominant love language and they often speak their own love language to their S when they really should be speaking their S's love language.

Anyway, you got a long journey ahead of you. You will be challenged on this forum to think and grow and dig deep to really understand who you are, the role you played in the demise of your M and what you need to focus on if you hope to have a chance at reconciliation.

So, dig deep and keep posting.

[Greg1971]

I had to work the weekend of her brothers funeral and was out of town. She went out with friends and met up with her old HS boyfriend. I know all of this because I stumbled upon a diary she started around this time and I made the mistake of reading it. She stated something about how quickly the feelings from HS came back with exboyfriend. I said nothing about this and let it festr for three+ years which lead me down a road of jealousy where I would check her cell phone, emails etc... I kept finding things that would set me off and this ate me alive for the all this time. Due to this we developed some serious trust issues which are probably at the heart of all this.

I have been spending quality time with my kids as my 180 and making sure to get up early and help get them ready for school. Come home asap to help the kids with homework etc... She has noticed and appreciated this but it has not changed her feelings towards me at all according to her.

I coach for a living so it is not something I can really cut back although I have limited some of the time required this year to focus on the family. As she has told me numerous times lately, "too little, too late".

I'm trying to stay positive and have reached out to the church and anyone that can possibly give me positive insight into this matter.

Our therapist was very good I thought but not pro-marriage from what I can tell by the way she has handled my W decision to get out now.