NYC, in all those qualities that you indicate... your "stereotype"...
I would submit you don't have to change them... just SHIFT them... to be less focused on your W and more focused on yourself and your kids...
LOYAL to YOU and your KIDS... DEPENDABLE to YOU and your KIDS... ALWAYS THERE for your KIDS...
You do not need to be those things for your W...
If your focus changes... even if you do the same things... your W is likely to feel that you aren't doing things for her...
It may not be entirely clear how that came out... it doesn't have to be done in a way that's punitive nor disrespectful...
But none of the moments that you aren't specifically focused on your kids or yourself... does not need (perhaps should specifically NOT be) focused on your W...
You may feel you are giving your W her space... it is very likely your W is not feeling it... she can absolutely feel the complete loss of you, even though you are still there... in the same way that you feel the loss of her, even though she is still there...
Be her mirror... she is the perfect teacher for you... in the same way she acts and behaves with you (except for overly rude stuff), behave the same way... she will notice you've "checked out"... do it long enough and she will believe it's real...
LOYAL to YOU and your KIDS... DEPENDABLE to YOU and your KIDS... ALWAYS THERE for your KIDS...
As a by-product of all of this, I am doing the same for my W.
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You may feel you are giving your W her space... it is very likely your W is not feeling it...
I'm pretty sure you are right that my W is not feeling it. But only way to give more space is to move out of bedroom or home - and I won't be doing either.
Back on the rollercoaster - very cold last night and this morning.
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1. Change your hair style out of nowhere, show no concern whether your W likes it or not.
My hair style really only accomodates a "#1" these days
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You've been running? Sign up for a race! There's age group categories, and especially with the longer ones it's sometimes just about finishing.
I hadn't thought about signing up for a race - I like that idea.
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Take up an instrument(I personally did this one) Here's the best one: find something you've been wanting to do for years, quit making excuses and do it.
These would be like knocking two items in one go.
One thing that keeps coming up over and over - She does not love me, and she cannot regain that love. Not sure there is much I can do about that - except keep being the best person I can be.
M47 W45 D10 (Has CP) D7 M12 T14 ILYBINILWY 5/1/11 Asked for seperation 5/10/11 Seriously DBing 7/1/11 W admitted to 2 EA's on 11/3/11. Evidence of PA 11/5/11 - Definite evidence of PA 11/20/11 D - Final 7/11/12
One thing that keeps coming up over and over - She does not love me, and she cannot regain that love. Not sure there is much I can do about that - except keep being the best person I can be.
My wife said the same exact thing...repeatedly. Much of that sentiment ended up being based on the fact that she didn't believe I could change...or rather, that the changes she was seeing in me would be permanent. Another factor was the anger and resentment she felt because it took her saying she wanted a divorce to set those changes in motion. Once she saw that the changes were enduring, and once some of her anger began to subside, she found herself questioning whether or not the love she was so sure she had lost was really gone for good. And once she began to question that, she also began to take a look at her own role in how we ended up where we were.
I took the tact that, for the time being, all my wife owed me was honest, open communication so that we could continue co-parenting amicably, and other than that I gave her all the space to pretty much do and be what she wanted while I continued on DBing and GALing. I accepted whatever closeness, kindness, and affection she was willing to give me of her own accord, but I never came looking for it. Instead, I just focused on living my own life and taking care of the kids and looking for and doing 180's that I knew addressed some of her complaints in the marriage. The more I did that, the more she saw that I was going to be ok no matter what, and the more attractive I and the idea of staying married to me became to her.
H: 41 W: 35 M: 9 years T: 10 years S: 9 D: 7 ILYBINILWY & "I want a divorce": 6/22/2011 Piecing: 10/2011 Still going strong as of 4/2013
way back a few posts, you discussed the talk you two has and how it's out in the open now. Given the givens, I thought the talk went as well as it could realistically have gone.
yes as Sandi and KD say, you will need a commited marriage at some point but that is not now.
Originally Posted By: NYCPeter
As per usual - thanks for all the replies.
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LOYAL to YOU and your KIDS... DEPENDABLE to YOU and your KIDS... ALWAYS THERE for your KIDS...
As a by-product of all of this, I am doing the same for my W.
Quote:
You may feel you are giving your W her space... it is very likely your W is not feeling it...
I'm pretty sure you are right that my W is not feeling it. But only way to give more space is to move out of bedroom or home - and I won't be doing either.
NOT TRUE^^^...you had an opportunity to spend a night at your friends' and you chose otherwise.
That would have been unpredictable without risk to the girls AND would have given your w some space...and maybe something to doubt or wonder about you.
See, in a way, the reliable dependable Peter is also the "BORING and NOT exciting" and "not passionate/romantic" man she seems to believe she needs.
The opportunities that present themselves are things YOU MUST avail yourself of.
PReferring the "predictability" of being next to her was the path of least resistance but only in the short term...in the long run you'll have more nights next to her IF you start being unpredicatable and LESS available to her
and more interesting/exciting--mysterious--attractive.
Yes I know it's like a game. I never denied that!
Back on the rollercoaster - very cold last night and this morning.
Quote:
1. Change your hair style out of nowhere, show no concern whether your W likes it or not.
My hair style really only accomodates a "#1" these days
Quote:
You've been running? Sign up for a race! There's age group categories, and especially with the longer ones it's sometimes just about finishing.
I hadn't thought about signing up for a race - I like that idea.
Quote:
Take up an instrument(I personally did this one) Here's the best one: find something you've been wanting to do for years, quit making excuses and do it.
These would be like knocking two items in one go.
One thing that keeps coming up over and over - She does not love me, and she cannot regain that love. Not sure there is much I can do about that - except keep being the best person I can be. I reject this out of hand. Love is at least in part, a choice. It's a verb, an ACTION word...
if she once loved you, she can again. Stop worrying about whether she does. Know that she SHOULD love you, if she had any sense at all. Assume that down deep she does. You cannot function if you don't believe at least one of those two statements.
but yes, being the best YOU is your course of action.
With some mystery thrown in Peter. Change SOME of your behaviors, and if you cannot do so, that in itself would trouble me b/c it sounds rigid and boring, and means you won't push yourself into something that is even only mildly uncomfortable (how scary was it for you to spend a night at someone's house, yet you refused.) Do something new or you will not grow. Growth requires some change. And that is a good thing.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I'm also sure your wife at some point in the past also said she'd never stop loving you.
So it can go both ways.
Honestly stop using whether she says ily or not as a metric. Its really not. When things started improving for me and my W she showed me love with big fancy breakfasts.
Your w is probably not there yet, but give it time.
Here is one more tip for creating mystery. If you were newly single and on the market how would you change to attract the woman of your dreams? Whatever it is do that!
One thing that keeps coming up over and over - She does not love me, and she cannot regain that love. Not sure there is much I can do about that - except keep being the best person I can be.
Are you quoting your W or are you stating this as a fact? There might be some confusion in the house here as to what you meant to say.
In any case, if you are stating this to be "true," you should pop on over to the "Another Divorce Busted!" section of the forums. You'll find that MOST successful DB-ers had to hear their WAS' say things like "I've never loved you," "I'll never love you again," "Too little, too late," etc. This is merely how they feel RIGHT NOW (or just how they SAY they feel, too, even though they might be feeling something different deep down and don't want you to know about it). People change over time and circumstances, especially when it comes to relationships.
I am quoting my W. One thing is for certain if she had respect for me or our M she would not have had an A with at least 6 months of the A occurring before she mentioned wanting to break up.
Again - need to remind myself that's her problem. I contributed to the situation but she took the ultimate step.
M47 W45 D10 (Has CP) D7 M12 T14 ILYBINILWY 5/1/11 Asked for seperation 5/10/11 Seriously DBing 7/1/11 W admitted to 2 EA's on 11/3/11. Evidence of PA 11/5/11 - Definite evidence of PA 11/20/11 D - Final 7/11/12
I'd caution you from trying to read too much into what your wife says about her feelings for your right now. When someone is actively in an affair, they are usually seething with a potent mix of rage, resentment and ENTITLEMENT, and her feelings are going to be all over the map.
Five days before my wife told me "I love you, I've ALWAYS loved you, YOU'RE MY HOME," she was telling OM "You're the one for me," "no one does it for me like you do," and telling him that I made her "physically ill" and she would NEVER be with me -- ever!
That was 4 1/2 years ago. Today we are reconciled, and have celebrated the birth of our first grandchild, our 50th birthdays, and our 25th wedding anniversary.
