Peter, I lived through the post-affair period -- your W will be tougher and meaner to you now than ever. She is grieving and she's hurt, and she's going to look for people to take it out on, and you are unfortunately first in line. I would shelve thoughts of reconciliation for now. Give her six weeks and see what her mindset is like.
For now, continue to give space, detach, act like you're on your own agenda (as you've been doing). Don't get your hopes up too soon, that will lead you to pursue and make things worse.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Peter, I lived through the post-affair period -- your W will be tougher and meaner to you now than ever. She is grieving and she's hurt, and she's going to look for people to take it out on, and you are unfortunately first in line. I would shelve thoughts of reconciliation for now. Give her six weeks and see what her mindset is like.
For now, continue to give space, detach, act like you're on your own agenda (as you've been doing). Don't get your hopes up too soon, that will lead you to pursue and make things worse.
Came home tonight - she's actually been quite nice so far.
Did a 180 - W wants to stay overnight with the girls at the lakehouse on Thanksgiving night while I come home. Normally I would have said something about me not staying over or having the girls come home with me.
I listened and she pointed out Grandparents and cousins will be there - I agreed it would be fun for the girls to stay there overnight and I'll pick them up Friday evening (W will be at work). Guess I'll be getting a round of golf in on Friday provided the weather holds up.
Still have the PA thoughts in my head - just know I need to hold my tounge the next "disagreement" we have. If she's ever to continue the R I'll lay out my boundaries re: OM then without revealing I know it became physical.
M47 W45 D10 (Has CP) D7 M12 T14 ILYBINILWY 5/1/11 Asked for seperation 5/10/11 Seriously DBing 7/1/11 W admitted to 2 EA's on 11/3/11. Evidence of PA 11/5/11 - Definite evidence of PA 11/20/11 D - Final 7/11/12
Peter, I lived through the post-affair period -- your W will be tougher and meaner to you now than ever. She is grieving and she's hurt, and she's going to look for people to take it out on, and you are unfortunately first in line. I would shelve thoughts of reconciliation for now. Give her six weeks and see what her mindset is like.
For now, continue to give space, detach, act like you're on your own agenda (as you've been doing). Don't get your hopes up too soon, that will lead you to pursue and make things worse.
Accuray
Wisdom. ^^^ Starsky
great advice already echoed.
Peter, listen to this^^^...do your 180s and be the best h and dad you can be. Decide NOTHING now, or soon.
You are reeling...no one makes good choices when they are off balance.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
W and I watched TV and then went to bed. She was obviously itching to say something - she asked if I had looked at her iPhone. I didn't say anything...
W - "It was in a different position to where I left it" W- "So you know". P - "Yes - I know". W - "He was just a friend" P - "Friends don't have sex" (Yes I know I backslid...) W - "It wasn't like that" P - "What was it like then?" W - "Our M was over by then" P - "Not to my knowledge"
P - "W - I know I created an atmosphere that allowed this to happen" P - "I want a new M - we've both made mistakes and we have the opportunity to start fresh". W - "I don't know whether I want to or can". P - "I understand - it'll be hard work but the rewards at the end are worth it". W - "I did try" P - "I know and so have I, but we ave never tried at the same time" W - "True - but I can't trust that you have changed permenantly" P - "How will you ever know if you don't hang around to see it" W - "I don't know if I can". P - "Well I think it's worth the effort, mant marraiges that go through this come back much stronger" (more backsliding)
I tried to sleep after that - with a lot of difficulty. Eventually nodded off - woke up at 5:30am, W was for the want of a better word, "getting intimate" with me. I responded and we had sex - First time in months. I wouldn't call it ML as it was pretty functional.
This morning we've been pleasant and neither of us have mentioned last night. I think she's almost relieved it's out in the open.
There were some small backsliding in the convo - but hey I'm human.
I don't know what's next - keep up DBing, keep up the 180s and keep the changes going. Consistency, time and patience.
We're off to the in-laws for Thanksgiving dinner, they are staying the night and I'll be playing golf tomorrow.
I don't think she's filed and I don't think she will before the New Year. Tomorrow night should be interesting as the girls will still be at the in-laws and we'll be alone when she comes home from work. I plan on being asleep...
M47 W45 D10 (Has CP) D7 M12 T14 ILYBINILWY 5/1/11 Asked for seperation 5/10/11 Seriously DBing 7/1/11 W admitted to 2 EA's on 11/3/11. Evidence of PA 11/5/11 - Definite evidence of PA 11/20/11 D - Final 7/11/12
Firstly, my sympathies for what you're going through. I don't post much here anymore. Secondly,
Originally Posted By: NYCPeter
She was obviously itching to say something - she asked if I had looked at her iPhone
She left the phone out on purpose. You're being manipulated and tested. All of this recent stuff (incl. the sex) was to pull you back in line until she decides what SHE wants to do.
Personally I would not have slept with her until she had an STD test. Now that you have you need to get and get one done asap. This is for YOUR safety and health. Please do this.
In the meantime you absolutely MUST back as far away from her as possible and give her space. She needs time to grieve the loss of her 'soulmate' (I STILL get nauseous using that word) and the death of her fantasy. What you can expect are WILD mood swings from her for at least the next six months. She needs to work OM out of her system completely -- if she doesn't move on to another OM.
Additionally, as you've found out, as much as you suspect an affair, as much as you prepare for it mentally -- the discovery is still the worst kick in the nuts you can get. Your own fantasy and secret hope of her fidelity have been shattered and you're knocked completely off kilter.
You're going to need some space and time of your own to get centered. Distance yourself from her and do your GAL. Don't stop taking back control of your life right now. You cannot decide if you want her or not right now. The TIMING is WRONG and you make bad decisions in an emotional state.
You showed some good self-control in not rushing after her to beat the facts over her head when you first found out. I applaud you for that. Get back in the drivers seat and take back control of yourself.
FYI - I'm one of the rare one's here that is fully reconciled with my W.
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
She needs time to grieve the loss of her 'soulmate' (I STILL get nauseous using that word) and the death of her fantasy. What you can expect are WILD mood swings from her for at least the next six months. She needs to work OM out of her system completely -- if she doesn't move on to another OM.
But she didn't say anything about ending her A with OM, did she?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She is totally suckering you Rick. My W has been doing the same thing with Facebook. Using it to prove that I'm still not letting go like I say I am. She deleted photos of us off FB and when I noticed that was a trigger. It made her mad and was proof to her that I'm not letting go and pursuing. So when a week or so later she blocked me from getting FB updates from her I left it. I did not mention it and will not. I know full well it's a test to see if I'm obsessing over her via Facebook. I'm not going to take that bait.
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
