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Joined: May 2011
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Here are links to my first three threads. My sig. explains my sitch below.

Too Tired to Fight
Grace, Love, Compassion, and Faith
Grace, Love, Compassion, and Faith - Good Stuff

With my w out of town, I have hit my year mark since the "I don't know if I'm in love with you" bomb. So much in my life has changed since then. So much of myself has changed.

I have seen alot of new faces on the board. Soo many.. it's hard to keep track.

So my first post in my new thread is for you newcomers. Of course - all the rest of you can read it too. wink

When the bomb dropped.. I was devastated. My life, as I knew it, was over. My future unknown. I honestly had no idea how I was going to survive.

My MC, who briefly became my IC, said the first (and one of many) things that would influence my life. " Don't just take care of yourself. Now is the time Val, to take exquisite care of yourself."

She couldn't have been more right.

Here are a few little things that helped me begin my journey to taking care of myself.

Eat when you can - for me.... was barely... so I made a decision to carry a protein bar with me. At least I knew I was getting energy if I could swallow at least one bite.

Sleep when you can
- It's okay to take naps. I had a hard time sleeping at night but would get tired during the day. There was no way I was going to have a "normal" sleep cycle for awhile.. so I gave my body what it needed.. when I could. Rest was rest.

Do things for yourself
- I dyed my hair, bought new clothes to fit my new body, new make-up. Anything that made me feel worthy, pretty.. BETTER.

Reach Out - There is no shame to your situation. There is no shame to wanting to save your marriage. Friends don't want you hurting and yes friends will get tired of hearing about it... but I can tell you a year later - I still call my friends.. and they are ALWAYS there. BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT REAL FRIENDS DO!

Post here often - This message board is invaluable to you. You may not see it right away. I remember checking it 30 times a day - just waiting for someone/anyone to respond. If this is you.. be patience.. someone WILL ALWAYS RESPOND.

I hope this doesn't come across as strange or creepy - but there is a deep love on this board. These people are like my mother, my father, my brothers and sisters. They have picked me up when I have fallen, they provided encouragement when I felt I couldn't go on. They have been my biggest cheerleaders in my successes. They have pushed me to be loving, and have called me out on my bullshit.

Don't be afraid to post. Don't be afraid of looking weak, or angry, sad, or devastated.. I went through two months of just journaling pure pain... they were with me every step of the way.

Seriously.. They have deeply impacted my life. I am a better woman in a huge part because of them. And although I have never met them, I will never take for granted of their importance in my life.

It kinda gives me hope for us as a society..lol

Figure out how to help yourself - Some people meditate, some people go into 12 step programs, I went back to the church. As a gay woman who was raised that homosexuality = hell.. this was a hard step. But I couldn't handle it. The burden was too great. The pain too real. I didn't want to hate my w, but my life was falling apart in front of my eyes. I was losing my sh!t.

And I'll never forget the first thing the pastor said. "God loves you. He loves you so much when you are being completely unloveable. That is how we should strive to love others.That is how we should strive to love ourselves."

Those words has profoundly changed my perspective on life. I am still learning on what that love looks like.. but it's been an awesome part of my journey.



This will be one of the most painful experiences you will ever face. You can let the situation define you... or you can use the situation to define yourself.

The choices you make now will define you and each of you need to figure out who that is. Here are a couple recommendations..

Take the high road
- It will be the harder one. It will cause more pain at times and while you take it.. you probably won't even see it's effect. But it's there.. I promise you it is the much better way to go.

However don't take with it the mentality of "I'm taking the road my spouse isn't" You will get tired and give up. Take it because you know it will benefit you. Because you are worth the peace and happiness that it brings. Because you are worth loving yourself. You know what they say - you can't love others until you learn to love yourself first!

Act vs react - You are going to go through every emotion possible. That is okay.. but try your best to just feel them vs. act on them. It is extremely hard to do at first but through the blessing of time and learning from our mistakes.. it get's easier.

Don't be quick to attack of defend
- There will always be two perspectives.. both parties will always feel right or wrong. Let go of that feeling of "needing to be right or be better" Listen, validate. Change what you can.. accept what you can't.. and have the wisdom to know the difference.

Ask yourself with everything you do... is it loving? Are you actions and words being loving to my spouse? Are they being loving to me? And decide for yourself if being a loving person is who you want to be.

For me it is.. at all costs. It's not always popular.. oddly enough. But my heart is at peace.

And have the patience of Moses... but you already know that grin

This post is getting long so I'll wrap it up.

For all you newcomers..I'm so sorry you are here...but I am so thankful that God has brought you to us. We are in this with you. You are not alone. And if you put in the work to truly change, your life WILL BE BETTER!


M(f): 40
D'ed: 8/12

Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.

Love at all costs because you are loved well.
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Valeska,
Thanks so much for the words of wisdom. I'm not sure what I would've done without this site. It has been 10 days since my wife dropped the D word.... I felt my life spiralling into disaster. I blame myself completely.... But I was also angry at God for allowing this to happen to me. Now I am trying to make peace with the fact that maybe I was given this burden for a reason...one giant kick in the pants to change some of my dysfunctional ways and become a better person. Any advise regarding my sitch would be so appreciated / Need HOPE & advise. May we all find peace and the endurance to take another step on this journey.


(F.K.A. Broken422)

US 40's
M 17,T 19
2 BOYS 13,16
Divorced 4/2012
11/2011 W SAID SHE WANTS D

"When it is dark enough,you can see the stars"- Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Bravo! and AMEN!!!


Me51 W53 S17 S14
M22 T25
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
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V- that is an awesome post.
So awesome I book marked it for future reference when I'm not feeling as strong as I do now.


"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack."
¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
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Val, Simply OUTSTANDING!

I am proud to call you friend!


BITS
Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55
D 30
S 27

You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
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Superb, V; just superb.


H 56
W 48
D27,S21
SS25
SS22 Severely autistic
M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs.
"I've never loved you" 3/7/2011
Separated 8/7/2011
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So many parts of that hit home...that one needs to go in the hall of fame!


M 40
H 45
T 6
M 5
D 3
Bomb: 5/2011
S 5/2011
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 308
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Very nice! Many wonderful lessons for everyone to live by.


Us: mid-20s
T: 5.5 yrs
M: 2 yrs
S + OM: 6/21/11
Legally S'd: 9/9/11

In this life, you have a limited amount of mental currency. You get what you pay for, so spend it wisely.

So it goes. --Kurt Vonnegut
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Michelle may need to converse w/ Val prior to the editing of her next edition. Thanks for your thoughts from a newbie. smile


Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley
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Val that was excellent made me teary eyed on my drive to work. Can't believe how all of us have the same emotions, and pain. But I rather be who I am becoming because of this. Hugs


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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