Oh man, sorry to hear that NCB... I've been laid off for quite a while and have been freelancing... but I firmly believe that this negative thing will lead you somewhere better for you. I have the kids more time than ex and have more expenses, but so far my gigs have paid off... my prayers your way, I know it will be for the best.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Thanks for checking in on me. And I would like to extend my warmest and deepest regards to Theoden for taking interest in my cause and for counseling me in this precarious time.
It's been an interesting two months, although not much has changed. Making the most of my "Bench time", I have been taking coursework to train and be certified in PHP web development, and that is going great.
On the job search front, I have had a couple of interviews since I last posted. The good news is that I expect an offer to be laid on the table as early as Monday (as a matter of fact. The HR director let me know yesterday to expect it.) That's good, for the most part.
My dilemma is that this particular position in question is a mixed bag of extremes. Given the current economy, the pay and benefit package should be exceptional, doing the same midrange development work I've been doing for most of my career. I certainly can't complain about that. And it sounds like they really want my skillset, very much.
The fly in the ointment is that the location is 80-90 miles away: commutable but just barely. On top of that, it's a 24 by 7 operation with on-call requirements -- representing a long distance to be called in from, especially when you have young children to care for.
So taking the job would mean an immediate end to some of my commitments elsewhere, in particular serving in the cub scouts, as leader for my youngest boy's den. And a long commute would eat up much of my day, such that it would cut into my time with my S's when they are with me every other week -- I would no longer be able to help them with homework or eat evening meals with them during the week. I know the realities are such that I might barely even have a chance to tuck them into bed at night, and then force them out the door before the crack of dawn each morning, rushing them off to before-school or daycare.
I do realize some parents do have to run such a schedule themselves, and I need to be more open-minded. But I also realize I need to balance this with the needs of my kids foremost.
One more thing nagging at me is that the prospective employer has also indicated that they are planning to change software platforms in the not-to instant future, 18 to 24 months hence, and that again means I would be facing the inevitable demise of this niche market I have been trying to find my way out of. And no, they are not using PHP, the more modern technology I have been retraining myself in on my own effort.
The xW knows about the long-distance job, and has been pressuring me to take it. Her stated reasoning is that I should go ahead and relocate to the new location which would put me only 40 minutes from her own residence. It would be more convenient for her. She admits this would mean taking the boys out of their current school, which is one of the better ones in the entire state, and she would like to put them into her mediocre school system closer to her and OM's home, just as she's been scheming to do all along anyway (big surprise).
I just can't talk to her. I listen to what she's saying but I never say what my actual take on her "suggestions" really are. I can concede some of her thoughts when I've already considered some of those points myself, but when the words come from her under the guise of "what's best for our sons", I can see through her. She's being just as self-serving as ever.
She cannot be trusted, and I still have to remember to disregard much of what she says now.
Likewise, she also commented on another possibility with an ISV four hours away in another state. If that opportunity were to pan out (which is unlikely) it would be even more ideal for my career, as it would combine the 23 years of midrange systems experience AND the PHP web development skills I am training in (built-in long-range job security, IOW). On that, she was even more strident, saying I should take that job, move out of state and leave the custody of our S's to her. Then she could arrange for me to have more "traditional" visitation with our S's every so often.
She said that I should consider this for "our S's sake" and to not be "selfish". She contends that her having more custody would be better for S7 and S11.
It got worse than that as she tried to make her case. I made no direct reply to her hard-sell, but I wasn't buying. It's all BS -- and I knew it for what it was the second she started to try to tell me that she was (again) considering home-schooling our S's. BS, woman! Lies, lies and lies, over and over again!
So, as if I hadn't figured it out before now, I realize can get no honest, selfless, good-faith advice from her quarter. I know that. <sigh>
Still, I am concerned. And thinking hard. And praying a lot.
The economy stinks. The job market in the RTP area, where I now live, is bleak (and even more-so in the city where the upcoming offer is from. It's like the only employer in that area, as it turns out.) So I'm worried nothing else will come long as good, despite the disadvantages.
But on the other hand, I've jumped at the "bird in the hand" offer many times before in my past, and those haven't quite turned out so positive either. I'm wondering if I should hold out for the right job, one with the best mix of pro's and con's, and doesn't require me sacrificing so much of my family time.
If I guess wrong, it could mean disaster. And that's where I am trying hard to make myself fully open to what God is trying to tell me. I'm trying to decipher how much of this is really my own petty fears and uncertainties in either direction, and how much of this is the Holy Spirit telling me to stay, go, rest or wait.
My priorities place my S's needs high up in precedence. Putting career ahead of my family has always lead to misery for me (QED, my D.) I do not buy into xW's insane notion that the best father for our children is an absent natural father, replaced by OM. I just need to be financially sufficient enough to be able to properly take care of my children and their particular needs.
If anyone has their own thoughts and experiences to share, I'm willing to listen.
I forget what your current job status is - unemployed? Or looking for better?
If you're unemployed, and no other hot prospects knocking on your door - I'd say take it. It will at least give you financial breathing room to look elsewhere.
As for where to live - do you own your home where you are? Or rent? If you're renting, I'd advise moving somewhere closer to the job where YOU like the school.
A 90 minute commute just isn't going to give you the time you need with the kids. Yes it's sad the kids would have to leave their familiar school, but kids do move and survive it. It would be more important that they get to be with you.
Now - if moving would affect your custody arrangement, that's another factor.
Actully you need to think about you first then the kids. What is best for you? The kids are secondary only in that if you are not good then neither are they. Wonder
First of all, do not listen to anything your X says. You are right, she is thinking of herself first. Your boys need you in their life; I already know you would never consider that option!!!
If you do take the job, I don't think you have to make a long-term commitment; but work there until you do get a job that's closer to your dream job? I mean, it sounds like they are not offering a long-term job either. Could your boys maybe attend a private or Christian school in that area if all the schools are not good? If you could find a good school, then maybe you could move closer to the job so you wouldn't have to commute so much each day? I am going to add you to my prayers...
I am currently unemployed, surviving on severance pay until I can get re-established in work. I don't own, just leasing right now -- so I'm not tied to a house, per se.
But moving is not an option, not yet at least, if at all. I need to try to stay in this county, if possible, where my oldest S (the one with Asperger's) has access to good services and other resources. I've reserved relocation as a last resort, but perhaps that's not as far off as I would like.
And yes, you've hit the nail on the head -- the ex just wants to exploit my situation to jockey for better custody terms. I could practically hear the gears turning in her head as she was trying to work our how this dilemma could be used to her best advantage.
Wonder, I agree about making sure my own needs are secured as well, but to me I cannot truly separate what is best for me from what is best from my S's. I cannot exactly jettison my children to further my own career, as the ex would suggest, as that would be totally self-defeating. Instead, I have to strike a balance that best serves what I need and what my kids need.
Hi, Karen!
I have been pondering how to make the long-commute work, and how to take advantage of the offer for a short-term solution, until I can find work closer to where I am now. A stop-gap measure, IOW. Even so, because I cannot relocate just yet even if I were wanting to, I would have to start out commuting the distance, which would at the very least put an end to Scouting for me. I am thus facing the relinquishing of my duties as a den leader, which is a promise broken to S7. There are other serious changes it would require as well. I know I'm only human, but failing my kids, yet again, becomes another painful prospect.
A somewhat side note: I still find myself, particularly in times like this, wishing things had been different between xW and I, that we hadn't become caught in the ensnaring webs of our failed M and the consequences of our broken family. Instead of having a cohesive, whole family and the flexibility to make potentially life-altering decisions impacting only my own household, I am hobbled by the legal and logistical impediments from contemptuous alienating parties that I have to share custody with.
Divorce stinks, in other words. (As if that's any big surprise, right?)
But grousing about that part of it is not helpful to the real matter at hand, of course. One should only deal with those things that actually are within their power to affect, and let everything else that they cannot change be as they may. And let the past be in the past. I just need to find the most optimal solution in the face of all these less-than-ideal factors worrying my uncertain mind. To that end, I am continuing to think and to reflect and to pray, opening my heart and mind to what God is really trying to say to me.
And I am truly thankful for all of your thoughts and prayers. Thanks and love to you all.
No Code, I think I forgot (or never knew) that your oldest had Asperger's. My oldest, who will graduate from Berkeley this year, is very mildly on the Asperger's spectrum as well.
Are you so sure this other county won't have adequate services? Are there any services that would be better than an extra 2 hours a day with dad?
(And btw, make sure your child has an adequate vitamin D level, and no evidence of gluten or dairy sensitivity.)
NCB, have you looked at telecommute opportunities? I'm actually considering participating in some sourceforge projects that might offer paid contributions.
Tech jobs are low paying here and oddly hard to come by. But I'd rather take a labour job then move. In my case, I'd have to move away from my kids. Different, yes... but the motivation (kid focused) is the same...
IF you find yourself needing to move for work, have you investigated availability (and quality) of support systems in the areas that you might move to? While I can imagine that quality and availability of support varies from area to area, perhaps that could be part of your GAL (that of developing appropriate support for your son and others who may need it) in the area to which you would move...
