Trying to make it to the bye week

[adinva]

25 so sorry to hear about your friend.

[MHL]

MTS,
I have been quietly following you when I get a chance here and there. I can go in spurts here on the board.

First, I am sorry about your situation but I can tell you that you seem to be on the right path.

You will experience many different emotions over the coming weeks and months.....it is normal.....let the emotions wash over you but do not let them control you.

I really like what Finah said to you....good stuff in there. My time is short these days so going through and quoting takes a little more time than I have right now. Sooooo, just go back and read it again.

As always 25's words are wise so no need to mention that.

(25 sorry to hear about your friend, and I concur that I too see more and more people around me that are unhappy and making dumb decisions.)

MTS, your life will be what you make of it.......but what motivates you to do so is key.

I am sure you will be a great success and that you will acheive the goals you have set forth for yourself. Right now you may find that you are still doing things to see if your W will notice......that is okay for now as long as you are doing something that will make you a better person.

What you will find however is that once you start to acheive these goals and milestones in YOUR life, you will realize that your motivation will have shifted.......you will not even realize it until it has happened.

Your motivation will be for YOU not for your W. It is at that time that you will realize that you and only YOU have the power to make YOU happy.

When you do that........YOU will be different......forever.

No one will ever be able to change that again.

Other people around you will take notice.......it happened to me. It is infectious and people want it and are attracted to it. They want what you have in your life but they do not know how to get there.

When you get there you will not care whether your W notices or not. But I guarantee that she will.

I am over 2 years post bomb and coming up on a year post divorce and my XW clearly sees and has told me that I look happy and seem to be doing well.

I can tell you honestly.........If I had the power to go back in time and change things.......I would not. I like the person I am today and I would not be who I am today without having gone through H@ll to get here.

You will get there too.........IN TIME.

Hope this helps.

Cheers

[westcoastfella]

Hey, Made, hope you're doing okay. Haven't heard from you in a while. I'm sure that you're GAL-ing your head off, just thought I'd check to see how you've been handling this development.

[MadeToSucceed]

I've been absent for a while. In all honesty, after mediation I guess I just felt drained. Like I'd fought hard and lost I suppose. I'll try to provide a recap of sorts because today (and last night) have been tougher than I've experienced in about a month.

I was in a wedding on November 5th. The preacher made not only THEM pledge to ALWAYS fight for their marriage but also the grooms, bridesmaids and congregation! Told us we can let our friend complain a little to us here and there before sending him back to his wife to work it out. Never heard a pastor do that during a ceremony. Makes me wish he'd done my wedding. It was tough for me to be there but I was glad I was. Had an even deeper appreciation for M. Oddly enough I had several women kind of come on to me there and so that was kind of weird and different for me but my close friends tell me they see a "new" me in a lot of ways.

The following weekend I went to a wedding of another friend in...that was November 12th. I wasn't in that wedding so it wasn't as bad really. Had a great time.

All this time, still zero communication between the two of us.

Then it happened about a week ago. I'm sitting at home on Monday, November 14th...MNF had gone off and I was watching TV and at about midnight I get an email that says: "I miss u." Yep. It was from her.

It pissed me off and gave me all kinds of mixed emotions but I didn't respond. How do you respond to that?

Tuesday, November 15th she messaged one of my friends on Facebook saying she was trying to be a better person now. Of course he told me right away.

On Wednesday, November 16th she sent this message (they sent it to me after they got it) to each of the two married couples that we were always extremely close to that she'd shunned after they tried reaching out to her:

"I won't take much of your time. i just wanted to tell you that I am sorry for any and everything that I have ever done knowingly and knowingly to offend you or your wife. I have gone thru quite a bit in the past 6 months, and i have done nothing but learn every step of the way. I just want to thank you for trying to be there for me during the difficult time that H and I were going thru. Although I didn't see it for what it was at the time, I truly realize it now. I didn't necessarily handle everything the right way, and I see that now. Like they say.. Hind sight is 20/20. I have always valued both of you friends, and still maintain a high level of respect for you both. Some recent events have really allowed things to really be put in perspective for me. Now more than ever I truly realize that life is too short, and tomorrow isn't promised to anyone. So I just truly want to say that I am sorry from the bottom of my heart. Please charge it to my head and not to my heart. A better Vet is what I am striving to be, and will be, because I know that all things are possible with God. I love you both, and I am constantly thinking and praying for your family. Thanks again for being, and trying to be great friends!"

They all felt it was somewhat genuine but at the same time felt like she was up to something...like she knew they'd tell me and it would get a reaction. On Saturday, November 19th she emailed me asking me to disable her Facebook fan page...she thought I was still the admin for it but I'm not. I still didn't respond.

[MadeToSucceed]

That rollercoaster brings me to last night and today. Last night it was cold and raining here and I had a moment. Hadn't felt this way in a month but I was hurting again. I missed her. I felt like I shouldn't have been alone in my apartment but rather with her living life. Today I woke up feeling the same way and kind of shook myself out of it but then a HUGE weight came over me around lunch time.

That's when I slipped and I looked at her twitter timeline for the first time in months. She'd posted a picture of her wearing a t shirt with OM's name on the back as recent as this past Sunday, November 20th. (oh...OM has since gotten hurt twice since my last posting) She's doing photoshoots and launching a new website and all this stuff. So what was that email about "I miss u" for? Why email my close friends with all that bs about changing and becoming XYZ?

What's the point?

I feel battered and bruised and uncertain of what's next. I've met two women since mediation and both have a lot of potential...God fearing and a great head on their shoulders...I still haven't slept with anyone or had any sexual activity since the last time I was with my W (I guess XW now?) but I guess I'm just at a crossroads. My heart is still with my XW to whatever extent but I'm trying to move on because she gave me no choice. I don't know what to do. Friends and family that know about all of this tell me repeatedly to get ready because they think she's going to ramp up her efforts to reach out to me but will she really? And if so, why? What's the point of all this?

Thanksgiving is coming up and I have sooooo much to be thankful for but my heart is still soooooo heavy. I just don't know what to do. Feel like I should take all these electronic and hand written journals from the past 7 months and write a book...iono...maybe it would bless someone else or something...not a "tell all." Hell I don't even think I'd have the balls to write it under my name but maybe it would just be therapeutic or something. I really just don't know what's in store for me man but I want to heal and find someone. I'm not a dater. I loved being married. I'm ready for a family and to be a father and I thought I had all that forever with XW. And it's like she hit me in the stomach with a baseball bat and then over the head with a hammer.

Part of me would like to say I want her back but I don't know if I do at this point and I'm not sure what that means.

[MadeToSucceed]

As for GAL'ing...I've done PLENTY.

I went to a dinner and sat with the president of my alma mater. I've begun working out again (I did take a break from that for a while). I've been talking to a couple of different women on the phone. I'm going to Vegas twice next month, including New Years. I've received several job opps. I've taken a couple trips on weekends. I've been more consistent in working with my Little (Big Brothers Big Sisters). I've been in two weddings and attended a third. I've been killing it in the classroom and I'm looking to finish up strong this semester. I'm working another game this weekend for the bowl that I'm affiliated with. I'm going to a NFL game next weekend. I even took myself shopping. I'm even back to hanging out with some of my married friends that I once felt so awkward around given the sitch. They all basically said they were waiting on me to come around and that they missed me...ultimately said they support me fully and hate what my XW did. I've cleaned up my bills for the most part and I'm planning for a future...problem is I just don't know the true direction of it but that's ok for now.

Church and Bible Study are still a staple of my weekly routine and I've grown leaps and bounds. I don't know what stage I'm in really. Don't know what's in store but I know that I'm in a better place today than I was months ago. Today was just a little more rough than usual but I'll get through it. I expect the holidays to be tough. I'll go back to never looking at any of her social media again...that's worked well for me until today when I gave in to curiosity.

Appreciate any and all thoughts and will do my best to get caught up on some of your sitches soon.

[jbnati]

MTS, glad to see you back. I think you're doing about as well you could be doing considering the circumstances. You are absolutely tearing it up GAL'ing. You have a lot healthy activities mixed in.

I'm sure your head is still spinning with how fast this has happened. Your W still seems to be heading down the road of destruction will little thought to the consequences.

Be wise and take your time getting involved in another relationship, although I can totally understand that craving for another relationship. You know what to do - just keep praying about, brother, and I am praying for you, too.

[♪CS♪]

Hey MTS, after catching up on all you have gone through, I apologize for being MIA.

At this point man, this is just life. It is not time to think about “is this DB’ing,” just how do you want to live?

You can ask the question “do I still want her back?” But regardless to the answer to that question, ask yourself “how would that change how I live?”

The answer to the second should be NOT AT ALL.

It is just time to live man. Live in a way that YOU believe is RIGHT. Don’t punish yourself for this. If you find someone you like, don’t analyze it, just feel it. Do what feels right.

You are a young man with the whole world in front of you. Be well man.

[westcoastfella]

I am so glad to see that you are still GAL-ing like a boss. Keep that up. I feel like a light-weight next to you!

Definitely don't waste your time looking at her social media. I think you now realize that it will hurt a hell of a lot more than it will help. (If it helps at all, which I doubt that it does.)

I also feel like you're still expecting a logical response from your W. "If W texts 'I miss u", then why is she with OM in those pics?" "If A=B, then why does A=C instead?" There is a reason why we like to say that WAS' are "spinning." They are in a place where they have no room for logic. Stay off her roller coaster, man.

I'm at the same stage with you when it comes to a future with your W. Feeling that maybe you're done. Looking at other women who won't treat you like dirt and maybe might even be better for you than W. "Why am I waiting for something that's looking like it won't even happen?"

I guess only you can know in your heart what the answer to that is when it is time to know. I myself have not yet completely given up and moved on, but who knows what the future will bring for either one of us?

Hang in there, bud. God will show you the way. He is making you stronger even though it may only feel like you're getting put through the grinder of life.

[25yearsmlc]

MTS

you are getting some great advice.

Til you mentioned the T shirt with OMs name on it, I thought, "well she's coming around awfully fast."


And I guess it is, too fast. She's so not ready for a reconcilaition.

She's just ready to feel better about herself.

Who knows what the T shirt pic means? Did you say she posted it Sat? How odd...then again, the "I MISS YOU", imo

was based on her emotions of THAT MOMENT IN TIME, and she gave into it, thinking

"no harm done...I'm being nice to MTS...I'm reaching out..."

but in reality she's yanking the chain. It meant much less to her, at least conscously, than it did to you.

Maybe later MUCH- after she feels she misses you a lot, and mostly you, or only you THEN we'll see a difference...

In hindsight you were right not to respond. I'm disappointed she has feigned such growth to friends, only to ACT the same.

But then again, we are all sort of mind reading.

Who knows what SHE meant by the notes?

She may feel that she "Didn't handle CERTAIN parts of it right'....really?

Makes me want to ask her, "Which parts??" But to HER that's serious insight!
truly humbling...


like It's a big fat huge leap, rather than the merest glance backward.

But she may see the light someday.

MTS-here's the thing, and you probably do know it...Unless you move on, two bad things will happen.

You will stay stuck in this painful in between 'no man's land" of no movement

and SHE won't get to see you move on.

This is KEY to HER movement internally which may stink for you,

but if she believes her "old buddy ex h" is still and always pining away for her eternally and that no one else could ever catch your eye or attention

she'll take her dang time waking up. And I don't know that you will want her then

but I know it'll never happen & you won't know the answer to that, if she doesn't ever wake up and you don't explore living well without her.


If i were your friends, I'd be staring at that message and the T shirt pic and shake my head. I'd probably want to ask her WTH she's talking about but I guess the best thing to say is more like


"got your message. I'm sure there's a perfect reply to it, that would say all that ought to be said...but it escapes me at this time."


Glad you are GAL so well. As others have said, trust yourself and the Big Guy.

HE will lead you and if a woman who's suitable

(man, I need a better word for that b/c I bet they're hot and warm and loving...AND "Suitable!)

but don't forget that meeting a good woman MIGHT be a gift from HIM...don't turn from all of them too quickly but know that a

great woman right now may not be necessarily THE ONE but maybe a good person for you to know in your life right now.

And yes, there really are other fish in the sea. And your ex wife, (sorry but yes, that's what she is my friend, an EX)

for now, she's not something you want to reel in. She's not a keeper at this time.


Have a blessed holiday.

((( )))