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Here are links to first two threads.

Too Tired to Fight
Grace, Love, Compassion, and Faith

Officially 6 months separated as of yesterday. It's hard to believe the huge differences in my life from 6 months ago to now. The personal growth has been difficult but very rewarding. I am surrounding by a ton of friends who love me. I am mending broken relationships with my family. I am getting closer to God. I am getting closer to myself.

These things have not come without pain. My w and I have had little to no contact in 6 months. She shows no signs of slowing down D, or wanting me in her life. I think the 2nd has been the larger pill to swallow out of the two.

It's been difficult not seeing myself as a reject when I am clearly being rejected.

However I continue to push forward. Now actively in the D process I struggle with loving myself and loving my w at the same time. Figuring out the difference of when I am being emotional (hurt and angry) vs. when it is fair for me to stand up for what is fair.

It's something I've never done before in my relationship with w. I know if I can do it, I will finally break this horrible cycle my w and I created the past 9 yrs.

I know that I have not been as positive as usual. That I have been working through alot of fear and pain in the past few weeks.

I appreciate the support you all have shown thus far, and the continuing support I know you will provide.


M(f): 40
D'ed: 8/12

Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.

Love at all costs because you are loved well.
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Val, concentrate on how much you've grown, and you've grown tremendously. Applaud yourself for that! There are a lot of positives above. As you know, most of those positives would have never happened had it not been for your circumstances. I can certainly identify with a lot of the above.

We're all here behind you and pulling for you. ((()))


BITS
Me:46 / W:47 / M:19 / T:21 / S13
Bomb#1: 5/8/2008
MC: 5/2008 - 4/2010
Bomb#2: 2/10/2011
W moves out 5/7/2011

'With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.' - Matt. 19:26
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Val I totally understand the feeling of rejection, that hit me. I often feel like a reject. But I was thinking when I read that comment is that I'm really not a reject, trying to look at myself differently. I'm actually a great person, with baggage. I have been mostly a good husband and father with flaws. W has said during our stich. And Guess what, we are the ones here trying to save our selves and our families, where are they? No where, I bet they haven't even done any research or read anything about saving the M. My D is right now having her 1st C session, not because W thought she needed it but because people here educated me and encouraged me to get my D some help. So it worked. What I'm trying to say is that you are a great person even when you are being rejected. We are here to support you.((( Hugs)))


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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Thanks JB. I do need to remember to applaud myself and remember all the good changes.. and to be thankful for this opportunity to grow. I've been trying to stay in my hurt/anger phase as I have been avoiding it. However I acknowledge it is part of the process, so I'm trying not to run from it. Honestly, It has gotten me down a bit.

Thanks Rick for the reminder and you're absolutely right. We are good people. I'm so glad your D is in counseling. It's a smart move.

Journaling...

Things have been moving in a positive way the past 48 hrs. I'm starting back to work. I took off quite a bit of time as I was very distracted and had a hard time doing my job 100%.

I booked two more Disney commercials so I must have done a good job back in August. I'm budgeting a 3D movie and I am GALing the sh!t out of my weekend working with a director who was in "I am Legend".

Heard good news from my sister. She's finally getting all of her kids under one roof. Her eldest daughter, who is 16, told my sis she wanted to come home. Talk about 11 yrs of prayers finally answered.

Not much happening on the D front. Pushing 2nd mediation to November most likely due to schedule conflicts. It's been a week and I've come to realize that I will not be able to rush this. One day, I want to fight w like hell for what is fair to me, the next I just want it to be over with and give in to her demands. She may want to end things quickly, but honestly.. I do need time to think about stuff. I refuse to not take the time to look inward when it comes to big decisions such as these.

The only thing that I can really move forward on is getting my own health insurance. She may not have meant it this way, but I am very uncomfortable with the fact that she said "she could have taken it away from me at any time". Not to mention, that it hurt my feelings.

It still continues to surprise me with the stuff she does. I really do want to think the best of her but there have been too many times that she has come to a conclusion in her head and has acted on it regardless of how it financially affected me or us as a couple. So I can't risk this. I don't want to go to the hospital and find out my insurance is gone. I don't want to be made to feel bad that she took care of me (when it was her idea originally), or that this is financially hurting her. I know what my w makes and what her bills are.. my insurance doesn't hurt her unless she is p!ssing away her money.

But regardless of what is true or not true, I think getting my own insurance is a loving move for both of us. If I can afford it, than it protects me from all the possibilities my w could use against me and it's loving towards her by freeing up a couple hundred dollars a month.

We'll see what the insurance broker says. Hopefully this is one of the bazillion things I can cross off my list.


M(f): 40
D'ed: 8/12

Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.

Love at all costs because you are loved well.
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Posts: 1,433
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More venting vs. journaling

Trying to schedule another mediation time is exhausting. I'm the one who is always checking with our mediator if he is available.

I mean.. I understand that he's my pastor.. but now that she has meant him and has agreed to keep using him.. I feel that she can reach out to see when he is available.

Sorry I'm trying to be loving.. but I don't want this D. I feel like I'm doing the coordinating and that I am playing the same role I always play in our r. One that managed the bills, took care of things.

I took over the bills last year because she kept forgetting to pay stuff.

It's not a role that I wanted to play in the r.. at least not to that extent. Now I'm still playing it and we're separated.

Urgh... help please?


M(f): 40
D'ed: 8/12

Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.

Love at all costs because you are loved well.
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V sorry you are having this trouble.

You know at some point I asked myself:

Why do I accept in someone, much less than I am committed to give myself?

It is a very good question to ask.

How do we stop that?


My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
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Val do something different, do a 180 Do NOThING NADA.See what haPpens. You don't have to answer to her unless there is legal reason I would sit back and let her do some of it. She chose this.


Ps thanks for the post cried most of the way home hugs


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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Val, I felt much the same, as if I was doing most of the work. She abandoned us and now I’m helping her, really, seriously? I even spoke to my L and C about how I felt on separate occasions. Although they said it very differently what they told me added up to the same thing.

This flies in the face of some of the advice here about having the WAS do all of the work for the D. It is where I settled b/c it gave me the most peace.

If you’re doing most of the work then you’re in control of the schedule. When I first met with my C I was very overwhelmed and felt out of control. One of things we worked on first was to help me get some sense of control over my destiny. Setting the pace enabled me to only move forward when I was ready.

It did heighten the tension when my STBX realized she was not getting her schedule met. So be ready for some pushes. Keep it fair so when they come you can honestly push back with honor and integrity.

I know the temptation to just give in and get it over with. I need to be able to look myself and my children in the face and know I not only tried to stand for this relationship, but for my quality of life and their eventual inheritance, that I exhausted all my options without sacrificing honor and integrity.

I know there are no little Val’s yet. When you choose there will be. In the mean time be fair to yourself while standing. The reflection in the mirror is yours. ((()))


BITS
Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55
D 30
S 27

You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
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Quote:
Trying to schedule another mediation time is exhausting
....
Sorry I'm trying to be loving.. but I don't want this D. I feel like I'm doing the coordinating and that I am playing the same role I always play in our r.



Hey Val,

So don't put your energy into it.

It isn't loving or unloving to not take over responsibilities for her in this case.

It's her divorce. You aren't going to stop her from getting it, but why would she think you would put your energy into helping her do it?

Especially if you have a lot on your plate. There is absolutely zero reason for you to make helping her jump through the logistical hurdles any kind of priority.

If I were in your shoes, I would put it at the bottom of the list.. after things like stocking up on toilet paper, learning some new recipes, and getting adequate sleep.


M: 32
W: 29
T: 9 Years
M: 4 Years
I hit rock bottom: 2/11
PA admitted: 4/11
WAW: 5/11
D filed: 6/11
now: Patience, wisdom, and growth - hopefully.
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Val, do what's right for you. If it's wearing you out, I would do as AC above suggested. If you've agreed to do it and you want to be sure to continue using your pastor, just plod along and put it at the bottom of the list. I know this is very emotionally and physically exhausting. Besides, you don't want it anyway, so low priority at best.


BITS
Me:46 / W:47 / M:19 / T:21 / S13
Bomb#1: 5/8/2008
MC: 5/2008 - 4/2010
Bomb#2: 2/10/2011
W moves out 5/7/2011

'With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.' - Matt. 19:26
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