I hang out with her because I miss her yet I feel like she won't ever really deal with what is really going on because she has me over for a temporary answer to her loneliness.
She hasn't had any sort of wake up call at all yet and I feel like I need to let her be alone more. I don't know.
I feel like if I give her too much space she will give up and if I don't give her enough she might give up because she thinks I won't care.
She has had an emotional affair with her boss but it seems to be coming to an end or at least is stagnant. She has cried over him quite a bit (which is tough to see or hear about).
Not really sure if you want to settle in here with a full thread or just wanting some advice...
It's often indicated that an affair really is a symptom of a deeper issue, so even though your W's A with her boss might be slowing, she might pick up another A with someone else...
My W has had three EA's for sure and possible two of those were PA's... she may or may not be "slowing" on her current A... or it is as involved as it ever will be...
Anyhow, the point is, until she begins dealing with whatever it is that was causing her to seek an A or is actually working on things with you, there will be risk...
Clinging to her to prevent her from being able to have an A will likely only drive her further away from you and go deeper under cover with an A...
Worrying about her having too much space and "leash to hang herself with" is pointless... she will continue or have further A's regardless...
Next thing to be clear about is, DO NOT compare yourself nor compete with the OP (other person / affair partner / alienator)... more often the WAS "affairs down"... even if the OP appears to be of higher stature, there's something wrong with an OP who will date or otherwise have an A with a married person... it's an affair down...
In the mean time, while you are not competing with the OP, what you do want to do is become the best that you can be, so much so that it becomes the "new normal" for you... dressing well when going on a parts run, keeping yourself well groomed, eating healthier, maybe working out... and having a great attitude about life, the universe, and everything...
Become a man that only a fool would leave... your W will not want to be a fool... but if she is... do you want to be M to a fool...?
If you want to hang with her and can emotional handle it and you stay in line with Sandi's DO / DON'T DO list... then by all means... hang out with her from time to time...
BUT NOT EVERY TIME!
You need to have a bit of mystery in the sense that, you should not always make yourself available... maybe take her up on her offer only 50% of the time and the other times, you have plans... even if you don't, if she invites you over tell her you have plans, and then go and do something!
In that way, you are not pursuing her, you are getting a life and enjoying yourself and growing as a person, and the onus will be on her to pursue... of course, you should let yourself get "caught" every once in a while, otherwise if you are way to unavailable and "out of her league" she may accept that she will never catch you...
It's a fine line and dance, but it's not much different than life before your W, when the two of you were courting...
But if you don't work on yourself, then if you ever to reconcile, how would your M be any different... or better...?
Wow. Where did you come from? That is exactly what I needed. Thank you so much. You seriously hit it dead on for me. The toughest part for me is allowing myself to have a good time and do my own thing. I have to be that better person for myself and not for her. We have 2 girls, 5 and 2 1/2 and this better me will shine through to them as well. Thank you.
An issue that is so tough as well is when I watch my girls sometimes at night. She says she is very behind at work and wrote several paragraphs of what she needs to do that is due very soon.
I can't know that she will actually be working and not take off and be with him. It makes those nights very difficult.
She agreed with me that she would not hang out with him when I am watching the girls, yet, that is tough for me to believe. Why would she tell me the truth now? I think she often does, yet I never know. She went on a required business trip overseas and said the most that happened was kissing. She swears by it.
Anyways, if you would even want to answer this, what might be a good attitude to have when I am watching the girls and she is gone? I haven't seemed to find a way of thinking that calms me when she is gone. She is going to do what she is going to do anyways right? She was gone on a business trip with him for 10 days and I survived that? I don't know why I am so worried about this Thursday.
lol, RFTL... I've been here far too long so it's advice I've been given, have learned elsewhere, have always known (but forgotten, which lead to my sitch), and otherwise stuff that you will come to understand...
btw, you are welcome... I'm giving back to the community that has helped me out for so long...
Also, regarding the kids... whatever you do. be absolutely sure that your R with your children grows... that you shine as a father for your children... not to prove something to the world, but because your kids deserve your all and the best that you can be...
I've heard this before and admit I've said it before, but I want to be clear about something regarding the kids...
never use language or ever believe that your are (just) "watching the kids"... You are their dad... not a baby sitter, not some stand in for when your W needs time away, whatever... I'm very resolute that when a parent is with their children, it is because THAT IS WHAT A PARENT DOES... I hope that makes sense to you...
Sure, it doesn't really matter in the bigger picture, but if we can avoid language and thoughts like that, we really understand that... we are just being dads... doing what dads do...
So on that note, as much as you may have thoughts about what your W is doing while your kids are with you... and any time, really... your W will do what she does...
Understand that those of us who's WAS IS having a KNOWN A... we KNOW that our WASs are with the A partner... it doesn't feel good... but, you know the phrase... it is what it is and there's nothing we can do about it...
It hurts, it sux, it is frustrating, it is demoralizing, and... eventually... it doesn't hurt so much... you will eventually, barely give it a second thought...
Hard to believe... and you will need to deal with it if you eventually reconcile with your W... but for now... shelve those thoughts and work on them a little bit at a time, when you have the strength...
