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As a quick addendum, the line about 'not spoiling your fun' in my last post was directed at S17, not H!

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Northstar,

I'll be watching your thread closely. My H is one of those that appears to have come out of his fog. We never got as far in a separation as lawyers but his change of behavior sounds a lot like what I saw at the beginning. I wouldn't say we're 'fixed' but it appears things are continuing to progress in the right direction.

It's a matter of opinion whether to have a set amount of things you want to see in order to gauge the reality of the MLCers return. Had I done that, H might have failed the test. They come out of the fog is fits and spurts and have regressions. Things often take a lot longer that you hope and things often don't go the way you'd like, but it doesn't mean progress isn't happening. Judging the whole picture is how I've handled it. It's been a slow process and my H is, to some extent, still struggling, but overall progress continues and that's all I can hope for. Feel free to read up on my thread.


"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"

M18
Me39,H42
D16
Bomb 1/10
Moved out 3/10
OW 6/10
H wants to R,OW gone 11/10
H moves back 5/11
H wants to wear rings again 9/11
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I read all your thread Alb and thank you for following mine.
I continue to harness my expectations and move on with my life.
H has remained in contact, although there was one weekend where he couldn't get back to town for a family dinner but amazingly enough emailed to let me know and apologised.
We've continued those family dinners together once a week since I last posted.
Yesterday we had our first meeting with lawyers to begin FS and afterwards we went for a drink together. For the very first time since BD he started talking about our R. I was blindsided and stunned but hopefully responded in DB way. He talked about how unhappy he was at the time and how he didn't feel he had any other choice but to leave.
I validated and listened.
We also laughed a lot about things from the past.
He is curious about what I'm doing and asked a fair few questions.
We walked back through the city together and he stayed with me til I got back to my work building.
I gave him a kiss on the cheek said a cheery cheerio and left.
This weekend he has asked if we can have a family dinner on Friday and on Saturday I'm going to his fathers birthday party with the kids.
I know these are positive steps; I know that the patience I have learnt over the last two years is about to be sorely tested and I know I must continue to protect my heart.
But most importantly I know I'm going to be okay no matter what and when I began this journey in September 2009 that was something I would never have believed.

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NorthStar,

Could you explain what a FS is? What does that entail?

Did your H indicate how he is feeling about the legal proceedings?

You said your H told you about how unhappy he was and had no choice but to leave. Do you think he found his happiness after he left the family? Has he talked about any regrets or remorse in leaving the family?

Has your H given you any indication about whether an ow is still involved?

I have to say that I think you've been handling this situation very well. Continue to guard your heart. One thing we do know about MLCers and that's that there can be forward steps and then drawbacks while they process their thoughts and feelings. Time will reveal whether this is a touch and go or a sincere attempt to reconnect to the family that he left behind.

It sounds as if you have found patience in your journey, not only for your H, but with yourself as well. Well done.

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Hi Seeking - FS is the financial settlement where we exchanged financial documents and with each of our lawyers with us organized a mediation conference for Feb next year.

You asked about my H's response to the legal proceedings. Well, if we rewind to over two years ago, he refused to discuss anything with me about settlement but insisted we only work through lawyers because he was done, the marriage was over and he wanted to sell up and move on.

Now? He wants to know if I would consider a 'house share' whereby he would move in and live with the children for alternate weeks! Now? He wants us to work on a plan between us that will cause the least 'damage'.

So, still a craziness but interspersed with some clarity.

Regarding if he found happiness when he left the family, well he definitely thought he had. This is what I call his 'flaunt and taunt' phase. His euphoria and bragging about his new 'life' was when I learnt the most about DBing and patience. It was true detachment, my DB coach and this site that helped me through.

He certainly spoke remorsefully the other day but always within the context of having 'no other choice'. He sincerely regrets the estrangement from his children but admitted he doesn't know how to fix it. I truly believe he wants to and that's terrific.

He also said the problem hadn't been me, but him. And, of course for so long he claimed the opposite.

About the OW, I don't know. He keeps letting me know that he is available 24/7, any day or night. This is when he is trying to arrange the next family dinner. He's also developed the habit of placing his mobile phone on the table when we're at dinner and leaving it there if he goes up to the bar for drinks. That same wretched phone that was attached to him like a second skin and never left him.

So I don't honestly know. All I can say is I will not allow myself to go back down that terrible road of thought agitation and speculation. It is his life. He must live it as he sees fit and i wish him well. I can't believe I've actually managed to drop the rope - I thought it would be impossible for me.

I have spent so much time since separating learning how to live my life authentically and am now beginning to reap and enjoy the rewards of all the effort. So much so that I actually told H I am grateful I've had this opportunity.

There is no doubt that I am a better person because of this - as horrible and hellish as it has been.

Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement Seeking, it means a lot to me. I'm going to need to keep hearing them as I continue to move forward, still learning, still growing - at times, no doubt, still struggling, but thankfully experiencing great bursts of joy in my life again.

And that joy will remain no matter what the future holds.

Northstar

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North
It sounds like he is poking his head out of the tunnel. I think that is all he feels comfortable with at first. Checking to see if he will be accepted, or punished, etc.

Several folks mentioned waiting six months to see ...

See what? I may have missed it but I don't recall him asking to come home, or ILY. He seems to be at the point of wanting to restore family ties and a freindship. You can meet as a family and do things as friends without waiting any longer than you are comfortable.

Now letting him jump back into your heart? That may not be something he'll feel safe trying to do for some time. He's still testing memories of the life he lost. There's a big divide to cross if he ever actually wants to live on that side of MLC again. And for him, there's no clear bridge to cross. He will have to build one and he may not have healed enough or have the strength for a while.

You may have to decide when and if you healed enough and gained the strengt to help build a bridge. He may stay comfortable for a long time with just getting to be Dad again public and family events. Its like he is over on his side of the crisis but trying to see life on the brighter side.

No pressure, so don't create any for yourself. Don't form expectations and tests too soon - as failure could be built in. Expect to find a friend if you want one and behave like one. Friends can be wonderful and sometimes they grow into much more.

Take care
cool

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Originally Posted By: Was2sad
North


Now letting him jump back into your heart? That may not be something he'll feel safe trying to do for some time. He's still testing memories of the life he lost. There's a big divide to cross if he ever actually wants to live on that side of MLC again. And for him, there's no clear bridge to cross. He will have to build one and he may not have healed enough or have the strength for a while.

You may have to decide when and if you healed enough and gained the strengt to help build a bridge. He may stay comfortable for a long time with just getting to be Dad again public and family events. Its like he is over on his side of the crisis but trying to see life on the brighter side.

No pressure, so don't create any for yourself. Don't form expectations and tests too soon - as failure could be built in. Expect to find a friend if you want one and behave like one. Friends can be wonderful and sometimes they grow into much more.

Take care
cool


That is wonderful advice.

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North Star,
after reading your posts, I want you to know I feel reassured and refreshed. I can tell you've come a long way and Im very happy for you.

As I read posts, Im really amazed of the journey we go through when this happens to MLCers/LBS.

You've done your journey well! Keep up the excellent attitude and work!


M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.
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Thanks so much for the feedback everyone.

Spend the weekend with H and his family for FIL's birthday and luckily got to read your posts before I left which gave me renewed focus and encouragement.

The friendship advice was key and helped in making it a really lovely couple of days.

Most importantly the two children that came with me had a great time with extended family and cousins even though interaction with their Dad was limited. But thats something he and they must work on. I've learnt that I must step back.

MIL and SIL's took me to one side to quietly express their 'hope' because they could see how relaxed and friendly H and I were. Gently tried to manage their expectations as best as possible without appearing negative.

I left on Sunday night for the five hour drive home content that another hurdle had been jumped successfully. Its the first 'all family' thing we've been to in two years.

As I left, H was standing there with his parents (kids and I were the last to leave) and I looked back in the rear-view mirror and he remained where he was, by himself, til we were out of sight. A bit further on my eldest son asked 'Do you think he's happy?'. My honest response, 'I hope so'.

Monday morning I am back getting on with my life - a busy week ahead with work and kids and friends.

Thank you again for your words of encouragement and advice. This journey that we share through this site has been a gift to me and I'm honored to be traveling in such incredibly inspiring and wonderful company.

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H and i have continued to spend the weekends with the kids at various things and a summary of this weekend is as follows:
Friday afternoon we attend son's High School graduation ceremony and follow up with dinner together. H asked if he could spend Christmas Day at home. I've said yes and he's going to cook!
Saturday night we attend a party hosted by youngest son's friends parents. A group of about 12 of us. H brought our food contribution and I brought the wine. We stood together all night and, as crazy as it might sound, it was as if the last two years hadn't happened. It was a really fun and lovely night and we seemed improved ... more considerate of each other.
We left together and he got in his car and I in mine and went our separate ways at about 1am.
The next morning H arrives at son's game at 8am and we stroll the ground together and he stops at a bench and we sit and watch the game away from other parents. We leave at mid-day to both get ready for other son's graduation dinner.
We meet at 5 for drinks with other parents and then go onto venue at 7.
Friends who haven't seen H for months and months are amazed but very welcoming. So glad I maintained a neutral stance in any discussions I've had with them regarding our separation. It makes everything easier for everyone.
Again, it was a lovely evening and H and I even danced together!
At midnight we go our separate ways.
So, our friendship continues to grow and H clearly feels much more comfortable with me. Thank God.
I'm keeping the road home smooth and paved but I have no idea whether H will choose to walk it.
I have had a few internal battles with moments of frustration - especially when things are so good. But I know that any pressure will stuff things up.
And I'm not even sure he is trying to reconnect.
Monday morning here and looking forward to a busy working week and catching up with friends. The kids and I have also got everything ready to decorate the house for Christmas - and i can hardly believe how genuinely looking forward to it I am this year.

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