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Joined: Sep 2011
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My husband of 12 years (three kids) has been having an affair of some type for the last 2 months. I confronted him with his text messages over the phone while he was on business in the city where OW lives. From all evidence, they were together last night and he was supposed to fly home. Now, he wont return my calls or texts. He may just be gone.

I am alone with the kids who have no idea. So devastating. We were in a sex starved marriage....so I know I am to blame.

Any advice?


M 44, H 46
D11, D9, D5
Married 12 years
PA confirmed 9/2011
I filed 3/2012
H moved out 7/2012
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 1,583
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How are you doing Nb?


M44 H41
M20 T23
3 older teens
Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy"
EA Nov 09 w/coworker
Another PA in Mar 10
I Filed Apr 10
D final Dec 10
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 299
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He did come home a day later and now we are on a roller coaster. I am seeing an IC who knows DB techniques. Basically, I am trying to GAL while he travels to OW's city each week for work. He has been coming home on the weekends and is somewhat affectionate and we are doing okay as "friends" and parents.

However, he won't quit the affair (It is both EA and PA). He has never had the intimate conversations he is having with her with me...that is the biggest draw. OW is separated, three kids, older than me, but wealthy.

For now, he is coming home, I lifted an early ultimatum...but affair is only 8 weeks old, long distance, so I have no confidence it will end soon. I am trying to hang in there and keep him coming home...but I am in constant pain.

The good news is I am secure financially with my job, have three girls, and a few friends who know and are supportive. H hasn't told anyone except a divorced friend of his. Our families have no idea.

I freaked out a bit today...he is seeing OW on Friday. We were on the phone and H likes to make jokes about affairs....I told him I didn't find that funny. I also told him I need to detach. (probably a mistake). He said we should talk when he gets home. I am scared.

Amazing how traumatic this is when you aren't even sure why you should care to be married to someone who cheats on you. (and can't stop)

I don't know all the acronyms yet but

M 12 years
T 14 years
Husband distant sine 5/11
Affair started about 8/11
Pa


M 44, H 46
D11, D9, D5
Married 12 years
PA confirmed 9/2011
I filed 3/2012
H moved out 7/2012
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 4,866
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On what seems only the most rare occasions, confrontation can turn things around...

On the statistically inaccurate 99.999% of the other times, it compels the WAS further into the A or deeper under ground...

I don't know it is ever easy, when we wear our love for our spouses on our sleeves or at the top of our minds...

Confronting did nothing for you, so further confronting will likely do the same...

The best advice is to thought stop, detach, and stay out of your emotions regarding your H, at this time...

And last as long as you can... if you can last longer than the A, then your M may have a chance... if you can last as long as you can... then at least you can say you held on as long as you could...

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Good advice. I agree, I need to stop thinking about the affair and detaching. Not easy...we shall see how this weekend goes. We haven't been together on a weekend since I found out about the affair. He hasn't been with her on weekends but we have each had separate plans.

My IC thinks I am seeing enough positive signs that I should be fun, exciting, etc around H. I should view the OW as competition. I am finding that hard so will talk more with her on that tomorrow.

I also think I am in a tough spot timing wise...their affair is just starting. However, it is so "textbook" that I am not overly convinced my H has found his soulmate. (he admitted he would work on the marriage if he breaks up with her).

Thanks,


M 44, H 46
D11, D9, D5
Married 12 years
PA confirmed 9/2011
I filed 3/2012
H moved out 7/2012
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 299
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Nblost Offline OP
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Also, I am not sorry I confronted. He was more upset and ready to leave when it was a secret. He has had to be sorry and somewhat affectionate towards me which seems to have rekindled a few feelings in him.

I also have read the secret of the affair can add to it's sizzle...

But, he isn't ready to end it so I agree it didn't work as a solution.


M 44, H 46
D11, D9, D5
Married 12 years
PA confirmed 9/2011
I filed 3/2012
H moved out 7/2012
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 251
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Hi Nblost,

For me, I have confronted my H twice over the last 3 years. The first time.....conversations were leading to divorce. I pulled back, found this website and read the DB book and things seemed to stabilize somewhat.

Second time I confronted, he just sat on the couch and lied to my face.

So from the perspective of a person who has been here for awhile, at least you got everything off your chest.

In a way it might make it easier if your H is not around while you are GAL. Then when he does reappear, you will be a more confident you and he will see what he has been missing!! Hang in there. smile HUGS!!


Me - 49
H - 56
S - 23
D - 20
Married 25 years
H moved out 10/11/13
H moved back in 10/13/13
H moved out again 8/1/14
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 435
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What is his incentive to stop when he has both of you? Are you just going to sit back let him screw his brains out with the OW and hope that something comes betweem then and they break up? You shouldn't sit back and take being a second choice!!! What will stop him from doing it again in the future especially when he thinks you won't leave.

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It's been another week and my husband is still coming home on the weekends and sending me some friendly texts when he is gone. He's silent about the affair, but that leads me to believe it is still going on.

I am going to read him this letter this weekend. It's not exactly fitting the divorce busting philosophy, but I am at the point where I am not willing to live with his affair indefinitely. I am trying not to give him an ultimatum, but yet I won't sit here for months while he cheats on me. If he can't recognize the pain he is causing, this will never end.

My counselor helped me with some of these concepts and trying to stay focused on myself and the marriage versus his sins.

Dear X,

I wanted to share some of my thoughts with you on what has been happening to our marriage.

The past few months have been very painful for me. I am feeling devastated and I have a constant pain in my heart. I donít think anything could be harder than when I am alone and you are away in an intimate relationship with someone else. I am also struggling to be here with our daughters knowing what is happening to our marriage. I would never want them to go through this and feel this pain.

Deep down, I know why I am trying to endure and survive. I believe our marriage is worth fighting for. Your affair has been a huge wake-up call. I think I told you that in a way, I am glad this has happened. I donít want to live the rest of our lives how we had been living. Our marriage and our lives needed to improve. I wish we could have gotten to this point in a different way, but we are here.

I know I am to blame for a lot of what has happened in our marriage. I can understand why you are very angry with me and why you have distanced yourself from me. I know if we decide to work on things, I will need to understand those things even more. Our marriage hasnít been given the attention and passion it deserves. I didnít give you the intimacy you needed and when you asked for it, I shut down. I know you tried to talk to me about problems in the past. I truly regret not listening better, not getting help and not doing everything I could to improve things. I am sorry. When I think of how I want our marriage to be, I donít want what our marriage has been like. I want to feel connected to you, I want to have intimate conversations, I want to be passionate, and I want us to be happy. I donít like living as roommates. I want us to be truly together.

Through this experience, I feel like a lot of layers have been peeled away from me. I feel more open and more in touch with what is important in life. I guess through feeling like Iíve lost control of our marriage, Iíve realized I was trying too hard to control unimportant things before. I let things bother me and didnít know how to communicate my frustrations to you.

I miss our marriage. I miss really feeling like a family. I miss being able to talk to you and laugh with you. I care about being there for you and I have always loved being your partner and supporting you. I want to have things to look forward to together.

I want to fight for our marriage and work to regain my trust and our love again, but that feels impossible when you are building a new relationship with someone else. If we are going to make our marriage work, we need to both invest emotionally in our marriage and in re-connecting. I have had a hard time seeing how disconnected you are from our marriage and from our family. I have had to start distancing myself from you in some ways too. I canít be as vulnerable as I need to be until I know you are only with me. It hurts too much.

I am willing to give you some time, but I canít go on very long like this. I want to move forward and start working on forgiveness and improving our lives. I am scared, but I wanted to let you know how I am feeling.

I also know that words on a page are not enough. I need to prove myself to you and I hope you will give me a chance.


M 44, H 46
D11, D9, D5
Married 12 years
PA confirmed 9/2011
I filed 3/2012
H moved out 7/2012
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 299
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Posts: 299
One more update. I talked to him about the points in my letter, but he didn't want to read it. He wasn't ready to process the emotions yet. (apparently, it's just up to me to feel the pain).

Yesterday, I finally got a hold of his cellphone and saw first hand the amount of texting/sexting he is doing with the other woman. He is sending her pictures of our kids while we are out as a family (not mentioning I am there). They went on a vacation to Las Veg


M 44, H 46
D11, D9, D5
Married 12 years
PA confirmed 9/2011
I filed 3/2012
H moved out 7/2012
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