Tad, You've did well in how you handled your conversation w/your wife. Leave her to sit and ponder for a while.
Each poster has given you excellent advice and much to think about. She knows that you care and would jump over the moon to have her return home, but her journey is not yet completed and she's going to have to finish it up before she comes to realize what she's lost. She's still very much in the teen years and she needs to grow up.
Divorce hearings have a way of making people emotional and think about things. Her ponderings are pretty much the standard thoughts for mlcers. They all want to be friends in the future, but they don't realize the damage they have created and there just might not be a place in the lbs lives later on. Many lbs move on to new relationships and do not want to be friends w/them. It's a gamble that has a very high price tag on it. But, at this time, it's not something you need to be concerned about, as you need to focus on the here and now.
Tad, keep up the good work.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Snodderly,thank you for saying I did well. I'm just trying so hard to not stir the pot you know? I basically walk on egg shells when we do interact.
Eric, detaching is for ME buddy. I know this, but sometimes have a hard time.
Quote:
The more you detach the more you force her to find her focus/direction.
IF there's a chance for her to come out of the fog it will NOT be with YOU "guiding" her out of the fog. This is HER Journey and it's a solo one.
Keep detaching...if you change course now and go back to pursuing, you could blow it for good.
Please stop telling her you miss her and what you had and all that stuff. You have said PLENTY...
I know 25. As much as I would like to guide her, I know that there is really nothing I can do and guiding her could actually hold her back.
When I told her that I missed what we had, I was just trying to agree with her text, but I guess I should just keep my mouth shut. Like I've said before, this all seems so counter-productive.
BTW - I agree with Eric. That was an AMAZING post. I've probably read it ten times already.
Latest update:
I spent this evening filling out more paperwork for the D. I waited until the last minute because it has to be received by the court and my W by Friday and I'm hoping that she forgets to get hers done. I'm sticking mine in the mail tomorrow morning. W hasn't even completed hers yet.
I've had some decent days, but man, I'm still having a hard time detaching 100%.
Still praying for a miracle.
Thanks again for everything.
Tad
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
I've had a few good days lately. Today was a little weird though. I kept thinking about how a lot of people I know and all of the celebrities get divorced. It's almost like divorce is the "in thing" and that it is "normal." Only a year ago my W was totally against divorce. I still am.
Sometimes I think I should just give up. I just wonder what the hope is really doing for me.
My court date is set for October 14th. As far as I know, W has STILL not turned in her paperwork that is due tomorrow. Is this normal? She's so forgetful these days.
Anyways, that is all for now. Just wanted to get my feelings down.
I sure hope to save my marriage.....
My sons and friends have noticed changes in me. W still does not....
Tad
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
Drew, what you said is true. I just don't think she does....
Mach, Very good question. I do want to save the marriage. I just wonder if I'm hanging onto hope for nothing.
Quick update:
W got to my house a couple of minutes before me from work to pick up S16 this evening. She asked if she could come in because she wanted to talk to me and our sons. My boys had dinner before I got home. She told them that it was terrible that they didn't save me any. She asked how I was doing. I told her I was great and about my job. She sat us all down at the table and I thought "here it comes.....she is going to delay things."
WRONG
She ended up telling us that her stepdad's cancer has returned. I told her I was sorry and to give her parents my best.
This may sound terrible, but I felt like a kid at Christmas waiting for the last big gift under the tree and "knowing" it was the one thing that I really wanted and finding out that it was a pair of socks. So disappointed.....
She asked how my mom was doing.
She looked amazing for once and seemed like her old self.
I realized how much I really do miss her and still want her in my life.
My God.
Anyways, I thought about sending her a text after she left that said: "Do you think sometime soon we can sit down and really talk about us?"
That's a big NO-NO right?
I just can't believe that throwing away and forgetting the past 26 years can be so easy for her.
Legal update:
My W and I were supposed to each fill out a statement before our court date coming up on October 14th. We were supposed to each send one to the judge and one to each other. To my knowledge, W has not sent it because I have not received my copy from her. I have sent mine to the judge, but not to W. I'm almost afraid if I send it to her, it will remind her to get her copy in. It'll be late, but she'll still get it in. Make any sense? The deadline was today. Any advice on what I should do? 25, aren't you a lawyer? Any thoughts?
A little down after seeing the old W tonight......Sometimes I want to see the crazy W just so I KNOW it is MLC. I know, that sounds really bad.
I guess things are just starting to sink in...
Tad
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
just so I know I'm not confusing you with someone else, this is the same woman w/the crazy texting to you recently? Where she got mad about a gf from 6th grade? Don't forget that. I don't say that so you'll "hold onto your anger" but I do want you to hold onto reality and not get amnesia b/c she looks good and acted normal for 24 hours.
Originally Posted By: tadpole1025
Drew, what you said is true. I just don't think she does.... Can we NOT discuss what you think she thinks about whether she notices your changes....??? Just for awhile?? Remember that think about GAL?
Mach, Very good question. I do want to save the marriage. I just wonder if I'm hanging onto hope for nothing.
what does that hope "cost" You? How costly is holding onto hope a few more months when it's a 26 y/marriage you are talking about? What pressure are you under to end things and give up sooner? IS there an OW? I mean, what's with this idea that you MUST see results or quit?
Why can't you just be your best self anyhow?
Quick update:
W got to my house a couple of minutes before me from work to pick up S16 this evening. She asked if she could come in because she wanted to talk to me and our sons. My boys had dinner before I got home. She told them that it was terrible that they didn't save me any. wth? whatever...
She asked how I was doing. I told her I was great and about my job. She sat us all down at the table and I thought "here it comes.....she is going to delay things."
WRONG You wanted her to delay the divorce stuff or you dreaded her doing it? I'm confused...
She ended up telling us that her stepdad's cancer has returned. I told her I was sorry and to give her parents my best.
This may sound terrible, but I felt like a kid at Christmas waiting for the last big gift under the tree and "knowing" it was the one thing that I really wanted and finding out that it was a pair of socks. So disappointed..... Tad, get a helmet on and screw it on straight. THINK THIS OUT...
are you telling us that if your wife --who was batchit crazy less than a month ago, --told you "ILY and Don't want a divorce"...that would be FINE with you??
All would be well??? Man you are not seeing the light here...you are choosing blindness.
She looked amazing for once and seemed like her old self. I realized how much I really do miss her and still want her in my life.
well that's b/c "FOR ONCE" She wasn't a nutjob blaming you for gf's from 30 years ago tonight...
she wasn't whining about speeding up the divorce and telling you to hurry up and GAL and leave her alone...
Why are you sweeping all that under the rug?
I worry that your biggest problem of fear and conflict avoidance, REMAINS UNCHANGED---
"conflict avoidance" =
aka cowardice b/c frankly, few of us LIKE conflict-- but we handle it b/c it's life and
ignoring the awkward moments tends to INCREASE them and their severity...
I worry that has not changed or improved for you...so you two would be back here in a year or two...
My God.
Anyways, I thought about sending her a text after she left that said: "Do you think sometime soon we can sit down and really talk about us?"
That's a big NO-NO right? RIGHT....(OMG!!)...
I just can't believe that throwing away and forgetting the past 26 years can be so easy for her. STOP MIND READING THIS^^^...
IT'S A BAD UNHEALTHY UNPRODUCTIVE CHOICE YOU KEEP MAKING...
Legal update:
My W and I were supposed to each fill out a statement before our court date coming up on October 14th. We were supposed to each send one to the judge and one to each other. To my knowledge, W has not sent it because I have not received my copy from her. I have sent mine to the judge, but not to W. I'm almost afraid if I send it to her, it will remind her to get her copy in. It'll be late, but she'll still get it in. Make any sense? The deadline was today. Any advice on what I should do? 25, aren't you a lawyer? Any thoughts? I don't know what state you are in, nor am I licensed in it, nor would I give legal advice to someone I didn't know online...in public about a matter for which I have insufficient information.
But I would urge YOU to make a call to your L and ask them. Why are you afraid to call your L?
My feeling is you are again letting your negative mind reading and FEARS rule your actions. That's same old same old and has gone on for too long...
You are now paralyzing yourself from compliance with the law b/c it might make the woman who is divorcing you, remember that she didn't mail something??
Then what would happen?
Would she....leave you? Oh wait, that already happened...would she get angry or yell? Already did that too.
I'm not trying to hurt you-I'm trying to protect you... When has SHE acted at all better towards you?
When you are dark and more confident.
Any answers seem clearer to you now Tad?
I think some of this is just a way to say STFU and be more disciplined man.
There is strength in silence. Your pursuit has only hurt your cause and self respect. Your sons are watching...they see.
When you get the urge to pursue her and ask to talk (as if that would go well Tad...
You really think suddenly the words out of your mouth will Now be the right mix, so that she'll completely wake up and what? She'll GET IT?"--
instead of pursuing her yet again-
read the text messages you two engaged in and remind yourself of why she's out of the house but your boys are with you...
and remind yourself of how much work you both have to do to have a healthy m again.
When she is ready you will know! She's no wall flower.
A little down after seeing the old W tonight......Sometimes I want to see the crazy W just so I KNOW it is MLC. I know, that sounds really bad.
See above comment
I guess things are just starting to sink in...
Tad
possibly sinking in for her too...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
What she said! A very wise woman who continues to come and give you gold standard advice
Many MLcers, and my xh did it in spades, do what I call 'Pass for normal' periodically. It is disorienting, because they seem a little like their old selves, and you suddenly think OMG perhaps it is me after all. The strain of being normal usually seems to provoke them to new heights of craziness shortly thereafter, so hold on to your seat on this one.
After the first few times I got used to it, and even used to say to myself OK here is Mr Pass-for-normal today.
The other thing is they can't keep it up for very long before the facade seems to crack, and the craziness leaks out . . . .
It is very early days for most MLC. Let her go Tad, and while it is good to keep hoping, there is no quick fix or miracle cure for all of this, and frankly I agree with 25 - you seem like an awfully nice man, but could use a little more work.
I liked who I was, but I like the new me even more. And I am still work in progress.
Also divorce isn't the end. Read Valeria's thread, read Holly's thread. Sometimes they wake up years later . . . . and see what a gem you have become, and want back in. But because you have become such a gem all too often, someone else has recognised it too!
But please, no romantic involvement for a good while. All too often it is an enjoyable distraction from working on ourselves, and then if our WAS wakes up we have some tough choices to make.
This journey of ours isn't exactly about feeling good, and it isn't about instant happiness. Those are good goals, but only achieved by hard work, not our spouse 'waking up' or our finding another 'soul mate' The fact that we think these might be the answers is a sign of our our malaise.
I thought about sending her a text after she left that said: "Do you think sometime soon we can sit down and really talk about us?"
That's a big NO-NO right?
Tad, really? Do you like getting hit with 2 X 4s? How many different ways can we keep saying the same thing to you? You've been at this long enough now that you know better than to even think about doing this, much less asking about it. Why do you keep thinking that any peek out of the tunnel from your W is an open invitation to pursue?
You will definitely know when/if your W emerges from the tunnel.
25 is right. Go back and read over your threads. It's clear that your progress was made when you focused on yourself. Your W moved closer when you pulled back.
Can I ask if you have a boundary that if your W goes through with the D that that's it for you? That you will stop standing? That's OK if it is, your choice. There are MLCer's that have to have a D to complete their journey. It is still the early days for your W. We've told you many times that most MLC's are measured in years, not months.
There is nothing to say that a piece of paper has to destroy all hope. You can have hope no matter what happens. It is your choice whether to have it or not. You can carry your hope and move forward with your life. Moving forward is different from moving on.
You keep saying that you don't think your W notices your changes. This tells me your changes are to try to win her back, not for yourself. If you are truly on your way to becoming the best Tad you can be, who cares whether she notices or not. If she doesn't wake up and see them, someone else down the road sure will. They're for you.
What's new with you? You've been at your job for a while now. How's that going? What have you been doing to GAL? How are your boys doing, aside from their R with their Mom? What kind of activities are they involved in?
It's your turn, Tad. Your W has made her choice for now, maybe for good. Let her go and concentrate on yourself and your kids.
We're here walking with you...as Brookie says, keep steppin.
Very good question. I