I don't hear from STBXH very much these days. There is the pre-arranged kid pick up/drop off days and times.. but he doesn't look at me or speak to me unless it's about the kids. It distresses me but doesn't make me sad anymore. It is... what it is.
Life is funny.
Last night I got a text from him asking "Is there any reason I'm not getting a good night phone call from the kids?"
Now.. I have been doing such a good job at not thinking about him that I actually *had* forgotten all about the good night Daddy phone call and probably wouldn't have done it had he not reminded me... fortunately the kids weren't quite in bed yet (I was brushing their teeth) so I got away with *truthfully* responding "Kids aren't in bed yet... hang on.. brushing their teeth. Then they'll call."
Today was a blur of activity.. kids went to bed and I flopped down on the couch, exhausted.
Got a phone call from STBXH's cell.
Dammit! I forgot to have the kids call him goodnight.
I apologized on the phone to him.. said it was my fault.. completely forgot... and I did honestly feel bad that I had forgotten.
He said simply "Ok"... and hung up.
Phoned back two minutes later and told me that he's going to call the kids in the morning because he has to "tell them something"... didn't explain.
Okay...?
Sigh... it feels like my life is now filled with drama.. big drama, small drama..
Struggling.. not with impending divorce anymore but with my feelings on being so instantly replaced. Seeing STBXH with our children and K and her son... his new family... brings up feelings of distress. Seeing her sitting in the passenger seat of his car, where I used to sit.. where OW#1 used to sit.. brings about all sorts of feelings of anxiety.
I don't want him back anymore.. so why these feelings?
I'm also fighting with this need to "be with someone"... ideas of dating have been more and more frequently crossing my mind. Just to connect again, intimately with someone would be nice.
I'm also fighting with this need to "be with someone"... ideas of dating have been more and more frequently crossing my mind. Just to connect again, intimately with someone would be nice.
Need, or strategy to get a need fulfilled?
I wouldn't say it's crazy talk -- probably good to experience it and at least validate that you're thinking it.
M: 32 W: 29 T: 9 Years M: 4 Years I hit rock bottom: 2/11 PA admitted: 4/11 WAW: 5/11 D filed: 6/11 now: Patience, wisdom, and growth - hopefully.
hi-- i have been thinking of you. Hey, go to the livestong website and look up the detachment article. I posted a comment there --- hint hint~!!!!! *** do it asap!!
I totally understand your words about being so quickly replaced. I haven't seen W and OW together.....YET..... I am positive i can't handle it right now. But, honey, you are growing and learning --- no matter how hard it is. HE is floundering and stuck making the same mistakes.... Darn it my battery is dying. Will come back later.
Don't forget to go to that site. Google it
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
STBXH and I are just telling the kids that Daddy lives in the city now, not in our house or in our town. They are pretty accepting of it, for the most part.. because they have gotten quite used to not seeing him around for long periods of time.
The more I think about it.. the more I realize that.. while he is a good father, STBXH was not a good family man. After our second was born... he really started to change and to spiral.. and that's when the affairs started happening. He doesn't want full custody of them.. he signed that away pretty quickly. He just wants to see them and have a relationship with them.. but not to do all the work. All in all.. he's more like a favorite uncle than a father... sounds harsh, doesn't it? :S
This weekend I GALed! The kids spent the night out at STBXH and K's house for the first time ever... which I felt sad about, but I know they had a good time. I spent the night out with friends and ended up at High School Friend's house playing some video games and watching funny videos online. Spent the night on his couch and went out for breakfast after another movie.
I had so much fun. And I really surprised myself by "getting out there" and meeting some of his friends. Even played a round of pool.
When STBXH dropped the kids off today I can tell that he's fidgety and uncomfortable around me. I can also tell that he wants more. He wants hugs. He wants me to approve. He wants us to be friends.... he doesn't like feeling sad and guilty around me all the time.
I can't give him what he wants... maybe one day.. but I can't hug him and call him my friend. And that's why I feel sad and sick whenever I see him...
Sorry the kid exchange was as unpleasant as it was.
I foresee it being unpleasant for quite awhile. Sometimes he's sullen and morose.. sometimes angry... I'm keeping him at emotional arms length because I'm done... but I'm still hurt. I... I don't want to be his friend. Not yet. And I hate feeling that way. I've always been accommodating to his needs.. suppose it got me walked all over.
The straw that broke the camel's back this time wasn't the third affair... it was him telling me that he was checking my FB account so see what I was saying about him to others.
I'm still angry about that.
I wasn't the one that left the home, I wasn't the one that broke up the family, I wasn't the one that was nursing an emotional affair into a full blown girlfriend... why in the world was he spying on *me*? Karma I guess....
I'm seeing a lawyer in November... have to wait a full calendar year until I can file for divorce. I'm ready for it this time.
It's the most depressing and exciting realization I've ever come to.
And that's why I feel sad and sick whenever I see him...