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Joined: Aug 2011
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Why is he doing this to himself again? He nearly destroyed himself last time. First there was OW#1, the OW#2.. then no one.. then he considered suicide.

And now if feels like it's starting all over again.

Sigh... I know, I know.. he should not be my focus. I just... I'm just worried for him. I care for the idiot.

Well.. enough about him, right? At least for now.

Spent all night talking to friends and doing "Everyone knows now and I just want to crawl into a hole and die" damage control.

So grateful that I have some counseling to go to tomorrow morning.


Me: 32/ H: 32/ S5/ D4
T: 14/ M: 10
ILYB #1 (w/ OW#1, then OW#2): Summer 2008
Recon: Winter 2009
ILYB #2: Summer 2011 (w/ OW#3)
Asked for S: Sept 2011

H has moved out, wants D. Wants to remain good friends.
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 332
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Difficult, I know

My W has her fb status now as in a R ( so I am told)

This is a reflection on them, not us

Attention seeking and immature IMHO

Sending you ((((hugs))))


Me - 37
W - 38
D - 14
S - 12
Together - 16
Married - 12
Bomb - April 13, 2011
W moved out - May 13, 2011

The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 218
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So sorry Lucky, I know that's so hard... ((hugs))

You already know what you have to do. Concentrate on yourself, be the better person and focus on detaching. This is NOT a reflection on you. It will get better.

I'm sure its going to be tough when he comes over, but don't let him see how this has affected you. I wouldn't even mention it- be cordial, stick to necessary conversation and look your best. You already know how this is going to play out on his side, and in the end you will be so proud of yourself and how you handled this.

Take care, we're all thinking about you here. This too shall pass!!!


M 40
H 45
T 6
M 5
D 3
Bomb: 5/2011
S 5/2011
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 170
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Journaling -

The roller coaster has dipped down, dramatically.

Worst nightmare happened. Got into a fight with STBXH on the phone.

I texted him inquiring about if he could watch the kids overnight so I could go out for my birthday. He said that yes he and K would watch the kids for me. Then he said "contrary to what people say, we're good people".

I messed up. I took the bait.

I texted: "I know.. and I never partook in that." (He was referring to all the negative backlash he got from announcing his relationship with K online.. I didn't participate in it.)

He texted: "That's not entirely true. You did participate. Don't worry. I forgive you."

I was incredulous. What... what...? WHAT? He forgives me? I've been trying to protect him and he forgives me?!

I phoned him and said "What exactly are you accusing me of?"

He said "I saw everything you have been saying on FB with S (K's best friend) (private facebook messages)"

Backstory:

S FB msged me, crying.. saying she had lost her best friend to my STBXH. I engaged her for a bit. She told me that K was a slut and would sleep with anyone. Eventually I asked S to stop telling me things that weren't my business.. but not before I told her that I thought perhaps I should go get myself tested for STIs perhaps.

End backstory.

H yelled at me over the phone "I saw everything you and S typed. You called K a slut! You said you had to get yourself tested. You gossiped about us behind our backs. I didn't appreciate it but I forgive you. You didn't catch anything because I was respectful. I waited until we signed seperation papers before I slept with K."

I couldn't control my body.. it's like instinct took over and I started to gulp and sob.. just hearing him say that. Then I hung up.

He phoned back. "Oh come on now! Why? Why would you cry? That doesn't make any sense.. you know that she's my gf... She is good for me... she's my best friend.. she *gets* me. Of course we've slept together."

I said. "You were spying on me?"

He said. "Yeah! How does *that* feel, huh?"

He also said. "I'm glad you are seeing a couseler because you clearly need some help to move on. I am in a good place right now. A happy place and for the first time in my life everything is clear. *You* have issues you need to work on and I wish you all the best with them."

And the rest of the conversation was a blur.

Even worse.. my brother was eavesdropping and heard nearly everything. (Separate issue.. I discussed how eavesdropping was not polite with him later.. between hugs and sobs.)

I tried to get into his mind again and it hurt! It hurt so much knowing that once I was in there... nothing made any bloody sense!

And now the shoe is on the other foot. STBXH is the one that is spying on *me*! frown I suppose that's my own fault for initially spying on him.

I'm feeling very paranoid. I changed all my passwords for my bank account, email and FB. But I don't know if he had access to my FB account or K had access to S's account. Or perhaps S was reporting to both of them? This is so stupid!

Everything I'm saying now is suspect. Nothing is private.

I'm going to make a list tonight of everything I use FB for and what I will stop using it for. I'm going digitally dark. FB will now be used for professional networking.

Between the fresh heartbreak of hearing his voice berate me, speaking of sleeping with K and how messed up I am, and knowing that he's been watching what I do online.. I feel like throwing up.


Me: 32/ H: 32/ S5/ D4
T: 14/ M: 10
ILYB #1 (w/ OW#1, then OW#2): Summer 2008
Recon: Winter 2009
ILYB #2: Summer 2011 (w/ OW#3)
Asked for S: Sept 2011

H has moved out, wants D. Wants to remain good friends.
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 170
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I still don't understand why he's the one checking my account! He's the one that wanted to move on.


Me: 32/ H: 32/ S5/ D4
T: 14/ M: 10
ILYB #1 (w/ OW#1, then OW#2): Summer 2008
Recon: Winter 2009
ILYB #2: Summer 2011 (w/ OW#3)
Asked for S: Sept 2011

H has moved out, wants D. Wants to remain good friends.
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 495
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Originally Posted By: Luckyclover


He phoned back. "Oh come on now! Why? Why would you cry? That doesn't make any sense.. you know that she's my gf... She is good for me... she's my best friend.. she *gets* me. Of course we've slept together."

Now that is just nasty and uncalled for. I am so sorry he was such an a$$hole. You have handled this with class and don't deserve this!!!!!!!

I said. "You were spying on me?"

He said. "Yeah! How does *that* feel, huh?"

He also said. "I'm glad you are seeing a couseler because you clearly need some help to move on. I am in a good place right now. A happy place and for the first time in my life everything is clear. *You* have issues you need to work on and I wish you all the best with them."

Sounds like some projection to me. And some heavy justification. Yeah, you're in a 'happy place'. Um hum.... and YOU have issues?? Well, don't we all...but he thinks his are all solved now. Again i reiterate -- honey, you DO NOT deserve this. he's grasping at straws here. My W also told me, remember that I'm not her best friend.... Sure, K is his best friend while she's 'new' When it gets tough, well, we know what he does when things get too hard.

And the rest of the conversation was a blur.

Even worse.. my brother was eavesdropping and heard nearly everything. (Separate issue.. I discussed how eavesdropping was not polite with him later.. between hugs and sobs.)

I tried to get into his mind again and it hurt! It hurt so much knowing that once I was in there... nothing made any bloody sense!

And now the shoe is on the other foot. STBXH is the one that is spying on *me*! frown I suppose that's my own fault for initially spying on him.

I'm feeling very paranoid. I changed all my passwords for my bank account, email and FB. But I don't know if he had access to my FB account or K had access to S's account. Or perhaps S was reporting to both of them? This is so stupid!

It's smart to change all the pwords anyway. I probably would treat S as suspect also. Sounds like S was talking out both sides of her mouth. How long have you known her? How well? I wouldn't say anything to S that I didn't want to go back to K and H verbatim.
Everything I'm saying now is suspect. Nothing is private.

I'm going to make a list tonight of everything I use FB for and what I will stop using it for. I'm going digitally dark. FB will now be used for professional networking.


Good call. I wish I could figure out how to find you. You sound so talented and interesting to me. How many instruments DO you play anyway? I actually did find some lucky clovers on FB. Perhaps a lucky cloverdb??

Between the fresh heartbreak of hearing his voice berate me, speaking of sleeping with K and how messed up I am, and knowing that he's been watching what I do online.. I feel like throwing up.


I understand that feeling. There is nothing i can say to make it better but I am sending you all the good energy and(((((hugs)))))) i can through cyberspace. I am so sorry. Like I said you sound like such a good person. But do not let H make u a doormat, even for a moment. You are the mom. You have the class. You have not cheated. You are the one YOU must take care of. Take care of yourself.


Me (f): 45
W(f) 35
T: 13 y
C: S4 adopted at birth
6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up
8-28-11 OW confirmed
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 495
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I'm still thinking about you!!!! Let us know how you are doing. I'm sending you good energy and thinking about you a lot. Take care. ((((((hugs)))))


Me (f): 45
W(f) 35
T: 13 y
C: S4 adopted at birth
6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up
8-28-11 OW confirmed
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 170
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Hey Shock.. everyone..

Sorry - I've been away from the forums for a bit.. life has been a blur. Counseling, kids, work, kids, anti-depressants, concerned friends, angry family, third step mother figure for my kids, STBXH... then one day I cracked...

I'm done. 10 years... left twice.. three girls he's slept with since he's married me.

I'm done.

The separation papers have been signed and mailed off. I am filling out the (stacks of!) forms to apply for legal aid and get myself a lawyer. I know I may change the way I feel but now.. I'm ready to begin filing for divorce.

I understand how one could read that and think I was typing it angry or bitterly.. But I am not. I am just weary.. and I feel so detached from what was...

My family.. my friends... would never forgive me if I took him back again. He wouldn't forgive me. I wouldn't forgive me. I don't want him back.. I want something more for myself.

I'm setting out... to become.. what I will become.


Me: 32/ H: 32/ S5/ D4
T: 14/ M: 10
ILYB #1 (w/ OW#1, then OW#2): Summer 2008
Recon: Winter 2009
ILYB #2: Summer 2011 (w/ OW#3)
Asked for S: Sept 2011

H has moved out, wants D. Wants to remain good friends.
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 2,748
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No need to apologize, Lucky. I'm sorry to hear about this, but I understand. Everyone knows what their own breaking point is. It sounds like you've thought this through.

Take care of yourself and your kids. Work on being your best possible you. You are a wonderful person.

God Bless,
jb


BITS
Me:46 / W:47 / M:19 / T:21 / S13
Bomb#1: 5/8/2008
MC: 5/2008 - 4/2010
Bomb#2: 2/10/2011
W moves out 5/7/2011

'With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.' - Matt. 19:26
Joined: Aug 2011
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I've wondered where u were. I'm sorry that you have had to come to this decision, but it makes sense. I think u should continue DBing ---- not to save the M at this point, but to keep your changes, your dignity, and all that we've been working on.

I DO believe u deserve better. I think your H has issues that have NOTHING to do with you and the more confident u get, the more you will realize and internalize that you do deserve respect. I feel that you are a genuinely good person who has been with a troubled man for a long time.

I wish we could actually talk. Please continue to stop by and let us know how things are going. DBing for YOU smile


Me (f): 45
W(f) 35
T: 13 y
C: S4 adopted at birth
6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up
8-28-11 OW confirmed
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