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A Message from Michele
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Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... [Re: dbmod] #2187139
09/18/11 02:56 AM
09/18/11 02:56 AM
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 495
I
In_Shock Offline
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In_Shock  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 495
what is up with the number 13? SO many of us have been together 13 years. Maybe i t really is UNLUCKY.

sorry u are here, but u will get great advice.


Me (f): 45
W(f) 35
T: 13 y
C: S4 adopted at birth
6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up
8-28-11 OW confirmed
Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... [Re: In_Shock] #2187144
09/18/11 03:35 AM
09/18/11 03:35 AM
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 51
Illinois
T
tjb54 Offline OP
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tjb54  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 51
Illinois
Can't disagree with ya on 13. Thanks, hoping for some advice! If nothing else, somewhere to unload. smile

I've been following your posts the last few days and can relate to some of it. My kids are my life as well. I fulfill their emotional needs. My S4 is my mini-me, my D9 is my super sensitive princess and I consider my SD12 my first born. I've been with my W since she was prego with her.

I'm not sure what my biggest fear is atm. The D or the day of telling the kids.

Tomorrow is my W's birthday so she at her mothers house having a party as I type this. Me with the kiddos this evening.

Suggestions on DR where I stand??


Me:38 W:35
T:13 M:10 (3/15/01)
SD:12 D:9 S:4
Need time to think: 7/19/11
D Bomb Dropped: 8/26/11
W serves me D papers: 9/6/11
Officially served 9/30/11
Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... [Re: tjb54] #2187732
09/21/11 12:33 AM
09/21/11 12:33 AM
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 51
Illinois
T
tjb54 Offline OP
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tjb54  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 51
Illinois
Not really sure how some are able to keep the hope alive for so long? Is it a common thought to think....F'it, so long, can't wait till this is final? Am I afraid of loosing my wife or just the effects that this will have on my kids?

For better or worse... Till death do we part...? Catch phrases or do they actually mean anything to anyone? When the D-bomb was dropped I was scared straight! Now I find myself thinking, 'Maybe this is the best for W and I?

Like many before me have said. "I just don't know this woman anymore?"


Me:38 W:35
T:13 M:10 (3/15/01)
SD:12 D:9 S:4
Need time to think: 7/19/11
D Bomb Dropped: 8/26/11
W serves me D papers: 9/6/11
Officially served 9/30/11
Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... [Re: tjb54] #2188713
09/24/11 04:09 PM
09/24/11 04:09 PM
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 51
Illinois
T
tjb54 Offline OP
Member
tjb54  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 51
Illinois
Hello all,

My emotions are all over the place. Really need some insight atm as to where and how to proceed?

D is set in motion. Very beginning stages. We are very civil and seem to get along better that when the bomb was first dropped. If the D wasn't in the air one wouldn't be none the wiser to an outsider.

Still in same house. I'm currently looking for a house. No physical contact since mid-July. Kisses goodnight and 'love ya' ceased August 29th or so. Still in same bed.

Constantly wondering what she's thinking, who's she texting, and who is she talking to on the phone.

Sooooo very confused!


Me:38 W:35
T:13 M:10 (3/15/01)
SD:12 D:9 S:4
Need time to think: 7/19/11
D Bomb Dropped: 8/26/11
W serves me D papers: 9/6/11
Officially served 9/30/11
Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... [Re: tjb54] #2188718
09/24/11 04:51 PM
09/24/11 04:51 PM
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 2,694
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TimeHeals Offline
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TimeHeals  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 2,694
Umm... check the phone bill?


M-47,W-40,No kids
D-filed 5/27/2010
Piecing - 10/21/2010
-=Soon to be banned=-
Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... [Re: tjb54] #2188726
09/24/11 05:15 PM
09/24/11 05:15 PM
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,901
Piney Land
R
Rick1963 Offline
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Rick1963  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,901
Piney Land
tjb54 our sitch are so similar. The getting angry at W doesn't work. I also have a horse issue, she spends lots of time at the barn but don't know if there is OM? Got served 9/2/11 with D papers and I know how desperate you feel. My W got tired of me being critical, negative and thretening if you do that stop it. I know it is hard but stop thinking of what she is doing it will make you crazy. read the DR book ASAP and post here so people can help. I'm fairly new at this but they tell me that PATIENCE is what is needed now.


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... [Re: tjb54] #2188763
09/24/11 08:50 PM
09/24/11 08:50 PM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
CA- now East coast
2
25yearsmlc Offline
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25yearsmlc  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
CA- now East coast
Originally Posted By: tjb54
Hello all,

My emotions are all over the place. Really need some insight atm as to where and how to proceed?

D is set in motion. Very beginning stages. We are very civil and seem to get along better that when the bomb was first dropped. If the D wasn't in the air one wouldn't be none the wiser to an outsider.


this ^^^is not all bad. You have the gift of some time to DB and I would NOT do all the house projects if you are not GAL at all.

GAL would also be a 180 and might help you in other ways.
Get a little mystery going for you. Did you read the 37 Rules for DBing newbies?

Also do you see how poorly you reacted to the rejection you felt from sex "denied" you? That's a classic problem that is at the core of many divorces...I hear women hating it mainly b/c they feel so pressured.

WHen I ask them what "pressure" means they say "h will pout or get angry if I say 'no'" and that turns them way off.

I am not the type to say "no" lightly, for several reasons.

But when I do, I don't want a hassle from my h acting like a kid who didn't get his ice cream. I don't withhold sex to punish or reward my h with. It's not a weapon.

OTOH if your w attaches too many "conditions precedent" to making love

then it IS a chore for you both. What? You have to build a room, or a brick wall, and she has to...do what? "put up with it", lay there? I also wish you had not let this problem fester so long.

Did she ever like sex? I'm betting yes...IF SO, it can come back.

What was different then? And what were you like when she fell in love with you?

That was a telling clue she gave you. She misses that man...and it is you.

Be him again. Underneath your pain and anger and fatigue and complacency

is the man she fell in love with.

RE:
when you tell the kids, my family c said not to say the word "divorce" but

" trial separation" to see if....OR a "time out" type of talk to let them down gently and allow them to adjust at their own rate.

Never say "divorce" if you are not 100% positive
and you're not. Even if she says she is...why push that onto them all at once?

Especially since things APPEAR to be good in the home. That makes kids crazy.





Still in same house. I'm currently looking for a house. No physical contact since mid-July. Kisses goodnight and 'love ya' ceased August 29th or so. Still in same bed.

why are YOU moving out? hire a L asap and empower yourself with knowledge. I hired one and she helped us stay together actually. Don't worry that it means you MUST do something but once you move out, you lose a lot of leverage.

BTW When H found out the reality of divorce, he got a lot nicer.


Constantly wondering what she's thinking, who's she texting, and who is she talking to on the phone.


Sooooo very confused!


STOP obsessing about what you do not control And all of that stuff ^^^ is out of your control

so it is ALL wasted energy on your end. And negative too.

I cannot stress GAL enough. Do it!

Be the best father you can be b/c you should be, for you and them and b/c no woman fails to notice that.

when thoughts of OM come into your mind (and a cute boy toy comment and some flirting are NOT the same as a true affair or I"ve had 343 of them!! grin

seriously though, if she found him attractive and joked about it, you need to be secure enough (at least in front of her)

to hide the jealousy b/c it sounds like it annoyed her a lot.

Rent some comedies to see, make it easy for her to feel relaxed around you, maybe even enough to laugh around you...

let her see you playing with the kids, let her see you reading to them or teaching them something...lovingly

and be a man only a fool would leave.

(( ))


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
(NA) Re: Just don't understand... [Re: dbmod] #2188766
09/24/11 09:01 PM
09/24/11 09:01 PM
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 170
Canada
L
Luckyclover Offline
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Luckyclover  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 170
Canada
Welcome tjb,

Sorry to see you come here but the people round these parts are wonderful.


Me: 32/ H: 32/ S5/ D4
T: 14/ M: 10
ILYB #1 (w/ OW#1, then OW#2): Summer 2008
Recon: Winter 2009
ILYB #2: Summer 2011 (w/ OW#3)
Asked for S: Sept 2011

H has moved out, wants D. Wants to remain good friends.
Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... [Re: Rick1963] #2188810
09/25/11 01:14 AM
09/25/11 01:14 AM
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 51
Illinois
T
tjb54 Offline OP
Member
tjb54  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 51
Illinois
Thanks Rick1963.

As far as the OM, my W is currently at a going away party for him. OM and his GF are moving to Texas. Good riddens...! Now if my W starts taking trips to Texas, I believe I'll have confirmation. LOL

Yes I have the DR book and have read it. I just can't locate where I'm at in this whole mess? Patience I have, it's time I'm worried about.


Me:38 W:35
T:13 M:10 (3/15/01)
SD:12 D:9 S:4
Need time to think: 7/19/11
D Bomb Dropped: 8/26/11
W serves me D papers: 9/6/11
Officially served 9/30/11
Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... [Re: Luckyclover] #2188811
09/25/11 01:15 AM
09/25/11 01:15 AM
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 51
Illinois
T
tjb54 Offline OP
Member
tjb54  Offline OP
Member
T
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 51
Illinois
LC,
That's what I'm seeing. Soooo much hurt yet so much hope. smile


Me:38 W:35
T:13 M:10 (3/15/01)
SD:12 D:9 S:4
Need time to think: 7/19/11
D Bomb Dropped: 8/26/11
W serves me D papers: 9/6/11
Officially served 9/30/11
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