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Valeria Offline OP
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Thanks Mandyloo - Good luck to you, too.

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Valeria Offline OP
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25Years asked me some questions that I have been pondering about.

One of them was what I thought was the reason for H's return. I said that I thought it was health reasons and facing his mortality with unfinished business. That's true but - after thinking about it some more - I also think that it was a little more involved.

With the economy affecting everyone, H could not find work in the state where we live. He had to relocate (temporarily) to a different part of the country. This is actually the first time since 2005 that H has been on his own (without OW). The job also required sobriety so he couldn't drink anyway.

OW was a heavy drinker so she contributed to his dependency on alcohol.

I think it was time away on his own with a clear (sober) mind to see the situation as it really is. He had time to think and he did. So, in a nutshell, it was the fact that he was forced to quit drinking and OW wasn't around to influence him that he finally woke up. His health issues were, of course, also a big factor.

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Val

what, if any, financial issues are involved here?

Not being overly cynical I hope, but I think it's important to know.

Would you be helped hurt or unaffected by a recon?

And your ex h?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Valeria Offline OP
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25 Years:

When we first married, H was broke - bankruptcy, terrible credit, etc., mostly due (once again!) to his drinking. H suffers from a bi-polar disorder that is only triggered by alcohol.

I helped him to stop drinking, get back in his career field, re-establish his credit, pay off his bills, etc. His career took off. He became very successful over the 20+ years we were married and not once did he drink - until 2005.

In early 2005, my mom had a critical health issue and was in ICU for over a month. She was hospitalized for 3 months total, and I was the sole sibling to be with her. I was at the hospital 10-12 hours a day. I had to quit my job to take care of her after she was discharged.

H was starting up a new company at that time and I had promised to help him when this terrible crisis with my mom arose. H traveled a lot due to the nature of the job, and during this time he began drinking again. His bi-polar disorder re-surfaced. That's when the young girlfriend, the Harley Davidson, etc., began.

Over the course of several months, H was arrested on a variety of charges (one of them was domestic abuse with the OW), and several DUI's. He lost his company and then had trouble finding work in his field.

I saw the writing on the wall. I knew that it was only a matter of time before he would be broke and filing bankruptcy again (just like before we married). So I made sure that his name was taken off our house, savings accounts, etc. I filed for divorce on the charges of adultery and asked for everything I could get. It wasn't out of vindiction but because I knew I would need to sell these things to support myself.

That's exactly what happened. By selling all the material things we acquired over the course of our marriage, I have been able to stay afloat.

The economy and the fact that H's reputation all but ruined him in his career field caused him to temporarily relocate to another part of the country to work. He still makes decent money but the creditors are breathing down his neck and he owes everybody.

H is brilliant in his field but his reputation for drinking has made employers wary. He knows that I can keep him sober and be successful once again, but ... do I want to save him again?

I told him I would never remarry him. Part of it is because of financial reasons. My credit is secure and I barely have enough to keep myself afloat for a few more years until I hit retirement age. I think he wants to come home bad enough that he would never jeopardize our relationship over alcohol again, but .. do I want to take that chance?

Sorry for the length of this post but you hit on an issue that is the basis for my worries. I appreciate any and all insight.

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Why does good news have to come with bad news? Why not just a riddle? Oh wait ... I think his good news includes some riddles. I hope you find answers to then that you can be comfortable with.

I understand your saying you won't weddin him agin. I work with a lady that had a MLC H, and the D. His new OW lasted the typical couple years and when they parted he spent a couple more working on his state of confusion. After buying a house on the same street he became friends with his original LBS. They now travel and show dogs again, their old original hobby. They rent separate rooms on the road, but share good times. They now enjoy family holidays with their grown kids again, and are best friends again.

She was the first to explain to me that the best revenge is to live the better life. Keep living your better life and if there is any room in it for an old best friend, that may be the right way to lean. Give your gut feelings a little time and don't rush it. If he is serious about getting back to his best life, he will understand that this may take time and he must show he can, instead of saying he can.

cool

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what he said^^^^, big time.

Good to see you Was2.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Posts: 1,002
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Valeria Offline OP
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Was2Sad:

I'm tickled pink to know you are still around and even posting on my thread!!!!

I like that scenario of "best buds". I can see H and myself going that route. He might have a different opinion but he doesn't get a vote. He broke it so I get to call the shots, lol!

Yep, time is key. I think most of my posts have stressed that I want time .. lots and lots of time.

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I agree with Was2Sad. And your own instinct not to rush things. I don't doubt that your h is sincere in wanting to return, and is very very sorry. BUT I am not convinced he has resolved any of his underlying issues. However, many people never do, and manage to keep themselves afloat.

The best buddies sounds like a good scenario to me, until and if you want more.

Maybe it is time to think again about the dynamic of your marriage/relationship and what made it work. Who put the effort in and where? This will be a new relationship for you both, even if it remains a friendship, and perhaps you might want to review old patterns that you would want to avoid this time around . . .

In my growing friendship with my xh I am much more affirming of him, because I recognise now just how fragile his ego is. But I do not want to prop him up or help him like I realise I used to. Unhealthy for me and for him. I accept who he is and celebrate the positive changes in him. I think he has been through h*ll, and is far from out of the dark place.

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Valeria Offline OP
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Hi Beatrice

H is a work in progress. He has not resolved all of his issues but he recognizes them. I think that is huge progress. He seems to want to fix the mistakes he made and be a good man again.

It won't all happen overnight. It will take time.

(There's that word again .. time!!! lol!)

It's good to know that you and your XH are making progress in your R and I hope it continues to grow positively in every way.

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Valeria Offline OP
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I re-read my post (re: finances) and wish that I had phrased it better.

I am currently living below poverty level. The "assets" that I acquired in my divorce weren't that many and I am barely keeping my head above water. I worked for almost 30 years but quit to take care of my mom. Going back to work is not an option for me.

I also asked for everything I could get in my divorce because I knew that H would lose it all to creditors in time. Also, I wanted to preserve as much as I could in case H and I ever reconciled at a future date. I had to file on grounds of adultery in order to accomplish this. Of course, everything is gone now because it took H six years to wake up and I needed the money to survive.

I haven't stepped foot in a beauty salon in two years. I haven't bought any new clothes in two years. I have learned to stretch a dollar and make-do or do without.

H is on probation with his job but he still makes a good salary. Unfortunately, most of it goes to creditors. He mentioned he might be able to help with the mortgage payments on our house. He hasn't lived here in 6 years but his name is still on the mortgage loan (I got a quit claim on it so that his creditors couldn't touch it). If he could do that, it would help me tremendously.

I have had to cash in my work retirement account but am hopeful that I can stretch it out until I am old enough to draw social security. I can do it if H helps with the mortgage payments.

Anyway, I think I gave the impression that all was financially okay for me and that's far from the truth. I wanted to clarify that because ... I know that most of you are struggling financially and I'm right there in the same boat with you.

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