So here I am unable to sleep. As i mentioned above...yesterday was like bd never happened. It was a nice day. No arguing, no talk about r. He wanted to cook tonight...so he did. We watched a movie. It felt okay, not strained....a big hug and 3 i love yous as he went to bed and down the stairs. I wanted to follow him, then decided not to. In reality i just wanted him to take me in his arms. We are so far apart as far as being intimate. I hate that. When we used to have an argument, we would make up...then we would feel healed and it seemed to make our love for one another stronger. But we dont have this anymore now. He said a week ago that the last time we were together was not satisfying to him, that something was missing. I felt so horrible hearing this. Like i'm not good enough.
I realize this is probably tmi for the board.
I'm just feeling so much tonight with no where to put it.
This is not going to magically get better in a day...but i am so glad we had one good day together.
He said a week ago that the last time we were together was not satisfying to him, that something was missing. I felt so horrible hearing this. Like i'm not good enough.
Ctflor - this is so common, please don't take it personally. ok, that was the dumbest thing I have ever said! how can you NOT take it personally? But trust me when I say that this has happened to most of us.
The last time I had sex with my H (months ago...should have been much longer than that!) I felt like I raped him. only a few of my really close friends on this board know this happened. but I see you in pain and I will share my story so you won't feel alone.
Back in Feb. - my H moved back home after being separated for 7 months. He moved back in because we were going to "try". that lasted for about 1 day. He couldn't let his girlfriend go. so instead of moving out, he just started sleeping on the couch. It was a strange time, we got along so well, even cuddled alot. but he always had his girlfriend.
On night, I had a lot of wine...He had been in my bedroom watching TV. I came into the room laid down and reached over and started kissing his neck (he stopped kissing my lips when the bomb dropped). I could tell he was "up" for the situation, but his mind was not. He kept saying saying, "no TAMF we shouldn't do this". but I was so desprate that I pushed it and we had sex. It was HORRIBLE. Afterward, I cried and cried. I had raped him. The only reason he had sex with me was because he felt guilty.
I have never been more humiliated in my life.
We always had a great sex life. and THIS is what it came down to?
So my advice to you is not to push it. Let it happen when he wants it. Otherwise it could be horrible. and you don't want that memory, trust me.
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
So here I am unable to sleep. As i mentioned above...yesterday was like bd never happened. It was a nice day. No arguing, no talk about r. He wanted to cook tonight...so he did. We watched a movie. It felt okay, not strained.... this is good stuff^^^. But expectations will get you everytime...
a big hug and 3 i love yous as he went to bed and down the stairs. I wanted to follow him, then decided not to. In reality i just wanted him to take me in his arms. We are so far apart as far as being intimate. I hate that. When we used to have an argument, we would make up...then we would feel healed and it seemed to make our love for one another stronger. Expectations...drop them for now.
But we dont have this anymore now.
You may again someday. It hasn't been all that long CT...
He said a week ago that the last time we were together was not satisfying to him, that something was missing. I felt so horrible hearing this. Like i'm not good enough. He's the MAN....this isn't about YOU...it's probably his fantasy of the perfect woman (the one who doesn't care for him) and no one can compare to that...this is not a reflection on YOU....seriously. OR it's his guilt making him feel inadequate...again, not about YOU.
But your reaction to this is within your control and IS about you. Be confident. It's his loss at least as much as yours. Let him discover that.
I realize this is probably tmi for the board.
Hardly tmi for THIS board...(no such thing)
I'm just feeling so much tonight with no where to put it.
This is not going to magically get better in a day...but i am so glad we had one good day together.
Savor it, have more, let them grow in number and then, in depth. TIME...times like this are on your side.
Don't push or "need", okay? Not helpful.
GAL...please...it's the single most important thing YOU CAN DO.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Tamf, I will totally take that advice. You are right, I shouldn't push, if even in my mind. I was reading something on another thread today in the vets tips, someone said to see our spouse as a frail baby bird in our hand, and to only be careful, because if you try to crush it, it could fly away.
I know I am supposed to detach but this morning I was laying there, and he put his arm around me and suddenly broke down crying really hard. I sat up and was quiet next to him. He then told me...
1. I'm losing my mind. I'm a jerk, I'm losing it and going crazy. 2. I'm conflicted and scared. 3. I don't know why you want me. All i do is cause you pain. 4. I don't want to lose you. 5. When I go hiking or play music I feel like I can sort through my feelings. I come back feeling better.
I was worried to see him crying and saying he was losing his mind. I was very quiet letting him do the talking. When he was done, I said, "how bout a hike today?"
He was crying really hard... I felt powerless. But later he thanked me for listening.
Did any of your spouses go through this intense depression...
I feel like after ow pretty much cut him off... it sent him spiraling downward. It's been going for days. However, as I said, yesterday he was doing ok.
25, today I almost feel detached from his pain. I feel like I'm standing outside the window looking in and watching all of this, even though I feel worried and scared for him.
He's clearly not well. In a way that's good as far as you not taking this all so personally
but its very concerning obviously...and even if he's "just super depressed" but doesn't kill himself
doesn't mean he can't destroy your m and his future...he needs help. You cannot fix him or force him to get help. Don't try to.
But surely HE sees he needs it?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
First thought - its best if you can be 'quiet' with yourself when he is experiencing this. Sometimes expressing empathy directly just fuels the pain.
Having experienced feelings 1, 2, 4, and 5 in my own life I can say that it sounds like he is experiencing some serious anxiety and some real depression.
Those negative self-evaluations that tend to be very general, they can easily lead to some depression.
M: 32 W: 29 T: 9 Years M: 4 Years I hit rock bottom: 2/11 PA admitted: 4/11 WAW: 5/11 D filed: 6/11 now: Patience, wisdom, and growth - hopefully.
Good advice from the posters. I am not a therapist, and so this is only what I have observed and read about, but there is overt depression, which your h is experiencing, and while terribly painful, it is clear to him and to others. As 25 says, he needs help and may be able to see it.
Covert depression is probably more common in MLC. I suspect that many MLCers have been silently depressed for years, and it bursts out at MLC, but they still do not see it as depression. They externalise it a lot of teh time on to their partner. If your h can get help it would be very good, but you cannot fix him. There are some very good books on coping with depression, and he might find reading one of those helful, or not. You know him best.
There is a book that a couple of my [formerly depressed] friends have read and found helpful called 'Depression: Your way out of prison' by Dorothy Rowe, who is an Australian psychotherapist who has worked in the States and Europe as well.
Hard though ths is, your h does realise he has problems. So many MLCers think it is the rest of the world that has got it wrong.
He's clearly not well. In a way that's good as far as you not taking this all so personally
but its very concerning obviously...and even if he's "just super depressed" but doesn't kill himself
doesn't mean he can't destroy your m and his future...he needs help. You cannot fix him or force him to get help. Don't try to.
But surely HE sees he needs it?
He wants to, but we are paying for our mc out of pocket and I don't know where we will come up with extra at this time. Thinking of asking the mc about him having a couple sessions on his own.
First thought - its best if you can be 'quiet' with yourself when he is experiencing this. Sometimes expressing empathy directly just fuels the pain.
Having experienced feelings 1, 2, 4, and 5 in my own life I can say that it sounds like he is experiencing some serious anxiety and some real depression.
Those negative self-evaluations that tend to be very general, they can easily lead to some depression.
Thanks for sharing this with me... really appreciate it. Part of me wants to sit next to him and let him have his feelings without me reaching out to put an arm around him. I'm thinking at times it must be uncomfortable to him.
