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Here is a title to my old thread.

Too Tired To Fight

Brief Overview.
W and I have been separated for almost 5 months due to "I love you but" and "finding herself". D-Bomb dropped on July 9th. July 31st, I found out she is officially dating again. There is no contact unless it is about D.

Journaling...

The reason I didn't name my thread "Too Tired to Fight pt 2" is because it no longer applies to my sitch. Because I'm not too tired to stop fighting. I plan to keep fighting for the rest of my life.

I think the biggest realization that I have made in the last 5 months is that it's truly not about saving my m, it is about saving me. You hear it on the board all the time, but it's hard to understand... especially when you are new to this kind of pain. It's hard because we are in our own fog. A fog of pain and confusion where our only goal is to save our marriage.. NO MATTER WHAT. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with the "save our marriage" mentality (lord knows I still wish I could) but we can twist it to not only pursue and beg, but to stop from detaching, or be paralyzed in so much fear we can't make decisions. We can use that goal to keep things status quo because we focus soo much on fixing the "unit", we don't look at ourselves. The individual that makes up 50% of the unit. I don't know if that makes sense. I'm not sure I can really describe it.

So when I say I plan to keep fighting for the rest of my life, I don't mean for my marriage. I mean for me. Just because my validating and understanding didn't stop my w from walking out the door. Nor did my 180s stop her from walking out of my life, didn't mean it didn't save me. For me, DBing goes way beyond my marriage, but into all r's. It's hard and it's sad, but every day I become more okay with the fact that even though I am working on me it doesn't mean my m will get better. I am learning to be okay with the fact that this hardship is in my life so I can become a better Val.

I'm learning who I want to be at that's why I labeled my sitch what I have. I've been challenged by wonderful people on this board to condense my goals and set actions. I know I don't have everything figured out yet and probably won't for awhile, but it seems that my 13 goals can be achieved from those four words. Grace, Love, Compassion, and Faith.

For my w, for myself, for sitch, my friends, my family, co-workers, and even people I've never met. It just seems that if I do my d@mndest to have every interaction, action, etc come from that place.. things will be alright. Better than alright, it will be great.

I consider this a moment of clarity in the craziness and emotional rollercoaster of what is - my current life. wink


M(f): 40
D'ed: 8/12

Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.

Love at all costs because you are loved well.
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^^^^^^Beautiful.

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Thanks Edmond. Your suggestion was great... I just added to it. wink


M(f): 40
D'ed: 8/12

Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.

Love at all costs because you are loved well.
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What a great post Valeska and so true. It is something I had to read tonight as I remind myself that I am changing my life for me.


"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack."
¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
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That is a great post and POV...Now go GAL the sh!t out of this weekend!


BITS
Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55
D 30
S 27

You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
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Thanks for that.

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RO & DG. Your welcome. I'm glad my words helped.

@ JS - I might have consider getting that tattooed somewhere.. lol

Can I just say how excited I am that football season is here.

WE ARE PENN STATE!


M(f): 40
D'ed: 8/12

Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.

Love at all costs because you are loved well.
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Val, very, very nice post. What an excellent attitude. You're coming a long way!


BITS
Me:46 / W:47 / M:19 / T:21 / S13
Bomb#1: 5/8/2008
MC: 5/2008 - 4/2010
Bomb#2: 2/10/2011
W moves out 5/7/2011

'With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.' - Matt. 19:26
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Fantastic post, Val.

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W and I connected yesterday in regards to my email question.

Conversation started with my FB post about not being able to watch Penn State. We chatted about that for a minute.

Our conversation about the mediation email was pleasant. She mentioned that she just wanted to create the list of assets beforehand so we could "quickly" discuss things when we met. That we could each have a gameplan going into it. I told her that made sense.

She also reiterated that she wanted to meet soon. I told her I was on a show and would let her know when I was available. She handled it well. It was the best I could do as I'm still working out some emotional stuff in regards to the meeting.

We talked about the check. Again she mentioned that she wanted to cash it soon. That it makes her uncomfortable that a large amount of money is on a piece of paper. I told her that made sense.

Then she asked "You doing ok?" I replied that I was good. I asked how she was. She said good also. She talked about school a little bit (she's a teacher). I kept my answers short and sweet. I really wanted to end the conversation first, but she always beats me to it. It's kinda hard when we are in the middle of something and then she is like "got to go".

I'm glad the conversation went well. Seems the anger from our last interaction (the hickey incident) dissipated.

It didn't stop me from crying afterwards. As much as I'm thankful that w was being pleasant vs. angry, interaction is still very hard for me. To know that she watches my FB, ask how I'm doing, and talk so freely about all the stuff we used to in regards to work yet doesn't make a commitment to be in my life at all is hard to swallow. Honestly, the fact that she cares a little but not enough.. still breaks my heart.

After the sadness, came the anger. The anger that I asked her to do so many things and she always procrastinated... but this.. "she have the list to me by Monday".

Those feelings didn't stay long though either. After all, I said I just wanted her to be kind to me throughout this process. Yesterday that happened. So I need to remember the positive there.

Everything else are just feelings and that's ok too. Eventually I was able to see that this too is difficult for her. To speculate - I'm sure she cares, but this is just too hard. To much of an effort. Once the D is final, the pain is over and she can move on. No more dealing with me, or us. She can truly focus on her and her life.

I still will continue to be on my timeline. Honestly, I'm very emotional still.. so I'm not sure how to keep them in check during the mediation. I handled it well, but there were plenty of times where I wanted to say "I know you want to handle this fast, but I need time". Which that's true, but I knew I feeling defensive, hurt, and controlled. And that was all in a 15 minute conversation.

Last night I tried a new line dancing place. Today is church and basketball. Life isn't bad, it's just not what I expected it to be.

I will just keep on keeping on.


M(f): 40
D'ed: 8/12

Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.

Love at all costs because you are loved well.
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