Did a little backsliding yesterday. My wife brought up something she was unhappy about, and instead of just listening/validating I really felt compelled to defend myself a little bit. Couldn't resist. I feel like I've been superhuman in my ability to just shut up and listen, but every now and then she'll say something and I'll feel like "Hmmm...this really demands a response." She clearly didn't like it...but later on ultimately admitted that's it's a little unreasonable and unrealistic to expect that I'm never going to have anything to say in response or will always bite my tongue. So, ultimately it doesn't seem like it ended up being to big of a transgression.
Another good sign, I think: She mentioned that she had been thinking a lot about her wedding ring, and whether or not she should put it back on, and came to the conclusion that she's feeling more and more like she wants to start wearing it again, but that she wants to get a new/different ring to symbolize that we would be starting a "new" marriage. I can live with that. I told her whenever she felt comfortable and was ready, I would like to see the rings she's been looking at.
We've also been given an opportunity to rent our house for another year since I wasn't able to tell the owner if we were prepared to buy it yet (she's kind of getting the idea of what's been going on with my wife and me). I told my wife I intended to renew the lease no matter what, and my wife said she wanted to as well. Later, she told me that in case I was too dense to figure it out, the fact that she was willing to renew the lease with me was a big sign that she was feeling better about our ability to turn things around.
H: 41 W: 35 M: 9 years T: 10 years S: 9 D: 7 ILYBINILWY & "I want a divorce": 6/22/2011 Piecing: 10/2011 Still going strong as of 4/2013
I don't know if we're "piecing" yet... In fact, despite the good signs and positive movement, I feel like we might be in a very precarious place. My wife has said some great things--that she wants to renew our lease together, and has been thinking about putting her ring back on and getting a new one to symbolize a new beginning. But there's still a lot missing from our relationship right now. The physical affection is almost nil...and I don't just mean the absence of sex. We hug, but there is no kissing. She readily accepts and often asks for massages, but doesn't return the favor. And we don't tell each other "I love you" still (I, of course, am waiting for her to start saying it again before I do). This is in stark contrast to how things were right up until she dropped the bomb. Our relationship was filled with touching, kissing, physical affection both sexual and non-sexual, and we said "I love you" at least once a day. I need to see these things return at least in some small measure, not necessarily as much as before, before I start getting confident that things are heading toward stable ground. I try to remind myself that even with the positive movement, she is probably still dealing with a lot of latent anger and resentment. Those walls are still up. I'm wondering if and kind of assuming that my best tact is to continue letting her come to me. No pressure from me for her to move any faster than she's ready to or show me any more affection than she's prepared to...
Found a new GAL activity this weekend though (really trying to stick to the GAL now and in the future). I took the kids to the local swim center/indoor pool, and 45 minutes of swimming laps really did my mind and body good. Think I'm going to try to work that in at least once a week to round out my exercise regimen.
H: 41 W: 35 M: 9 years T: 10 years S: 9 D: 7 ILYBINILWY & "I want a divorce": 6/22/2011 Piecing: 10/2011 Still going strong as of 4/2013
Then start feeling like she owes you some affection for your to start feeling like you are back on stable ground. Believe me it's an easy trap to get into. You have to remind yourself every day.
Instead of looking at what is missing - the kissing,ML, the ILYs.
Focus on what she is saying. Are you listening?
The physical affection is important. But maybe not right now. It will come and you want your W to genuinely feel like she wants to.
Don't take the fact that she is not doing those as signs of anything.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
Then start feeling like she owes you some affection for your to start feeling like you are back on stable ground. Believe me it's an easy trap to get into. You have to remind yourself every day.
Instead of looking at what is missing - the kissing,ML, the ILYs.
Focus on what she is saying. Are you listening?
The physical affection is important. But maybe not right now. It will come and you want your W to genuinely feel like she wants to.
Don't take the fact that she is not doing those as signs of anything.
Hey... thanks for the reality check. Sincerely appreciate it.
H: 41 W: 35 M: 9 years T: 10 years S: 9 D: 7 ILYBINILWY & "I want a divorce": 6/22/2011 Piecing: 10/2011 Still going strong as of 4/2013
Wife has been pretty sick for the past 3 or 4 days. It's given me a good opportunity to take care of her, take care of the kids, and take care of the house on my own, all with a smile on my face and in good spirits. While I was making dinner last night, my wife brought up the things she'd like to do around the house in the coming months and then said "By the way, I want you to know I'm feeling really good about the decision to stay together and renew the lease for another year. Buying the place would be even better..."
Steps in the right direction.
H: 41 W: 35 M: 9 years T: 10 years S: 9 D: 7 ILYBINILWY & "I want a divorce": 6/22/2011 Piecing: 10/2011 Still going strong as of 4/2013
Well...maybe the Powers That Be decided I was a little to glib about getting to play hero while my wife was sick. Thursday night I got a call from her boss saying she had collapsed and passed out at work and was taken to the hospital via ambulance. After 24 hours in the ER she was admitted to the hospital with a nasty case of pneumonia. She's finally home now, but that was kind of a scary experience.
Since I'm looking for the silver lining, while in the ER my wife thanked me for being there for her and told me she loved me. Since being discharged from the hospital and returning home I've been getting a lot of affection from her, and last night she told me that she told her mom, sister, and best friend that things really seem to be turning around for us. She also called me at work this morning to tell me she missed and loved me and that she thinks she's found the new wedding ring she wants.
This is all great news of course (minus the pneumonia obviously!), but I think what I need to bear in mind is that DB'ing is just as--if not more--imporant now that things are improving than it was when things were spiraling down the toilet. Definitely don't want to end up in a place where divorce seems inevitable ever again.
H: 41 W: 35 M: 9 years T: 10 years S: 9 D: 7 ILYBINILWY & "I want a divorce": 6/22/2011 Piecing: 10/2011 Still going strong as of 4/2013
Well, with the help of the DB/DR books, this website/forum and the people kind enough to post and comment, and the advice of my father-in-law, I think I've come d@mn close to saving my marriage. I'm not dumb enough to think I can now rest on my laurels, but things are going well, my wife tells me she loves me and that if things continue the way they have been recently than we can make this marriage work.
Just wanted to post to let people know that there is hope. Not every marriage can be salvaged, but for the ones in which it isn't too late, DB'ing works. My best advice is to back off, focus on you and being the best person you can be, and let your spouse know that as much as you disagree with their decision to leave, you will be ok if they decide to go. Someone who has told you they're done and want out of the marriage doesn't want you to beg them to stay or trying to control what they do. In fact, one of the few things that might make them reconsider their decision is seeing you be strong enough to survive and thrive without them. Back off. Let them do what they're going to do. If you're at the point where you're here on this forum, then you're also at the point where the only thing that's probably going to save your marriage is taking the focus off your spouse, off of your marriage, and working on you.
Be a person that only a fool would leave.
Be healthy, be strong, be confident, be pleasant, be calm.
Fake it 'til you make it if you have to.
H: 41 W: 35 M: 9 years T: 10 years S: 9 D: 7 ILYBINILWY & "I want a divorce": 6/22/2011 Piecing: 10/2011 Still going strong as of 4/2013
