We pass onto them all that we have learned. I have watched my S embrace these things much easier than I did. I have watched him integrate them into his person, as he passes through adolescense into adulthood.
Cat, We sure do pass on what we have learned!!!!
I just had an occassion where my D14 made me a card instead of going to the store and buying one.......I love these BTW.....priceless.
Anyway, here is an excerpt from the the page she wrote me.
.....I know we(D14 & S11) annoy you and fight with you argue, and don't listen but I want you to know that I hear every word you say to me, even though I don't like it, I take it to heart. Your advice has helped me and many others get through the days......
They do learn, and I can say I have seen my D14 use some DB principles herself with her friends and she sees that it works!!!
I am hoping that she will continue to learn and grow so that it does not take some sort of tragedy or great loss to teach her those lessons we all have learned the "hard way".
Hope your trip went well
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
As Trusting says, nothing makes us Mommas madder than when we see our children hurt. And when that someone that hurts them is the last person you should expect! Yeesh! I am so glad you and your daughter had a wonderful time. Her Dad is the loser here, in so many ways.
While at a party last night a friend of mine who happens to be related to H, told me that she saw H's XW. The XW has supposedly been talking frequently to H, via FB (She is not the ow)
Apparently the topic came up as to why H hasn't proceeded with the D since he filed last Dec.
His answer, according to XW, was because I had put him so far in debt he could not afford to D me. This is NOT true. During our M, most of our debt was kept separate. When H left I took steps to take care of my debt. Granted, I could have saddled H with half of it, but that was something I would not do. My debt now consists of me putting in a much needed boiler in my house.
I'm holding off sending H an email slamming him for his lies until I get opinions. The truth is that when H found out how much it was going to cost in C/S and spousal support he stopped pursuing the D.
He has been paying C/S right along, but it is not as much as he should be paying. In Feb, of this year he started paying the utilities on my place after not helping out for over a year with anything. This was his choice and not something I asked of him. He definitely does not want to pay spousal support.
I'm very upset by what he has chosen to say. It's like being betrayed all over again. I've worked very hard to step up and take care of things, leaving H alone to travel his path.
This is the email I'd like to send him:
Can I ask why you are telling people that the reason you haven't proceeded with the divorce is because I ran up so much debt that you can't afford to? You left, you filed. You got the life you wanted. Why must you continue to blame me and spread lies? I asked for none of this and I don't deserve the things you have been saying.
I'm done. I'll take on half of the debt he accrued during the M, but do not want to have to pay for his truck and motorcycle that he acquired since he left, nor the expensive gifts he's given and vacations he's gone on with ow. I'm willing to let him keep them even though he spent marital assets in getting them. I'm going to ask him to send a list of his proposals to his L to send to mine. I'll agree to what my L deems OK and let the judge figure out the rest.
I must add that H has taken a 'promotion' at work. He is now considered an engineer. Along with this promotion comes a pay cut because he is considered management and is no longer paid for his OT like he used to be as an electrician. So, his base salary is more but his paycheck is less. I figure his game plan with this is so he doesn't have to pay out as much in C/S and spousal support. My L told me that many have tried something like this and were in for a shock because he said they will go back to years past to prove the kind of income he had versus what he now gets.
I want to point out that I'm not about taking him to the cleaners. The kids and I are living on a fourth of what H and I were making before he left. When the D goes through it will be well less than half of what we lived on with H present. This isn't even forever for him. Just a few more years for D19 while she attends college. C/S will be a while more for D13 and spousal support will last for 9 years for me. Then he's done.
What do you all think of the email I'd like to send? PS - I'd say it to him face to face, but he refuses to see me one on one.
SA I am extremely confused by this bit of history. Presumably XW was the wife your h had before you? But without knowing the circumstances of their separation and divorce it is hard to assess the truth of what the XW might be saying. She may not feel well disposed towards you, even if she left your h.
I would hold off sending any emails - it may not be true. If it is true, I wouldn't send that email. What will it achieve, except to put your h on the defensive, and MLcers are not at their best when on the defensive!!
Seeking, I agree with Beatrice. Please don't send the email. You don't know if the XW is trying to stir the pot and your xh may not have said anything to her. Besides, what business is it of hers?
I know that these types of comments hurt, but do not respond/react to them. Sit quietly and the truth shall be revealed when you least expect it.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Can't answer for SA, but being unjustly accused tends to hit a nerve with me. Am I unusual in this? We struggle to be fair, and try to be fair, and then get accused of being unfair.
A little background. I met my H at work, in fact he still works there. He pursued me even though at first I didn't give him the time of day.
I learned that he had 2 young children and was in the final stage of his D. (It just had to be paid for) We were friends and one day he came to me with reports that his XW was leaving his 2 boys home alone. (3 and 5) CPS had been called in. H took full custody of his boys. That's when I first started to fall in love with him.
We were married about a year later and the door was always open for visitation with the boys' mother. She and I had decided early on that we would get along for the kid's sakes and we did.
H and XW divorce was very much about money. She was a SAHM for most of their marriage and H worked 3rd shift. He handed her money to pay mortgage and bills. He came home one day and got the mail before XW. In it was a foreclosure statement on their house from the bank for non payment of mortgage. Anyway, H could not figure out what she was spending the money on as there was no evidence of anything for herself or the boys. He had some suspicions but never did figure it out for sure. Of course there were other problems as well. One time after we were married I was cleaning out behind H's shed (house he and X shared) and I found an old leather purse stuffed full of unopened bank statements. The amount that his X was spending behind H's back was staggering.
Snodderly, the debt sum that XW was talking to H's cousin was inflated a bit but in the ball park. I'm fairly sure it was true.
Anyway, he's using my debt that he had nothing to do with as far as taking care of it or affecting him as an excuse why he can't go forward with the D. It was none of his business or his XW's business either. Yet, it is spreading through my small town like wildfire. So yeah, WCW it hit a nerve.
