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Thanks Starsky309 I like withdrawal. The more withdrawal the better chance to get over her and move on.
I know MrBond but he will not go to C. that is just not going to happen.

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Then he is not committed. To try is to do everything you can to make it work. He is still letting his selfish side take over. So I would suggest that you stop being so available to him. Go out and make the most out of your life. You know his "commitment" isn't going to last. Prepare yourself for it.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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You are saying unless he goes to C he is not commited at all and this will never work? How can that be? My C says that a lot of guys do not go to C. It is normal. I know that H is selfish but I thought with DBing that I would be able to turn him around and we could finally work on our issues and he would work on his once he is at the place to commit. I read other people situations and some seem even worse then mine where their Hs are still with OW. Mine is not. Mine is at home with me, just not all there emotionally yet. Am I completly wrong about this?

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I would never say never, but the odds are stacked against you.

Let me put it to you this way. He had an A before. He never got to the root of why he did it. So you ignore the problem. He has an A again. He still doesn't "know" why he did it. It will happen again unless he figures this out.

"unless he goes to C he is not commited at all"

What does commitment mean in terms of M? It means that you do whatever it takes to heal and grow with your partner. If you want to go to C together, he needs to respect it and go because it's not about him anymore. It's about you two. Once he starts putting your needs ahead of his, like when you were first dating, then he will be committed.

"but I thought with DBing that I would be able to turn him around and we could finally work on our issues and he would work on his once he is at the place to commit"

DBing does turn around the spouse. But it doesn't get to the root of the problem of what caused the problems in the first place. You've learned how you could make the M better, but what about him? From what I've read in your sitch, his ignoring the issue is him trying. That's not trying.

"Mine is not."
He still sees her, correct? If you were to read the situations that survived when there is an A, you will see that they cut off ALL contact with the OP. Some people switched jobs and some even moved away. They put the needs of the LBS first. Those are the ones that survive.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Originally Posted By: MrBond


"Mine is not."
He still sees her, correct? If you were to read the situations that survived when there is an A, you will see that they cut off ALL contact with the OP. Some people switched jobs and some even moved away. They put the needs of the LBS first. Those are the ones that survive.


After studying literally thousands of these situations, I would agree with this as well. "Separate the addict from the source of their addiction" is the first order of business, if you are to succeed.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Quote:
If you were to read the situations that survived when there is an A, you will see that they cut off ALL contact with the OP. Some people switched jobs and some even moved away. They put the needs of the LBS first. Those are the ones that survive.



I couldn't agree with this more. If my H hadn't done this we would never have survived. My lack of confidence and ability to trust would have killed any chance, even if there had been an outside possibility my H was able to work with, but not be involved with, his previous A partner. I just don't see that as possible.


Saffie
me 46
H 46
M in 1986
D20,D18,S16,D13
H's A 01/05 to 07/06
H recommitted to M 07/06
renewed vows 09/06
Going from strength to strength
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Originally Posted By: Mustworknow
You are saying unless he goes to C he is not commited at all and this will never work? How can that be? My C says that a lot of guys do not go to C. It is normal. I know that H is selfish but I thought with DBing that I would be able to turn him around and we could finally work on our issues and he would work on his once he is at the place to commit. I read other people situations and some seem even worse then mine where their Hs are still with OW. Mine is not. Mine is at home with me, just not all there emotionally yet. Am I completly wrong about this?


I understand how you feel since you have seen other situations that appear worse AND your h is still at home.

But DBIng is NOT about you changing HIM...it's about you changing YOU. Please please, get that.

When you see this, it'll be a start.

IDK why he won't go to c unless he doesn't feel like hearing that an affair was wrong

and that it cannot continue.

What is it that he is doing DIFFERENTLY THAN BEFORE that makes you think he won't cheat again, given that this isn't the first time

and he won't go to c??? Will he stop all contact with OW?

So...what WILL he do to regain your trust? (Other than words I mean...)

your answers might be right in front of you....

Sorry


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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He has stopped all direct contact with OW. They work in the same squadron. He does not work side by side with her. His postion requires that he sometimes has contact with her but it is not often and never alone. It is only work related. But he does see her on a daily basis at work since they are in the same building. He does not seek her out.
I have been DBing and changing me. He will not go to C because he does not want a stanger involved in his buiness and telling him what he has done wrong or right. He is very private. he does not want to analized at all.
I do not know right now what he is willing to do to regain my trust. He is still not sure what he wants. he is still up and down. Last night he was down and even left for the night to go to a hotel to think. I am hoping he comes back tonight. Last week all week he was possitive and upbeat about our future so I do not know what happened. He is only 37 but could he be having an early MLC?

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Originally Posted By: Mustworknow
He will not go to C because he does not want a stanger involved in his buiness and telling him what he has done wrong or right. He is very private. he does not want to analized at all.
I do not know right now what he is willing to do to regain my trust. He is still not sure what he wants. he is still up and down. Last night he was down and even left for the night to go to a hotel to think.



Maybe I'm missing something here. Why does your husband control all of the cards here? confused

If it were me, this "going to the hotel to think" thing would happen precisely ONCE, at which point I would start making some of my OWN decisions. mad


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Are you sure he went to be "alone"? Just asking.

Did he ever figure out why he had an A the first time? He's probably in that same place in his head. Unless he actually goes to C or reads about what might be going on, like coming onto a site like DB, he's going to stay in a down mood and the only way he's going to see out of it is to D you. It's like when a person digs a hole for themselves, when they don't look for help and just try to figure things out in their own head, they stay in the hole.

He thought he could things on his own before and look what that did.

His not willing to do anything for YOU shows his lack of commitment. And I'm not talking about cosmetic stuff. He has to do a real heart to heart and say how he's wronged you and would do anything to regain your trust. That's what he's broken. Your trust. He doesn't get that.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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