25MLC, I'm working on every imperfection you've identified except the sexual one. I lack courage and faith with that one. I've made progress with every imperfection you've identified over the years, so I think your impression of me is appoximate but not complete.
I am working on the ideal of unconditional love, but obviously fail daily. I'm hoping going to church will help me with this. I think I used to be the other spouses you described, which contributed to my marital problems.
CL
Wow CL, you are still really truly vague...
so let me guess. Performance anxiety, & "sex issues", mixed in with not wanting to hurt her feelings or feel inadequate?
There are treatments available for this. Talk to your doctor, and get it done.
It's an essential element of marriage that only the marriage partner can fulfill (as opposed to social or intellectual needs)
and denying it to her is just NOT okay...
it's huge. Why or how church would help you with this issue, escapes me.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
MLC, I didn't realize I was coming across as judgmental. I'll need to take another look in the mirror with this. I have returned to church, because it calls me, and I miss it. I can't seek God completely on my own. I have been all of the misguided spouses you've described at one time, and still slip. The difference now is that I choose today to be the spouse who strives for love, even though I fail often and daily.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
MLC, The problem isn't a physical one requiring medication. You are right that there are performance issues plus fears of failure. This has been a longstanding issue. I think early on it related to both of us being unhappy in the M. The separation created another layer of problems. The sleeping elsewhere created another layer of problems. Piecing has occured for the last two years. We tried sex therapy twice. My W was insulted that we had to see a therapist. I was the problem in her eyes. There's a long history of failure here.
Reinventing the M, and starting over is where we've been for the past two years. It truly is a piecing process.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
My W and I had a night out on the town with friends. My W managed to get intoxicated again, but I did my best to go with the flow. The couple my W and I went out with our similar to us, as one is a free spirit and the other not so much.
When we got home my W climbed into bed and wanted sex. I decided I better make it my best effort, or else squander the opportunity. I managed to have an erection, but could not get to the state of arousal needed. She laid there without any response. I could have used some help. I told her that I needed to keep trying to get more comfortable. She called me a coward. I held her, and she pushed me away.
She is talking to me this morning. I plan to buy some condoms, to be ready for the next time. There will need to be a next time and a time after that and so on. It's time to move thru this issue. I think after two years of Piecing, I think it can be different this time around.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I can guarantee you, that there is nothing more non-erotic than a man who can not lead and devour a woman in bed.
You're wife isn't going to take any initiative, until you demonstrate what the initiative looks like.
You need to get rid of your own hang-ups and insecurities, take control of your masculine sexuality, own it, put it on, suit up in it - and then lovingly, kindly, but firmly and with purpose, DO HER.
And you must do her first! You told her you needed some help? Goodness me. Read up on the differences between men and women’s sexuality. I can promise you, after a long luxurious love play, after you’ve pleasured and loved her, she’s going to dying to return the intimacy.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
I can guarantee you, that there is nothing more non-erotic than a man who can not lead and devour a woman in bed.
You need to get rid of your own hang-ups and insecurities, take control of your masculine sexuality, own it, put it on, suit up in it - and then lovingly, kindly, but firmly and with purpose, DO HER.
Starsky and Walking,
I'll have to think about how to approach this. This would be a 180 for me. I'm so much in my head around the sexual issue, which of course, is counterproductive.
I changed my thread title to CL Seeks God, because I think it represents the path of opening-up, flowing with life, connection, being in love with life and others, being pure and genuine, spontaneous, creative, attuned to our bodies, sensual. My hang-up with sex is one symptom of a larger problem. My focus on our marital problems and history is maybe looking in the wrong place. I need to once again look in the mirror, and make some changes, and stop blaming my wife.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I lack the capability to be subtle so please consider this a 1x2 as opposed do a 2x4.
For more than a year we have been telling you, have sex with your wife and the majority of your problems will resolve themselves. This latest example was your wife being crushed because you won't have sex with her. All her behavior is her acting out because she feels unwanted. You won't take care of business and it's led to her seeking others to take care of business for you. You've researched around it, danced around it, now apparently are going to pray around it. You've avoided dealing head on with the main issue for the 4 years (or more) that I've been with you.
Woman and sex, sell corvettes, hair plugs, start wars, inspire poetry. Haven't you seen the TV commercial? It's the most powerful force on earth. When a guy won't make love to a woman, she comes absolutely undone. It's like Superman jumping off a roof only to learn his powers have abandoned him. It hurts.
No one is pulling harder for you than me, I promise. Really, though, tell us, that deep down you don't know you are avoiding the real issue at hand.
If you want to read a book. Have you read Passionate Marriage. I think that might really appeal to your analytical side and fairly directly address your situation.
You were SO close. With one decisive, manly act, you could have put your marriage back on track. Not solved everything. but I bet made 2 years dancing lessons worth of progress in 30 minutes.
I am going to be uber blunt here now. If you find yourself in a similar situation, why not give her oral sex? Honey, I'm not quite ready for intercourse yet but let me take care of you...or better yet just do it. At least she won't be wondering what's wrong with her. I could use some help, could sound to her like, "Your not appealing enough for me to get it up."
As always, good luck
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
I'm so much in my head around the sexual issue, which of course, is counterproductive.
You got it brother. Completely counterproductive.
You talk a lot about masculine and feminine energy – but I think it’s all academic for you – certainly in your writing and musings but you equate those energies to activities you enjoy or things you like- not ENERGY and the feelings and capacity that energy creates in our own bodies and hearts.
CL do you get horney? Do you feel attracted to women? Is being more sexual something you want for yourself? Or is it just about the marriage?
This may be confronting for you, but you could consider looking for some good quality couples porn. Watch it alone at first for tips and strategies (and maybe even to get more comfortable or interested in sex and sexuality for yourself) and you could share it with your wife when you become comfortable with the act of sex. If it’s respectful and intimate – and there’s plenty of that stuff around - it may (probably will) help arouse her as a part of foreplay too.
I cannot stress enough how important it is for you to give your wife sexual pleasure and for her to know that you desire her for her to admire and remain committed to you and it might be helpful for you to do some pretty explicit research on that. I notice someone mentioned Passionate Marriage as a good start. It is a good book, but it’s pretty heavy going – there’s lots of other couples literature, videos and information around – and with respect, it sounds like you could brush up on your sexual education.
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I'm so much in my head around the sexual issue, which of course, is counterproductive.
I need to once again look in the mirror, and make some changes, and stop blaming my wife.
I would also make the point, that to remain in a marriage, without respecting and investing in your obligations to all aspects of it, including your wife’s innate human right to intimacy within that covenant, seems selfish and very, very cold.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
