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"I think she drinks too much. "

Then it's something you should discuss with her. "Honey, I care for you very much and I'm worried that you may be overdoing it."


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
MrBond #2200403 11/22/11 12:01 AM
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Quote:
If you're friends with us and we go out drinking, you may see my W intoxicated--friends would have to accept that.
Doesn't everyone from time to time? I think friends would accept that. When people go out drinking, being intoxicated is a probably and common outcome.

If it happens all the time, you might express concern for her health and safety.

I would be careful not to make what others think about her drinking you problem. Her drinking is her issue. If people are turned off by that, that is not about you. As long as she doesn't start trouble that you have to extricate her from, what others think about her drinking is between them and her.

I'm not scolding you but sort of seeing a pattern. Perhaps you are easily flustered or put out of sorts and maybe need to relax a bit. Not sure but it is food for thought.


Me 44 She 46
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Originally Posted By: DownNotOut...yet
Doesn't everyone from time to time? I think friends would accept that. When people go out drinking, being intoxicated is a probably and common outcome.

If it happens all the time, you might express concern for her health and safety.

I would be careful not to make what others think about her drinking you problem.

Perhaps you are easily flustered or put out of sorts and maybe need to relax a bit.


It makes sense to give folks latitiude if one is out at a pub drinking. It doesn't happen that often that she gets intoxicated in public. I do need to not worry about what people think of her. People are going to like or dislike her or me or us for reasons beyond my control. People do like her. I'm the one who is perceived as stiff and needs to relax

CL.

CL


CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

----Tao Te Ching
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We had a nice Thanksgiving. I drove my W to her sister's where her neices and nephews were home from college and her brother and family were in town from Georgia. She had a wonderful time and didn't want it to end. I entertained myself by playing board games with the teenagers. My W lights up when she is with her family.

CL


CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

----Tao Te Ching
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My W was complaining to me yesterday that we don't practice together enough. I felt myself inwardly getting defensive, but held my tongue. We've been going regularly lately to a weekly ballroom venue to practice all of our dances. She doesn't think I'm progressing quickly enough and was hinting that my bi-weekly private lessons are a waste of time. She also was complaining that I don't retain enough of the moves we learn in classes. I've been encouraging her to stay weekly after class at our studio, but she always seems to be in a hurry to get it over with. We used to practice at our fitness center after class, but she hasn't been going lately.

The solution is that I'm going to start asking her to practice more often at home. This should be helpful. I currently practice mostly on my own, and then try to do the steps when we dance in public. This works with the easier steps, but not the more difficult ones. I also have a hard time keeping up with all the material. I'll ask her when we get home from class, or evenings after work when there are no plans.

CL


CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

----Tao Te Ching
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Quote:
My W lights up when she is with her family.
What do you think she might get from those interactions that makes her light up? Perhaps some observation of what is going on that makes her so happy may be useful...For example; I am from a very quiet family. We do, as opposed to talking. My wife, on the other hand is from a very boisterous Hispanic family, the yapping never ends. I have to make a conscious effort to make sure I hang out in the kitchen and talk (ad nauseum in my opinion). This is a love language for her. Without it she withers, or becomes hurt/angry and feels I don't care about her or the family. This is not natural and has been difficult to learn but it makes a big difference to her.

What your wife gets from her family interaction is likely very deeply rooted, powerful and soothing, so deeply that she doesn't even realize it. You however, recognize it makes her very happy. Perhaps if you can identify and make an effort to provide some of whatever it is she gets from those interactions, it may serve the relationship well.


Me 44 She 46
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Originally Posted By: DownNotOut...yet
What do you think she might get from those interactions that makes her light up? Perhaps some observation of what is going on that makes her so happy may be useful.

Perhaps if you can identify and make an effort to provide some of whatever it is she gets from those interactions, it may serve the relationship well.


She enjoys the feeling of belonging. The conversation is light, polite, and friendly. Her family is religious, family-oriented, and genuine. I find it a bit boring, though they are lovely people. My family is more intellectual, opinionated, and likes to argue politics and current events. I have to turn my family traits off around my W, and get those interests met elsewhere.

CL


CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

----Tao Te Ching
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I asked my W to practice dancing during the week. We had not practiced at home for some time. She doesn't want to practice at the studio after class, or at the fitness center, but she does want to practice. She wanted to see that the investment towards my private lessons was paying off. After the session, she noted that she had seen improvement. I don't mind accountability. It's better to practice the new material at home, so there is some polish when we're on a public dance floor.

We're off to Puerto Rico this week for ten days. It will be our first trip since September 2010. I think she would like to travel as part of a group. One dance couple in our group like to take dance cruises--I have a feeling we're going on one next year. We fussed a lot on our last trip. She failed to speak up about her needs and was upset with me when we didn't do what she wanted to do enough. I hope by adding a few extra days this trip, we can solve that problem.

CL


CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

----Tao Te Ching
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,778
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My W commented the other day how proud she is of my dancing. A year she would leave ballroom dances frustrated because I knew only a fraction of the dances. I now can dance in almost every style--Foxtrot, Waltz, Salsa/Mambo, Bolero, Samba, Cha Cha, Tango. Quickstep and Vienese Waltz are on the list. We also have a studio we have called home for two years, and continue to deepen friendships. Our R is much better than it was on our last trip over a year ago.

The struggle with Piecing for me is wrestling with the old patterns that got me in trouble in the first place. "Buying the devil a drink" means facing my doubts, fears, and bad habits head on with an attitude of friendliness.

CL


CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

----Tao Te Ching
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Glad to hear it, CL! grin


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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