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#2171734 07/27/11 11:35 AM
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Well she finally talked to me last night openly and told me she was tired and after 3 months of trying , during which I caught her in an emptional affair, that she loves me but not as she should. She is tired and doesn't want to try and has given up. After some discussion and stupidly trying to convince otherwise(mistake I know)I went to my bedroom which is next to my sons. He asked what was wrong and I suggested he go give his mom a hug and that she needed one. He is 12 by the way. He came back and looked upset I asked what happened and he said that she told him that she doesn't love me. The woman I married would have never done this, I was floored. I went back to her room and suggested she do alot of praying and went back to my room to pray. She believes in God and has basically interpreted the bible in the way that justifies her feelings. Also the day I caught her in the emotional affair 2 months ago she was telling me she thought we were going to be alright, several times that day. Talk about confused. Would love to hear advise on this. Really hurt after last night, again. Been trying to do tlr. Thinking maybe dark would be better. Would move out but I promised my son I wouldn't give up or leave. Tough spot and very frustrated

Lvmywife #2172003 07/28/11 04:44 AM
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Sorry to hear that you had an R talk and it went poorly... that's usually to be expected.

I am not sure if you mentioned that you were planning to have an R talk. Was that something that was initiated by you? And if so, why?

Have you read the DR book? I will have to look back in your other posts to see if you posted more specifics about your sitch.

Having your sitch information in your profile (like in my sig, below) is helpful so that we can get an idea of ages, how long married and together, kids, and when any specific bombs occured

This is a process of working on YOU since you cannot change your W. You can only become a better person and hope that it will help save your M...

What are you doing for GAL? And have you thought of any 180s that might be useful in your sitch?

~ kd ~ #2172017 07/28/11 06:33 AM
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Sorry has been a while since I posted anything. I'm 42 and she is 41. And no it was not a planned talk. I found her sitting on the bed in the dark at bedtime with tears in her eyes. I spoke up and asked if she was ok and said if she needed to talk that I was there and that for the sake of our son we needed to be able to communicate. Its a shame she couldn't talk like she did with something positive to say, this whole ordeal could be alot different. The whole thing is that she has never in the 22 yrs we have been married, ever really talked to me and now that she will it's all bad. Ive read DR about a 6 wks ago and have done a couple of 180s and have gotten some positive responses until last night. Ive been slowlybut surely doing the GAL. It's very hard because my whole life revolved around being at home with her and my son every evening. I sleep in the other bedroom to give her space and I stay very positive whenever I'm around her. Lime the book says she is not the person I know at all. I'm everything that makes her unhappy. She cares about nothing but herself right now and won't go to C. To her I'm the only thing holding her back from being happy. Go figure?

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I'm not sure the the traditional advice is good for you, Lv. I think a DB coach could really help you BEST.

A woman that hasn't talked a lot about her heart in 22 years isn't the norm. UNLESS, her side is a completely different story, but it's not feeling that way from your posts read. I'm not sure you can get your BEST advice on the board.

We care about you, we can support you, we can try to help you detect solutions here. I think you need the best of the professionals, and I promise you Michele is the BEST and her coaches are next. They are truly great. They ALL have the necessary degrees, they ALL have a commitment to marriage, they ALL have many years of experience, they ALL have long-term marriages, and they ALL have been trained and approved by Michele. Literally thousands of people have tried to become DB coaches. Michele chooses very few.

I think YOU need Michele or a coach.


Hang in there. We are here to support you.


dbmod
dbmod #2172254 07/29/11 01:16 AM
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Thanks for the advise. From all the info I've read I realized right after this started that she and I are somewhat in reversed roles. I have not picked up a book or read an article yet that said the woman was the one that didn't want to talk about her feelings. In our R it's this way, but in her defense she says she has never felt she could talk to me. And to keep with what I'm saying, I openly and easily can tell you how I feel and I'm not at all bashful a out it. At one time I think we did have a very real closeness or connection, but as a typical man, I don't really know where it went, and didn't realize it was gone until almost if not to late. I have another DB coaching appt tomorrow and I need it. I need a 2 or 3 hour one I think. This has been very difficult as any of you know, but being non typical has not helped. Thanks for all of you on here. I'm so thankful for all of you will to share your experiences. It feels good to know I'm not the only on who loves my spouse enough to work or suffer through this to better ourselves and our marriages

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Don't knowhow to react. She told me today that she didn't like the example we were setting for our son sleeping in seperate bedrooms, but the fact we are not sleeping in the same room didn't bother her a bit. I told her I understood but being in separate rooms is still better than being S or D for our son as long as we are not fighting. Told if she wanted to move out I would make it as easy as possible and help and the door would always be open for her. She seems like her mind is really made up about D. Trying to stay the course but it is really hard. For the most part we still get along really well and do thing s together with our son, although I don't know how much longer it will last. Just having a hard time. Please give advise

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Discouraging weekend. Although my W is nice and acts caring and we are still doing things together as a family, she still says she want a D. We had a very calm to dicussion while at the lake this weekend and she told me she would always make sure I am taken care of no matter what, she is the bread winner. She even said she would make sure I had retirement. This is what scares me so much, she was talking so calm, and her mind seems so made up and she is very convincing. But then like yesterday we were at a family gathering and she made it a point to sit next to me when she didnt have to, even after I had gotten up to do something and then sat down on the other side of the room. This was yesterday evening, after church yesterday she asked if I wanted to go to town and get some lunch and bday present for our nephew. As convincing as she can be I still get confused by her actions. Go figure. Would love to hear some comments on this


Married 22yrs
lv u but dont lv u
W 41
myself 42
S 12

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I just want to echo dbmod's comment above. You might want to consider a db coach.

While us on the board have been through a lot of this and so have the life experience and variety of training, it could very well be that your W has some much deeper issues that she needs to work with.

Has your W talked to your priest / pastor? Or has she considered a therapist / counselor?

If you have the DR book, I'd recommend reading the part on LRT, beginning on p.124.

While LRT can work, there is the chance that NOTHING will change your W's mind.

What we are doing is simply focusing on US, the LBS, and growing through this time in order to rediscover who we are and become even better people with a bright future, even if D happens.

I can say that my sitch has pretty much been here from the moment I found the books and this board. My W had already made up her mind. Her so called "exit strategy" was to try to make things as pleasant as possible, pretending to still be a big, happy family, while in the mean time creating a dynamic within the home which was horribly uncomfortable for me. And when I finally realized how bad things were, my W basically had some plan to "buy me out" of the M with the apparent expectation that I would just cut my losses and move on, without putting up a "fight".

The difference between our sitches is, my W did not want to file D, nor even legally separate... bizarre really, but it appears to come down to the fact that she did not want to free up money to do so and also probably understood that her offer to have me leave, financially comfortable, would not be quite the same conclusion the courts would come to.

My W at this time, is actually trying to convince me to sign off on financials without due diligence so that I have no further recourse down the road. But more so, the sticking point with me is NOT the money, it's the kids... she is unwaivering in her desire to have sole custody of our kids and care of the kids around the 70/30 in her favour. This is absolutely unacceptable.

So it has taken me a long time to work on myself so that I have finally become emotionally stable and strong enough to say, "enough is enough".

In the end, trying to figure out why your W is resolute in her choice to D will drive you crazy. There will likely be no deep understanding of her position.

If you follow the LRT technique, and many here can support you through that, you will at least have the opportunity to fully appreciate your position in all of this, help you become the man you were when you got M, and become a better man that only a fool would leave.

Things like detaching and GAL is basically your best tools for the time being.

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Lvmywife, I agree with what's been said. I think your W has some very deep issues she cannot - or will not - face. Her reluctance to open up to you, to be open and vulnerable, has caused frustration within you, I suspect. You knew something was not right but couldn't put a name to it.

I say this because I am in the same situation. My W has issues from her childhood forward that she has stuffed down inside her, and has never done any work to look at them or leave them behind.

Nothing you can do right now, except reinvent yourself. I'm going to repost a reply to your first thread from Bworl; it is beautifully accurate:

"Everyone sees the title and comes running (I suppose that's what marketing is all about). Then you read the books. Then read them again. Then start REALLY thinking about them and digesting what they have to say...


...and you realize how much work there is in front of you

...and how little of it has to do with your wife

...or your marriage


Bad patterns of behavior can be let go for years and years, making us think that who we've become must not be all that bad.

Meanwhile our spouse is dying the death of a thousand small cuts that have them bleeding out what love they once had for us."


The work that you do from this minute forward has to be on your own self, your own issues, your own self-image, self-esteem and self-respect. And that is so opposite of what we think we should do; we think we need to "work on" or "save" our marriages.

No. We need to work on and save ourselves. And even then, odds are that our spouses will continue walking. That is the sad, painful truth. And we can't force them to stay, force them to love us, force them to think about us or to even feel any kind of caring toward us.

In the end, we will be better men & women, better parents, better friends and better partners for another chance at love that may or may not come. And we will know that we did all we could do to stand in the breach for our marriages.


H 56
W 48
D27,S21
SS25
SS22 Severely autistic
M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs.
"I've never loved you" 3/7/2011
Separated 8/7/2011
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