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A Message from Michele
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Re: Just discovered affair please help [Re: verycrazy] #2226660
03/02/12 01:20 PM
03/02/12 01:20 PM
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 885
I
inpain Offline OP
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inpain  Offline OP
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I
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 885
Phew! well it's been a long time, and I'm still dealing with all this and, well not really getting anywhere. I have been going to counselling on my own every week since my last post - H went on his own a couple of times and we've been together a few times too. H still sticks to the same story - he made all the stuff in the letter up. I haven't contacted OW again. I'm so stuck and now my Counsellor is just saying if I decide I want out I need to take my time and make sure I can financially "survive" it. I'm so confused. I have lately felt more loving feelings towards H but stop myself acting on them because of all the pain I feel still. I still think he is lying and had a PA as suggested in his letter and my problem is really that I feel that if he admitted it I could deal with it better and perhaps allow myself to be in love with him and be loved by him, but while ever I continue to think he has but not know for sure and think he's lying I don't think I can get past it and don't think I can stay with him. I have no friends, my family don't want to know as it's "our business" and I just don't know what to do. I think I want to be with him but not if he's lying - there's no way to know if he's lying and it is killing me, little by little, every day, my heart breaks all over again. Is it really possible to get back to a normal loving relationship again with doubt in your head or do they have to come clean/prove the truth for it to work??


M-43 H-42
S-11 D-7
T-19 yrs
M-15 yrs
Bombshell 9/17/15
Sep - 11/9/15
Re: Just discovered affair please help [Re: inpain] #2227909
03/06/12 02:15 AM
03/06/12 02:15 AM
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,567
somewhere out there...
V
verycrazy Offline
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V
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Posts: 1,567
somewhere out there...
Hi, ip, I decided to come here awhile ago to check on some people I hadn't heard from in a long time, and here you are. Sorry you are still dealing with this all. So, you feel H is still lying to you? Have you told him just what you wrote here? I don't know everything that went on with my H and ho, and my H says it was EA, but from correspondence between them I suspect and believe PA. I have had to just get past it, knowing I may never know the whole truth.

What are you doing to GAL, ip? You say you have no friends. Is there some hobby or activity you have always wanted to try, where like minded potential friends will be? You need something outside of H and children. Something that brings you personal satisfaction.

How is your H acting these days? Open and honest with you since the letter? Anything else happen?

signed, your friend, vc crazy

Re: Just discovered affair please help [Re: inpain] #2228187
03/06/12 09:04 PM
03/06/12 09:04 PM
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 342
Florida
PunkinsMom Offline
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PunkinsMom  Offline
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I'm so confused. I have lately felt more loving feelings towards H but stop myself acting on them because of all the pain I feel still. I still think he is lying and had a PA as suggested in his letter and my problem is really that I feel that if he admitted it I could deal with it better and perhaps allow myself to be in love with him and be loved by him, but while ever I continue to think he has but not know for sure and think he's lying I don't think I can get past it and don't think I can stay with him. I have no friends, my family don't want to know as it's "our business" and I just don't know what to do. I think I want to be with him but not if he's lying - there's no way to know if he's lying and it is killing me, little by little, every day, my heart breaks all over again. Is it really possible to get back to a normal loving relationship again with doubt in your head or do they have to come clean/prove the truth for it to work??



IP,
As you can see, I was here a LONG time ago. I don't even know what happened to my posts. Search says they are in success stories, but I can't find them! I still lurk, but rarely post. But, your post really resonated with me, as I went through the exact same thing. All sitches are different, but I can a least share what happened during the last 10 years of mine.

Got the LYBNILWY, I've never been happy, and I'm done speech in November 2001. Wallowed in it for several months and did ALL the DB no no's which just pushed him further away, then found this site in 2002. Got the books, and DB'd my behind off. Like many others, the minute that I learned how to detach and let go, H got scared and came running back.

That's the irony isn't it? As soon as we learn to let go, and stop the roller coaster, as soon as that pain in your gut finally quiets, and you can start eating and sleeping again, THAT'S when they get nervous and start noticing the changes we have made,LOL.

H never would admit his PA. He DID admit to an EA with a co-worker. I KNEW there was more to it, but he swore up and down that "nothing ever happened." Like you, I also had contact with the OW, who also said there was no PA. When H decided he wanted to end the A and save our M, he was "an open book." I was given the OK to ask any and every question, any time I felt the need. And boy did I. I needed to know every gory detail. I felt like I HAD too, in order to forgive and move on. This was in late 2002.

The problem was, that although he was being completely forthcoming (supposedly), and we were back to a loving marriage, I just could not shake the feeling that he was lying. This ate at me until 2005, when the built up anger and resentment got the best of me, and I asked him to leave. We were separated until the end of 2006.

Ultimately, I asked him to come back because the separation was just so hard on our S, who was 6 at the time. We were trading him back and forth across 3 states, and when he was with me, he missed his dad so much. When he was with H, he cried for me every night. It was destroying us. I realized that my inability to let go and forgive was hurting my son, hurting all of us. I still loved my H, but I also hated him for hurting me, and by gosh, I would NOT forgive him until he admitted the truth! BUT, finally I had to decide what was more important in the grand scheme of things. My hurt feelings and self-righteous indignation, or my sons needs. In the end, I realized that I owed it to my S to put my hurt and anger aside, and mostly my PRIDE, so that he could be with both of his parents.

So, he came home in 2006, and we are about to celebrate our 21st anniversary.

The irony here, is that after FINALLY letting go, I started having some medical issues in early 2011. I started having breakouts "down there" (so sorry guys!!!!) and just KNEW that sorry "I can't say it because it will just be censored" gave me herpes. I told H what was going on, and said "Look, I need to know once and for all, did you sleep with her? Because we BOTH know that she is a skank, and I think you have given me herpes. I know it's been 10 years, but herpes can be dormant for up to 20 years! Feelings be damned, this is my LIFE and health we are talking about now, so TELL THE TRUTH!!!!!!!!!!!! And he did.

H totally freaked out. The guilt that he might have given me the gift that keeps on giving, was too much for him to bear. He FINALLY, after 10 years, a 1 year separation, and swearing over and over and over, EVEN WHEN THINGS WERE 200% BETTER, that he had NEVER had a PA, admitted that he did indeed sleep with her once. You want to know what I felt after FINALLY hearing the truth? The truth, that I really already knew in my heart? Nothing.

It just didn't matter anymore. Like you, I also thought that I could never honestly move on until I heard the truth out of him. But in the end, I realized that once I made up my mind to forgive him, and that didn't matter if it was an EA or PA, it was NOT going to be a deal breaker in our marriage, the truth just didn't matter. It has made absolutely no difference in how I feel. I asked why he lied for 10 years. I said "I decided to forgive you in 2006, regardless of what might have really happened, so why didn't you just admit it then?" H said it was mainly his fear of how I might react. That I would throw him out. But most of all, he was just too ashamed to admit the truth. Admitting the PA would make it too real what H really was. It would prove that H was a horrible rotten person, and a lousy father. (his words, not mine).

For the record, it turned out that I had massive diabetes! When I was admitted, my blood sugar was 747, and my H1c was 15.3! (Normal is 90-120, and normal H1c is 6). Apparently it had been so high for so long, that by the time I was diagnosed, I already had nerve damage in my feet....still do. Not a nice feeling! The problems "down there" were a side effect of the high blood sugar! Who knew! LOL..

To wrap this up, I guess what I am trying to say, is once you make that decision to love him and be loved by him, it really does not matter if you know the truth. Although you don't realize it now, by making that decision, you have already "dropped the rope and let go". Accept that for whatever reason, even if it DID happen, maybe he just can't bring himself to admit the truth, and like my H, it may be all about HIM and his fears, and no reflection on you whatsoever.

Don't get me wrong. If I allow myself to think about it, it still hurts. But I'm only human, right? I will probably never be able to FORGET that he cheated. But I have forgiven him. But I did that BEFORE I knew "the truth". So you can say I've been on both sides of the fence. I know how it feels to forgive and move on without knowing the truth, and I know how it feels knowing the truth. And if you really love H, and you can forgive him, it does not matter either way.

Re: Just discovered affair please help [Re: PunkinsMom] #2228409
03/07/12 06:44 AM
03/07/12 06:44 AM
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,567
somewhere out there...
V
verycrazy Offline
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somewhere out there...
Wow, punkin, I read all that holding my breath! Glad to know it wasn't herpes. And I agree with you that forgiving and moving on sometimes means not knowing all the truth. Perhaps my H is ashamed of it, too. I hope so. He should be.

vc

Re: Just discovered affair please help [Re: verycrazy] #2228590
03/07/12 07:41 PM
03/07/12 07:41 PM
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 342
Florida
PunkinsMom Offline
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Florida
LOL VC, I'm sorry! Going back and re-reading my post, I see I should have cleared that up sooner and not left it hanging out there for so many paragraphs. I tend to be long winded too, so I hope you didn't pass out from holding your breath so long! laugh


Bomb Nov 01
PA w/OW (lied for 10 yrs)
Dumped OW/back home Nov 02
I became WAS:Feb 05
Reconciled:Oct 06
Current:Going strong, Still using DB techniques to KEEP it that way 10 years later!
Re: Just discovered affair please help [Re: verycrazy] #2229077
03/09/12 10:04 AM
03/09/12 10:04 AM
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 885
I
inpain Offline OP
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inpain  Offline OP
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Hi VC - great to hear from you again. I remember your sitch from last time I was on and how he would never admit PA. It's great to hear that you got past it. How do you just get past it??

I do have a hobby, which I do all the time when H is at work but it is crafting and so I'm just at home on my own doing it.

H is being perfection itself these days on the whole. He is being much better with the kids (something we have always disagreed on because he just doesn't really discipline them age appropriately - like lecturing them for over the smallest things and every little thing), he is being really lovely helping round the house and arranging things for us to do. He's getting better at talking about the sitch to - doesn't get angry and tries to reassure me.

There was one thing in January. I was looking through his phone and as I got to his phonebook he warned me there was a number in it under just an initial (happened to be same initial as OW by the way!) and of course I freaked out. He made up this whole story about who it was and why the number was just under an initial but eventually came clean and said the story was because he panicked knowing I'd think it was OW. So this made me think he hasn't really learned to stop lying!!! Other than that there has been nothing else.

I really admire you so much for being able to get past this! I hate the not knowing crazy


M-43 H-42
S-11 D-7
T-19 yrs
M-15 yrs
Bombshell 9/17/15
Sep - 11/9/15
Re: Just discovered affair please help [Re: PunkinsMom] #2229079
03/09/12 10:16 AM
03/09/12 10:16 AM
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 885
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inpain Offline OP
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inpain  Offline OP
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WOW!!!! Thank you so much for your post PunkinsMom!! All of it just resonated with me so much!

Quote:
To wrap this up, I guess what I am trying to say, is once you make that decision to love him and be loved by him, it really does not matter if you know the truth. Although you don't realize it now, by making that decision, you have already "dropped the rope and let go". Accept that for whatever reason, even if it DID happen, maybe he just can't bring himself to admit the truth, and like my H, it may be all about HIM and his fears, and no reflection on you whatsoever.


This part in particular! I can see what you mean and it makes me feel calmer that that is how it happens and I suppose in a way I'm half way there as I haven't left or thrown him out and really don't want to do either of those.

Your post also scares me senseless at the same time though!! That your H continued to keep that lie for 10 years!!! Only coughing when he thought he'd given you herpes! woah! I can understand how it got to a point where you separated for a time - I feel like my brain will eat away at me until I explode like that too if I don't deal with this correctly now. One of my underlying fears to letting go of it all happens to be that if he's lying he could give me something nasty frown. I have said this to him so many times and he swears he won't give me anything because he hasn't done anything crazy but I guess that's what he would say! I hope I can be as strong as you and learn to forgive without knowing the truth. It just seems so sad to have to live possibly the rest of my days always wondering - like I feel I'll be on my death bed and still wonder if he lied to me all that time.


M-43 H-42
S-11 D-7
T-19 yrs
M-15 yrs
Bombshell 9/17/15
Sep - 11/9/15
Re: Just discovered affair please help [Re: inpain] #2229247
03/09/12 09:06 PM
03/09/12 09:06 PM
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 342
Florida
PunkinsMom Offline
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Florida
I honestly think that if I had not had the whole health scare, that he would have never admitted the truth. I don't understand why they need to hang onto the lies. Especially my H, knowing I had already forgiven him. BUT...what really makes me go hmmmmmmm, is wondering why OW lied about it. I mean, you would think she would have said "Hell yeah, we do it like bunnies" to get me to go ahead and dump him, because at that point, he was trying to break off all contact with her, and she was REALLY digging in. In fact, she stalked him/us for 18 months AFTER he told her they were done and he was staying with me. You would think she would have used any means necessary. She even went so far as to follow him to THREE different jobs, even taking a job as a DUMP TRUCK DRIVER so she could continue working with him LMAO!!! So the fact that she lied and said "I told him I would not sleep with him as long as he was with YOU" just blows my mind! I still shake my head over that one.

I also need to be honest and say that if it had not been for my S, I don't think I would have asked him to come home, but I can't be sure about that 100%. Even so, it took 4 years after he dumped her for me to forgive. So yes, it is a long process when they are NOT willing to tell the truth. And trust me, you will go back and forth questioning your sanity and going, "Well, maybe he IS telling the truth, but then again, he did this and this and this, and so I KNOW he is lying, but then again...." LOL I rode that ride for many years.

I can tell you that now, I rarely even think about it. Thank heavens!! It WILL get better with time.


Bomb Nov 01
PA w/OW (lied for 10 yrs)
Dumped OW/back home Nov 02
I became WAS:Feb 05
Reconciled:Oct 06
Current:Going strong, Still using DB techniques to KEEP it that way 10 years later!
Re: Just discovered affair please help [Re: PunkinsMom] #2229337
03/10/12 03:32 AM
03/10/12 03:32 AM
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,567
somewhere out there...
V
verycrazy Offline
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verycrazy  Offline
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V
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,567
somewhere out there...
Wow, punkin, a DUMP truck driver???? Man, she was bonkers!
And, you know, my H told me that they didn't sleep together, because get this- she wasn't that kind of person. Pukepukepuke!!
But, correspondence and phone messages told a different story, so I was driving myself crazy thinking about it, did he or didn't he?

I, like punkin, ip, had to get to a point where I didn't let it rule my every waking thought, and one day, I realized it wasn't even every day I would even think about it. Like your, H, ip, my H started doing things for me around the house, asking how he could help, making a point of asking if I wanted anything, becoming more involved. So, I guess I believe it was his shame and embarrassment of how he would appear in MY eyes that has made him keep that truth from me. And, maybe, one day I will know the truth from his lips, but I don't count on it, nor do I wait for it.

So, what kind of crafts do you do? I love crafting, and think I may get back into candlewicking. And I love doing "Victorian" style crafts. And I want to be on Project Runway. Ok, not the last one, but I would like to just once try my hand at making a really nice article of clothing. And, how are those babies of your doing? Getting quite big now, I guess.

vc

Re: Just discovered affair please help [Re: verycrazy] #2231074
03/16/12 04:47 AM
03/16/12 04:47 AM
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 885
I
inpain Offline OP
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Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 885
Oh my goodness, I honestly read what you both say in awe, I don't know how you've managed to get past this and I honestly am starting to think I can't. I feel like I despise him for not telling me the truth but then it is only my opinion that he's not tellint the truth isn't it so I could be despising him for nothing - it is really driving me insane!!

Unfortunately we now have a major problem to deal with too. Our poor little girl (3) has just been diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes on Monday frown - so now my head is totally swimming with this diagnoses and what it means for my poor baby for the rest of her life, trying to explain all the injections etc to such a little girl who really doesn't understand and I've had to take on so much information in the last few days that I feel like I've done a whole university degree in three days! My head is going to explode! "It never rains, it pours" is not graphic enough for this situation! I feel like it should be "It never rains, it floods!" cry


M-43 H-42
S-11 D-7
T-19 yrs
M-15 yrs
Bombshell 9/17/15
Sep - 11/9/15
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