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Joined: Jan 2007
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25yrsmlc,

I think everyone admits, to some extent, that they had a part to play in the demise of the marriage, and they may have "walked" their spouse to the OP's door.

And I agree that forgiveness is largely for the benefit of the person doing the forgiving. And I get the whole thing about being permanent victims and not being twisted and shaped by the wound.

I'm facing the hard challenge of forgiving and unrepentant spouse. And I'm working on this tough process understanding that I need to do this regardless of outcome. It seems that she still wants a divorce.

However, I think, somtimes, that DB-ing might take into consideration what reconcilation looks like post affair. Michelle in her book, DR, says the unfaithful spouse, when they are remorseful, can't say they are sorry enough. they WANT to show and say they are sorry.

I'm not talking about "being right" for it's own sake. I'm talking about the health and integrity of a relationship when forgiveness is unilateral and the spouse who had the affair isn't remorseful or at least asks for forgiveness.

That being said, it takes time for people exiting an affair to begin to sort out their emotions and come to a place of clarity and wisdom to grow and mature into a person who can genuninely apologize for hurting their spous eand family.

As much as the DB-er needs to look in the mirror and grow, so does the offending spouse.

Forgiveness requires both parties to swallow their pride. The one who forgives says, "By all rights I could call it quits betwene us, but I am willing to let this go and not hold it against you. I will chose to love inststead of chooosing to be resentful." And the person being forgiven needs to admit wrongdoing and ask for forgiveness.

I think unilateral forgiveness is necessary for personal peace, but it needs to be bi-lateral for the reconiliation of the marriage.

Or do you think, perhaps, the qquiet, unspoken, personal unilateral forgiveness is a way of gaining understanding? And that this forgivness does not require the offending spouse to be sorry and that a marriage can be healed if the unfaithful spouse thinks the affair was OK?

Can you really be happy of there is a huge gaping lie in middle of the marriage, namely, that the affair was OK? It's no so much a matter of being right, it's about basing your relationship on truth and both people being willing to grow past their resentments.

Janis Spring in her book How Can I Forgive You? Suggests that remaining in a relationship with someone who refuses to apologize for hurting you is allowing the other person to refuse to grow and develop personal integrity. In fact she thinks it obligatory for someone to tell the person how much they hirt you and offer forgiveness to them, inviting them into the process of mutual growth.

Peace,

Theoden




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Quote:
That being said, it takes time for people exiting an affair to begin to sort out their emotions and come to a place of clarity and wisdom to grow and mature into a person who can genuninely apologize for hurting their spous eand family.


That particularly hit a spot with me.

Took my H a whole year,even though he had apologized for what had happened, before he woke up one morning, and out of the blue told me what a complete idiot he had acted and how he couldn't believe how clouded and wrong his judgement had been, REGARDLESS of the problems in our M when his A took place. The A didn't help anything, it just made it all so much worse. It made me feel so good to hear that.

We had already by then.....well from early on when the A to light, owned both our own parts in the problems in the M.


Saffie
me 46
H 46
M in 1986
D20,D18,S16,D13
H's A 01/05 to 07/06
H recommitted to M 07/06
renewed vows 09/06
Going from strength to strength
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