Newly divorced and lost

[Golfgirl1]

Kassie,
Keep moving forward and looking ahead. Take action and accountability for your life because this is your life. God isn't going to let you down; in fact, God is pushing you to change because it's time for change. Yes, of course change is hard, but I'm here to tell you that you will be a better person and your life will be amazing down the road. What do you like to do? Do you have single friends who understand what you're going through? Look for some meetup groups in your area and put yourself out there. Take it one day at a time, maybe do some journaling and sit back and think about what you want. In my opinion, this is NOT the time to be looking for a new relationship because you have to learn to love yourself first before you can even think about loving someone else. Your heart has to take time to heal. I've been divorced a year and think about dating, but I'm not currently dating. Maybe someday....I sold the marital home and kept very little furnishings. I have a fabulous new iron bed and my new home is very "girly" and my sanctuary. Only when I moved to a new home did I start to sleep and get back my life and my power. It takes time, but it will happen I promise you.
Hang in there!

[kassie]

Thanks golfgirl for your input. In some ways I would love to downsize and startover in another place. During out separation I did spend time looking only to discover that it will actually cost me more to move - to fix another place up (as it seems this is what ppl expect anymore) and own - even renting costs the same or more. So I put that idea on hold because my income is low for where I am. But it won't really solve my problem because my exh and i work at the same place - our offices are next to each other. We are close to retiring so jumping to a new job won't get me more and would be another adjustment.

As far as getting out - I found out that I am feeling extremely distrusting of others right now. I never had many friends - my life revolved around work and family. And my best friend of 20 years walked away from me while I was going through my separation. So I am finding that while I push myself to start relationships - I have little trust that it will go well and this week I discovered just how sensitive I am to this issue. So I have some work to do in this area.

[cat03]

you work next to each other? ick! sorry hon, that stinks!

Helping others helped me move on, volunteer, there are so many good organizations out there, the first time I was able to not think of my then-horrible sitch for 3hrs in a row was when I volunteered with this organization for brained damaged people. Join the meetup site and find something you like, something you are passionate about and haven't gotten around to it (I'm part of quite a few). Repaint something, move the furniture, etc etc, make things new for you!

[toughlover]

Dittos on what cat said. When I was piecing, helping others was about the only thing that did me any good (personally) for a while...helped get my mind off of feeling sorry for myself and focused elsewhere.

[kassie]

Thanks for the replies and suggestions.

This was an especially hard week for me - altho exh and I are not in the same department - our offices are next to one another. Anyway, prior to the divorce he made it a point to stay as far away from me as possible most of the time since we do not have to interact. This week he was mostly "underfoot" it seemed - I call it "out and about" but seemed to be everywhere I was at in the building as the same time! It unnerved me!

I also had changed my work schedule so that there was less chance of interacting and it is part of my adjustment strategy. My worst times of the day are when I first wake up and the dinner hour. So my change of hours allows me more time in the morning to rattle around the house and I get home way past dinner time and go straight to down time. What got me this week was that he started to stay late as well.

My prior supervisor had looked into a move of my office but it got turned down - and now I have a new supervisor who wants to advocate again for a change of office to make my day a bit easier. Doubt it will happen but worth a try.

And BTW - I help people for a living which does help me to focus less on me and reminds that there are others much less fortunate but just as determined as myself. But having to confront my exh daily tends to remind me of why I need the distraction. And then when I get home and greeted with "things breaking down" at home and have to call yet another repair person or run to the store after a long day I just want to scream!

This is another issue - but it seems to me that ever since I have been alone the house is falling apart! I don't remember having to fix so many things or having to do very much at all. Now it seemed that I can't walk across a room without spilling or knocking something - or I somehow don't turn off the faucet completely leaving a drip or things just don't work the way they should and it turns into a mess. (One example - my son bought me a programmable coffee pot at Christmas - for months it all went fine. Then one morning I woke up to coffee on the counter and the floor and discovered I had forgotten to put the coffee strainer back into the pot. So I think ugh! another clean up but NO after the clean up I see the counter is now warped and stained!) It is these little/big things that remind me that I am alone so much.

Was wondering if these things bother others in a similar way? Are you doing more than you used to and does it remind you more of how alone you are? Does it seem that "more" is going wrong than right some of the time? Or am I just self pitying.

After a day of helping others, coming home to more problems of my own and little help to deal with them, I have little time to find other things to do to take my mind away.

[Iwondertooo]

Kassie, Little things seem big when you are depressed. That is what I think is going on with some of your house problems. Distraction and maybe too much to do. It is a big pain is the A** to have to take care of everything yourself, I agree with that 100% You are not self pitying, there is a lot to do when you live alone. It's normal. Maybe you can find some peace with that. You are doing just fine. If you can, try to find satisfaction in the day to day, go to work, come home and take care of yourself routine. Wonder

[cat03]

totally hear ya, I never realize how crazy the grass grew on the sides of the house before, the toilet tanks leaked, the water heater burst... and when ex was around, almost nothing went bad! ... I got myself some good trusworthy repairmen and have come to accept that a few times a year something will break/get old/too worn out.

There comes a time when you just have to say it "forget it!" and learn to laugh at yourself. Give yourself a break, let go of a lott of things... the little things that eat at you... nothing is worth your peace of mind sugar, you are very valuable and remember that.