Hi, I was here awhile back. Struggled to keep the marriage together, he finally took the step to file which I never would have predicted. It was a troubled marriage and not easy divorce.
I have not been able to bounce back and wished to talk to others who have gone through a divorce with someone they really wanted to work things out with when I remembered this site.
The biggest problem has been the loneliness - not aloneness. I have few problems with spending time alone or doing things on my own - so this is something different. I miss the companionship of daily routines, daily talking to someone, even sleeping with someone next to me. I no longer sleep in my bed. My routines aren't holding up - my sleep is all over the place - eating is erradic -and I just want to avoid the world and life in general!
Did anyone else feel this way and how long did it last before you were able to move forward? What did you do that helped?
Hi Kassie, although I am new here and you are my first post I struggle with the exactly the same things that you do on a daily basis and it is not easy. I was divorced this past march, 1 week before my birthday. From my experience although not a expert, you have to be careful not to go into a depression which is something i am being treated for because from time to time and sometimes minute to minute i can go through all emotions known to humans and some days do not even want go outside but since my 19 year old daughter decided to stay with me, she lets me know when i need to "perk up". I am still trying to piece my family back together, but there is a whole world out there for you and you can be happy. Although i dont know your situation please dont think less of yourself which i sometimes do, you are worth more than that and the world is a better place because you are in it. please free to pm me if you like, I am 46 and was married 24 years.
Hi Kassie, I think a lot of what you're experiencing is pretty normal unfortunately. The abrupt end to a married life is painful and you have gaps all over the place. I do ok for the most part but the bumps in life and new bombs from her like her sleeping with other people still gets me down. Or even just being out and doing fun stuff with DD I feel that gaping hole and what STBX meant to me. At times I feel as if I'm missing a limb. And it comes and goes in waves even years after D. Most people 'move on' in about 3yrs if you really want a number but according to the book From Abandonment to Healing http://www.amazon.com/Journey-Abandonment-Healing-Relationship-Beginning/dp/0425172287 there's no set timeline. From my personal experience what I've seen is that most people are generally happy once they are in new a relationship. I can see that because it's not so much that I miss STBX it's what she represented.
Not having a companion in life is lonely...but certainly very doable. If you are feeling depressed from the lonliness though see if you can talk to a counselor. What has helped me? Having hobbies, having the radio on while folding the laundry etc, buying something new that I'll enjoy like a new patio set with a firepit to have dinner outside with DD (or with the birds when DD's not with me lol), a small manageable house project, meeting up with a friend for lunch/dinner, watching a movie, reading inspirational quotes, grilling some food, bicycling, working out, retail therapy, exchanging dirty pics with the DB ladies (just kidding!) and humor. Adopting a pet has been suggested as something helpful too, though it's a big committment. Meetup.com is also a good way to get out of the house and socialize. Hope some of this helps.
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
Kassie, IR gives you good advice. If I remember correctly we were all quite concerned about him a while back but he's bounced back as will you! I found being involved in church activities helped me to get through. It helped me focus on something bigger than myself. Is it easy? Nope! It's devastating and when people in our society equate it with the flu, something everybody gets at sometime, it ticks me off. I felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest, like there was a hole there that will never be filled again...and sometimes still do. I've been separated for 3.5 years now and still struggle at times. Sometimes I think that if the person who knew me best for 17 years doesn't want me then who else would! Now, back to you. If you need something to help you through then go to your doctor and get it. If you can't sleep that is a real burden. Some people here have used AD's and found them extremely helpful. So, it's an option. I also think that at our age, in our fifties, it's tough to have what you saw as your anchor in life ripped away from you. Well, enough of my babbling. I hope you got something out of it. Keep posting, that helps too!
ImprovedRomeo > I know what I feel is normal for the most part. At least I expect that it is... I guess I thought that because we had been living separately for the past few years I would be used to it. I have been so surprised that I still feel the way I do.
I had the book (Journey from Abandonment to Healing)and tried to read but found it overwhelming! How did you get through the book?
I tried talking to a therapist in the beginning but didn't find it helpful perhaps because I really just want a companion. I have tried meds but they are either too strong or non effective so I think I must not really need them. I half started to walk daily which helped some and had darkening shades put up in the room I am sleeping which helps.
I did clean out my yard, put out some plants and bought some flowers so I can sit out with my coffee in the morning/read or in the evenings when it gets cooler. We have a huge variety of birds thanks to a neighbor who puts out food for exotic birds - saw a baby cardinal yesterday afternoon for the first time.
So this is my life now at least for a time. I have been trying to change my routines and work schedule to see if what feels more natural but not noticing anything yet. Talking about your DD reminds me of how much I miss my kids! They moved out on their own during this period so I didn't have them to keep me busy but they do check in once in a while because they know how I am feeling.
Can't see me meeting up with anyone at this point. I have no desire for anyone else at the moment - and no trust left. (Know any good ways to rebuild that one? lol)
whatisis> I like how you mention others' reaction and treatment of divorce - like it is something you just get over! As I mentioned I was separated for a few years and no contact for the last year. The problem in my case may be that we work at the same place and see each other daily. My supervisor tried to get my office moved to give me more space away from him (didn't get approved) but for the most part my co-workers are supportive of the situation with me.
So, I thought being apart would make this part easy but i think the back and forth stuff kept me believing it would be ok. Now I am actually going through the "it is done" part and it still hurts. I am having a hard time thinking just about me and what I want - so used to having to check it out with someone else. Some days when I give in to those "wants" things more final, and some days I think that I am building walls that will not allow anyone else to come in.
Kassie, I still have issues with trust. Sometimes I feel that if the person who I loved and who knew me best for 17 years doesn't want me, who else would? I go to church and take part in activities there but I also have difficulty with trusting God, if he lets me down then what's left? When people are kind and caring to me a little voice in my head starts thinking "when will they turn on me". I know people who have been divorced for 7 years and they still struggle with it. It's an experience that's part of your life. And it's a long process to wade through especially when you've been betrayed (don't know whether that's you or not) but we look for the good in every day and try our best to move beyond our pain. Life ain't over!
Well, it has been 10 years for me now. I was also "hit out of the blue"and we had been married 25 years, together 30. It took me a LONG time to recover to the point I am at today.
The suggestions you have received so far are very good. I found that hobbies helped a lot although I could not do some of the things I had done for years (like cross stitch) in the beginning. I couldn't even watch tv (we always did that together). I just felt so unsettled.
Venting to friends on the computer and phone really helped me. Forcing myself to get out since I just wanted to curl up on the couch and do nothing but ache.
I forced myself to date again. Like you, I wondered who would ever want me. The person I gave my life and 3 kids to had abandoned me. Tossed me aside like trash. Well - I was wrong. But it was not easy.
Finding someone new who really compliments me (not to be confused with "completes"me) was really good for me. I will say that I would have recovered without him but I do enjoy our time together.
The thing is - ou are the only one who can make your life what it is. You have to be willing to try different things. And realize that there is a time for everything. Therapy might not have helped in the beginning but it might be right now. I went in the beginning although I was a puddle of anguish a lot of the time. But I did learn some coping and rebuilding tools. I went back after a couple of years to "see how I was doing" then even joined a group of "Survivors"led by my counselor on a "Face your Fears"trip into the Amazon jungle. I healed faster after 9 days there where we talked about our journeys quite a bit.
Everyone is different. We heal faster in some ways than others. But wanting to get past it is good. I just tried to fix one thing in my life that was missing at a time. I reminded myself I only had to live one day at a time. That helped too!
I understand about the bed. I had trouble sleeping for a long, long time and usually slept on the couch. I tried moving to the middle of the bed but still felt something missing. I did move a body pillow into his place and it helped some. Maybe you should buy a new bed or change rooms. Moving to a different house really helped me. It was MY house - one he had never set foot in. I liked that!
Slowly I am starting new hobbies, meeting new people and trying new things. This is what life is about anyway. I recently left my city of 55 years and moved to a small village 200 miles away. And I really don't have friends here - a bit intimidating but I'm pushing myself each day. Tommorrow I'm joining Zumba. Thursday is card making class, a stitching class AND a trip to the local farmer's market. It's a start.
Life is a gift. Make a small change today and you will reap rewards tommorrow.
I always have issues with trust! Doesn't everyone? Trust in God/HP is different - I think we have to separate our experiences from people and look to that HP/God as somehow different - outside the circle of our lives that lifts us out of the ordinary experience and allows us to see or know something different is possible. Having said that - I do get angry at God/HP and wonder why things happen - I think we all do that.
People on the other hand are predictable - they will at some point let us down and we have to decide how we will react. Somedays it is easy to let go and other days it is very tough. Today is one of the tough days for me.
Thanks for being so honest with me. It helps to read how others are responding to hurt and pain whether successful or not. We all have it and then we all get through it. I have to keep reminding myself. Thanks for the reminder as well.
Wow! thanks for taking the time to respond. You have years and it is nice to know that some people take their time to recover.
I too am having a hard time enjoying many of the things I used to enjoy - not necessarily with my exh but having the focus and concentration and desire is hard. I often think - what is the point? which is an awful things to say.
I am finding my way around the computor and yes it helps me a lot!
I don't really wonder who will want me as much as who can I trust again? I have no desire nor willingness.
I have moved to another room and it helps. I have been looking at houses and apt to make a move thinking it might help but am terrified at the prospect of change. Working on changing routines and working different hours looking for my own rhythm and sway. Activities are slow in the making - I have good days and bad ones still where I just want to sit on the couch and stare at the walls and do nothing. Not great but happening less. The idea of moving forward is daunting at this point altho I know eventually it will happen.
Thanks for sharing - it gives me some things to think about even if I am not ready. It gives me hope to hear other stories.
