He has left me AGAIN!

[punkin]

Tipper,

I can't really say anything to you that the others haven't already said. You are moving in the right direction. I applaud your boundaries set and your efforts to GAL.

You have to decide what works best for You, just don't delude yourself with old trusts and enablements. For some of us, the best answer is to 'go dark'. You might give that another, longer try.

I did notice in your last post that you said you were in a tough position as you 'still waiting' for him to do various things. That is an illusion. An expectation. A belief in what he SAYS he is going to do. STOP WAITING. It is holding you back.

[notsosunny]

Good Morning Tipper,

I noticed in you last post that U said U were still waiting!!!
Three times......
STOP putting your life on hold for this man, a man that has to choose his own path of recovery.
And NO your not being a biotchy when you setting boundaries for yourself and your sanity

These wise woman are Right.listen to them

And why is the cell phone even on all night
Shut the darn thing off, respond IN the morning IF AT ALL.
This stuff is not that important..its just stuff.
So what if his tools are there, so what if the supposed divorce papers have not shown up
Life you life NOW.and as 25 and others have said break this crazy cycle or stay in a life of misery

YOU can do this!!!!

Cindy

[Tipper]

Thanks
I am just such a sappy whimp. A truely heart broken whimp.
In church today, the pastor said that the holy spirit is an advocate and is all around us in the people I meet and talk to that support us through struggles.So I need to believe what people are saying to me here on the boards, at alanon, at family&freind gatherings, etc... But I am stuggeling with believeing in my self to be able to do these things.

I am learning so much in alanon. No matter how normal my reactions were - I still feel Like I was the one in the wrong for arguing with my H about the amount of time he was at the bars, I feel I was the one that pushed him away with my anger, even he is telling all our friends that I kicked him out -(when really he said he was leaving and I said fine- GO)!

Alanon, suggests making amends to those we harmed. They suggest to love the Alcoholic and to understand with compassion that they are ill. I didnt start going to alanon until it was too late to save my M, and I truely regret not going earlier.

I keep hearing the same advice to let go and to move on, I guess I am going to need a lot of time to really get him out of my heart & mind as currently I know I am stuck. I need to go dark-er, and stop enabeling him.

Yesterday, I set the first real boundary (with texts). Then when we ran into each other on the patio - I am sure that he sensed that I was not very friendly/ talkative, just cordial (mostly silent).I didnt make time for him when he asked me if I had time to talk, and I didnt ask him ANY questions. I also was looking rather good on my way out to a party. So all in all, I feel like I am starting to change the cycle - its just so hard and heart breaking to do it.

I probably heard it 50 times last night, that I deserve better and have a lot going for me, that I am smart, beautiful, kind, patient,and strong with a peppy personality. And that He is a drunk, lost soul that is going to loose every thing good in his life (just like he has already lost most his friends, his wife, his business is struggeling, and he is going to spiral down more). Why cant I just believe that???
TIPPER

[25yearsmlc]

why can't you just believe that? You can. The issue isn't what you believe, b/c you know he's a drunk (and btw, he also wants a divorce....)

but when you accept that he's a drunk and not a good h, it's implicitly obvious you must take action...and leave.

That's your problem, the inertia and the fear. The fear of the unknown or being alone sure must terrify you.

You know the answers to the questions you ask but you pretend to concern yourself with questions about texts, or his latest crazy financial scheme or what he said or was wearing or how you looked when he saw you and how you didn't make eye contact and blah blah blah.

Where the head goes, the heart will, eventually, follow.
So keep thinking straight.

As for you loving him, well so what if you do? I love my son22, but if he robs someone and goes to jail, I won't bail him out of jail before he has served his time. B/C I LOVE HIM...I want him to be the best person he can be. Enabling does not help HIM OR ME.... If that's "tough love" to you, so be it. I just think it's holding them accountable and being normal and healthy.

Sounds as if you are saying I should bail my son out, hire a great L so he can get my son "off" and run free without paying the victim back or paying his debt to society. That belief system is exactly why so many criminals re-offend.

The analogy I'm using is very appropriate. You are behaving like the mother of many of my former criminal defendant clients. Bailing them out, lying for them, covering for them and pretending they were simply hanging with the wrong crowd.

While I think alcoholism is a disease there IS also an element of choice in it, just as there's an element of choice in diabetics who refuse to watch their insulin or glucose levels. Sometimes they have to get violently ill to start taking care of themselves. A friend of mine did not take care of his diabetes and went into a stupor while driving his car, and literally killed off most of a family when his car went into the opposite lane. He eventually died too (after 3 months in a coma). All b/c he didn't watch his insulin and take care of the warning signs...

Your h can easily kill people driving drunk. What role will you have played in that if it happens?

Assuming that it's possible for him to get well. What would it take? FIRST YOU would have to stop enabling him.

The sooner you stop enabling him, the sooner he'll get better, with many ups and downs in between.

Make sense?

I don't know what else to say or how to say it. This is not complicated....don't over think this.

It's hard but it's simple. You just have to DO IT.

You can.

[WCW]

tipper, rebuilding belief in yourself is done over time. It doesn't just happen when people say something wonderful about you or preach it to you.

Keep building your base of who you are, someone you believe in, a person you can be and want to be. We know you can.

[K4D]

Tipper,

I was a former drunk for years. It took my W wanting out of the marriage for me to wake up and start making changes. And the road to changes was a long and painful one with misteps along the way. But I made it out of that world.

Had she not left me, I would have seen no reason to stop as I was just floating along in life. It was the best thing she did for me by no longer enabling me. It forced me to grow up and become responsible in life and be a responsible father to my kids.

Sometimes what seems like the hardest thing to do, can be the best thing to do for your own sanity and for the well being of that person stuck in a rut.

I'm not advocating divorce. But I am agreeing with the others to make sure you are not enabling him by allowing him to continue this path with you.

I also do not believe alcoholism is a disease. At most, it's a poor unhealthy coping mechanism. But it is a choice. Some people do require hitting rock bottom before waking up and making a different choice in life. Sad.

I think you are now on the right path if you can stick to it.

Good luck,

K

[Tipper]

Thanks all,

I will do my best. I come here to vent and to post the things I see happening in my Sitch. and to get suggestions.I am trying to define the ways that I am using the DBing techniques even though sometimes I slip (which I'm sure is normal).

I can tell already since using the last-resort-technique that he is way more curious about me and my thoughts and my where abouts.
I re-read the last-LRT section in MWD's book last night and it confirmed to me what you are all saying here.
If I want the cycle to stop, I need to JUST DO IT! She explains that it is not for the faint of heart (which unfortanitely is me). But I realize how much I have tolerated that I shouldnt have, and how many ways he was not being a good H to me.
So I will stick with it, and do what I can to not be friendly, not return calls, not check up on him, and to get myself out there in this world (GALing).

H text me twice yesterday and I didnt respond. He said he is leasing a two family home across the street from one of my best friend's house and that his cousin and her family are going to rent the upstairs from him, and a garage is included. Then later he text around 11ish and said "I hope your doing ok".
I didnt respond to either text and I find it funny that this time around he is offering information to me that I didnt even ask about and that I showed no concern about the day before when he mentioned it.

The last few times he left in '07 &'08, I was begging him to tell me where he was staying and he would say it was none of my business. Myself and his family didnt find him until 3 weeks later back then. We were all concerned at that time because he was making suicidal comments. So this is a 180 for me to not pursue him.

I felt like I did a good job not inquiring! Now I need to focus on not enabeling him.

I have also noticed that since I have stop responding to nonsence texts it seems he is no longer pushing me about a D, rather he is pushing for my freindship (and I still dont answer those texts either). I also noticed that this past sat. when we ran into each other he was Sober, (even his best freind commented that it was the frist time in a LOOOONNNGGG time that he had seen him sober).

Well, I am off to a BBQ with a guy freind of mine from H.S. days, I hope to have fun. Then later, I have alanon. Have a great memorial day, all!!!
TIPPER

[braveheart]

Tipper, why do you want him back?

[25yearsmlc]

I think the entire post was about what HE is doing/thinking/planning/texting, until your last sentence.

Even as you write of things you are learning in Al Anon and the DB books, it's still all about him.

Let's hear more about what YOU did that does NOT relate to him, and see where that takes you...(meaning where it takes you in life, not where it takes you vis a vis HIM)...please.

I think you can get this...

It's called FREE WILL

[Tipper]

K4D: That is truely encouraging to me, thanks for sharing. I have read about some stories like that and have heard of some sucessfull stories like that in Alanon. I know very well though, that it can also go the other way. But either way, I am starting my healing process by going to alanon and have at least finally woken up to the truth about our M probems, and realize that even if he would want to ever work on our M again, he would have to sober up first or I will refuse to let the door open a third time.

Braveheart: The reasons I would want my M back with my H would be these: -He is my first TRUE love -He and I have had a lot of great times together, a lot of history, -I feel we complimented each other well, -He was a strong hard worker, -He was very sexy with the greatest big green eyes ever, -He is funny, -He was very protective of me, -He wasnt lazy & liked to move like myself,-He used to be supportive of my life and family and abilities, -we liked a lot of the same music, shows, activities, friends, etc...,-I liked his great drumming skills and handy-man skills, -He was my best friend, -He was attractive to me in so many ways,-I liked how we shared religious beliefs/prayed together -We worked very well together on jobs/houses, I could keep going on and on.
But instead I will stop there and let you know that I do absolutely realize that all of these great qualities (other than the good looks) are mostly gone ever since he started hitting the bottle hard and heavy. Most of the things I loved about him have been saturated with beer,anger, emotional affairs, lies, & unresponsibility ever since 2007 (with the exception of a 2 year piecing time that he was converting back to old nice H and not drinking much, only to have him revert to the bottle again this last year). I have woken up to the fact that as long as he continues Drinking - he will never live up to the great things he could be and once was.

25yearsMLC: First I want to thank you so much for helping me in so many ways, I am so greatful that you often stop by my thread and get me back on track. The things I have been working on for ME have been these: -Attending Alanon, and slowly awakening and healing, -GALing like bowling league, art night, BBQ's & partys, walking my dog daily, Hanging with old group of friends that H basically had no interest in hanging with anymore, so I am reconnecting, -helping my family with house repairs & cooking dinner, -Slowed down my own social drinking to the pt. that I have only had 5 cups of wine in the past month and do not allow myself to get drunk, -working on art and paintings in my free time and I plan to enter another mosaic table into the NYS fair (last yr. I got 1st place),-I am growing my nails out and they are longer than they have ever been in my life since I have been a constant nail biter since I was a kid, -working the 12 steps and realizing some of my basic faults (are stuffing my feelings and later venting in anger, living in fear instead of letting go and letting GOD, and not being able to say NO/enabling), -Started attending Church again on reg. basis, -reading self help books, -planted flowers, and still looking profusely for another teaching job or new career.

I Will Choose Free Will! (its one of my favorite Rush songs too). The thing is that I have always done most of the GALing I stated above and the things that fill up my week are with all the same crowds on the same nights as usuall. I only have fridays free of nothing (other than alanon in a.m. and once a month Bunco party's with the girls). I am a busy-body, I just dont have a job during the day anymore and so I have a lot of time with no one around to sit and ponder. That is the time I will start working on filling more with things that need to be done around the house and watching my fav. show again, & doing MORE art.

Thanks you all, and thanks to any vets on this great Memorial day!!! I watched the parade go by in front of my house and it was so nice- lots of smiley happy people!!!
TIPPER