No Goodfight, my XH and I have not reconciled. In any way. He is angry at me for everything. He is angry he is where he is in life, he is angry about his health, he is angry about the Divorce Settlement, and most of all, he is angry that I have moved on with my own life. How dare I?
Yes, your H knows he is at fault with the kids, but admit it?? On a cold day in Hell. The floodgates might open and he'd have to admit that wasn't the only thing that he was at fault about.
All I can suggest is to do what I did. Show up, look beautiful, and sit calmly with your hands in your lap. Let you L do the talking. This is why he makes the big bucks. Any anger, crying, wringing of hands and tearing of hair is just an effort to sway you. DON'T BUY INTO IT.
My financial meeting was a complete waste of time. Husband was tee'd off when he walked into the room, and his L is a rock with lips. Just let your mind abstract and go to your happy place while they hammer it out.
Every time i wanted to make contact with XH, i would stop myself and ask those two questions :
Do i really need him to be involved in this? What will i gain from this?
The answers are always the same. What would yours be?
GF,
this is one of those situations in which the answer is SIMPLE...but tough. it is not complicated (See above^^^ post)
Here are some other questions to aid you in getting clarity.
Why are you attending the meeting if your L already knows what you want?
If you cannot handle going, then don't go. If you CAN handle it, then go.
(If you need meds to get through it AND want to go, do that.)
For ME, I would not go unless I KNEW I'd look and feel just fine, thank you.
I would not go unless I knew I'd be holding my head high and not "losing it".
Either way, you know you must have things finalized b/c you are not alright financially. You have to protect yourself and your child.
As I undertand it you will be better off financially and wth, maybe he'll snap out of it when reality sets in. Your only choice now is whether to go or not. See the above comments and decide.
I don't believe your presence will be THE reason for him to cave in or relent or to grant your wish...even if he pretends it is. That's silly. And weird.
Don't engage in the craziness and manipulations -- "Oh, I have to go to the settlement session b/c if I don't, THEN h will not give me what I'm enttiled to...blah blah blah".
Do you really believe that? (I don't.] His choices are his and his only. And your h is not the judge, btw.
H filed for divorce, so with or without tears, that is what HE did. He has not reversed it or indicated any intention to do so. He lives with OW. He has no contact with you or his own child.... Time to end the fake limbo. (I say "fake limbo" b/c there isn't really a lack of clarity here. There is no "limbo" except financially).
For whatever weird reasons, Your h does not want to do the work to be m to you now. He does not want to be a decent dad right now either.
Maybe later he will. Maybe much later. Maybe never. We don't know. All you can do is protect yourself and your kids. Deal with what IS and not what you wish for or are still mourning.
Decide about the meeting. Go or don't. If you go, then Let your L talk and look your best. Take a chill pill if you need to. (Many people would.)
That's my .02
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks for the advice everyone. H is not living with any OW or is with any OW. But that doesn't matter. His OW is his sister. lol
GF,
You're right it doesn't matter. I forgot HE is the one with the nuts from hell for a family and all their rejection of innocent kids, and crazy lazy parenting...ETC ETC...
So, you want to go to the meeting now? May I ask why? I mean, it better be b/c You are gettin' your groove ON!!
Looking good, feeling good (no, he won't think you "forgot" to love him if you appear to be healthy, content and moving on. He will MISS & WANT THAT...)
no one misses a needy clingy SAD woman...sorry but it's true. Don't be that, be the woman only a fool would leave.
So put that groove on and go out and have fun with some peeps....AND...OR
go the meeting.
Either way, let the L do the talking. All of it. That's why they are there. Make sure the L is clear ahead of time on what you want the most.
Do not respond to any provocation by h or his L. Let your L. Assume your h is an alien with piles of spew that want to spill out and believe me, YOU will have no regrets if you ignore the spew. (I can only imagine the 'fun" HIS L is having with your h as a cllient...Hey, If you feel super provoked by a lie, or a snarky comment & you can't contain yourself, you can say "you're kidding, right?" And leave him with a rolled eyes and "OMG he really is nuts!" look...
Also, neither you nor the L will have to sign or decide anything then and there (unless your h offers you all of it!!).
So don't sweat all that stuff happening at once. It won't.
When's the meeting again? I'll send hugs of support!
Good luck
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Me: 30 W: 28 T 8, M 6 S: 7-27-2007 W filed (again) 3-2011 Served 8-2011 Responded, now dark "I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear" MLK
Well, here is my update. Get a text on August 28th asking if we can talk over a drink or something. Now remember we have no phone number for H. I have NO clue to who is texting this so I just respond who is this? And I almost fell over it was H.
I asked to talk about what....he said just to get together and have a little time together. I played it cool and just said that I wasn't home and wouldn't be able to get out until late (knowing he goes to bed around 8:30 9:00). His response was I will wait for you (hasn't happened in almost 3 years). Then I asked if there was a band (I like to dance), and he said no but music is playing, and nice place. Told him I would get back to him. I didn't, then I get a couple more texts asking me if I was coming or not. I told him that I could get a ride but I don't drink and drive, and he said he would bring me home. I told him no, because he had been drinking. He then responded that he only had 2 and wouldn't drink much because I needed him to drive me home.
I have my S20 take me to where H was and he was just basically talking about work etc. I was friendly etc. Then I asked him what he wanted to talk about and he said lets leave here because it's too noisy. So where do we go....a damn hotel, because his S18 and brother are staying at his place. I acted like it didn't bother me but I was angry. God forbid he let anyone know we were together.
So he starts telling me he thinks about me every day and that certain songs on the radio he has to turn off because he gets very upset etc. I told him that I miss the old H but not the one he is now. Then it was just talking more like friends. So we spend the night and when he dropped me off the following morning he told me he would call or text me later. Well, I never heard from him so I figured I was used again by H. But then on Sunday, I get a text asking if I had fun with my boy toy on Saturday. I told him I wasn't seeing anyone, and that I didn't hear from him and already had plans to go out with my friends. He just responded, he didn't have anyone either and just said oh.
Next he starts talking about how he feels so alone, and he is always alone wherever he goes etc. I feels messed up in the head etc. (no kidding). I just said if he wanted to get together to talk about what he was going through just to let me know but I had to go because I was going to a benefit. Then he starts hinting around saying that he has nothing to do so I offered for him to go and he said no. I said ok, well I have to go get ready. Not 10 minutes later I get a text and he asked if I had eaten yet and would I like to grab something together before I go to the benefit. He also said he had to be home early because he had to be at work 2 hours earlier on Monday than usual. I said sure, but asked if he could drop me off at the benefit on his way back home and he said yes.
We go have pizza (took me to our pizza place from when we dated), and he didn't talk at all about how he was feeling so down etc. I didn't mention anything about it either. So we get ready to leave and he asked if I had a ride home from the benefit and I said yes, that a bunch of my friends were going and someone will take me home or I will call S20. We pull up to the place and he comes off with, maybe I will go in for a little while.
We go and he is having a good time and next thing you know is he is calling off of work. I couldn't believe he did that (he never calls off), so we stay until around 11:00 and we end up going back to the hotel. But before we go he asked if I needed anything from the store and I said just smokes, so he goes into the store and buys them for me, along with a Pepsi (my favorite), and also my favorite candy bar. I said thank you and that was nice of him.
Okay, now I have work on Monday so I get up early and tell him he has to get me home quick cause I needed to shower and get to work and he said he was going to get some sleep and we were laughing. I said it must be nice....lol. Same thing, he will call or text me later on etc. And I get almost the same text that was sent to me back at the end of Jan. He is going through with the D. The only thing we said about the D when together was that he wasn't going to push the D, and not contact his L so this way it wouldn't go anywhere yet until we decided on what we were going to do. He said he didn't know what he wanted and I said the same. But I did know what I wanted but wouldn't give him the satisfaction.
He also asked why I wasn't kissing his butt when we were out, and I just said I wasn't going to kiss anyone's butt and if he wanted to get a hold of me he knew how to.
This text said he knew he was messed up in the head and maybe someday he will get help and that he knows it would never work cause of the tension in the families and he would never be able to trust me. I couldn't believe it. I really thought I saw a break through with him admitting he knows he's not right etc. And not trust me....wth?? I haven't even gone on a date since we separated, and that's another thing he kept saying that he heard that I was with someone and that I cheated on him the whole time we were married. I told him it was nothing but a lie and I'm tired of defending myself.
I guess the family found out we were together....we were in public and I really thought that was a good sign also, because any other time we would get together he would make sure we were at his place so no one would know. Took me to where he hangs out at now etc. and there were people there that we knew.
I know no expectations etc., and detachment but I messed up because I'm down, really down again. He asked if we could be friends etc. and I said yes, but I don't do fwb and that if he ever needed to talk I would be there for him.
But then with the flooding going on just last weekend, he never called or anything to check on me or the kids, and he knew we had to evacuate etc. I was so hurt. Then the next day, he texts me that he is okay and not to worry. I said I had no clue to what he was talking about and he had nerve to say to me that I didn't bother checking on him with flooding etc. Now he wasn't involved except for work as far as being stuck in traffic because of roads being closed down.
I couldn't believe it. Then the following day we got to go home for a whole 1/2 hour. Next thing you know the cops are going around saying everyone had to leave immediately that the dike was leaking. Our D14 must have got so nervous because we were told at the one shelter that if we signed out and went home that we couldn't go back because there were other people waiting to get in. So what does she do....she calls H and asks if we can stay there, and he asked who and she told him all 3 of us and S20's girlfriend. He told her she was more than welcome but that was it. I pretended in front of her that I was fine with it, and we would be alright and not to be afraid. But deep inside it was killing me. H said he already had a house full the night before, come on....his S18 and brother 45.....no he couldn't have us there cause they would most likely start on him or whatever they do.
H also told me that I can have whatever I wanted in the D because he knows that he hurt me and that he felt so bad about everything. I didn't even respond to that text.
So here I go again. I am so angry with myself for falling for it again. I swore I never would fall for it again. But like I said with him admitting for the first time ever that he knows he is sick and needs help and was basically putting the D on hold etc., I made a fool of myself.
Sorry for going on and on, have a really bad day. Haven't heard from him in a week and don't think I will....
