OH MAN....I just had a panic epiphany...I'm still shaking, finding it hard to catch my breath....need to post....
As children we look to our parents to love and protect us from all . It is our childhood right as a human being to expect that our own parents will do everything in their power to do this. When we marry, the relationships we had with our parents often plays out with our spouses, but we always expect to be even more loved and protected by our spouses.
Imagine yourself as a little girl and over-hearing your own mother or father saying to a friend, "Let's throw her to the wolves." Wouldn't that feel like the ultimate betrayal of your whole life?
How do you feel safe after that? How can you ever feel safe after that?
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
I totally understand and sympathize with your feelings, MZ. Sadly, just about every parent fails in some way to "protect us from all," perhaps through negligence or thoughtless criticisms, or because they themselves carry their own wounds and blindnesses.
Then, we marry people whose wounds tend to be equal and opposite to ours, who challenge us in the places where we were hurt before. (Your wounds resulted in holding your H at arms length, while his were caused by having been held at arms length as a child.) The agony we feel when our partners hurt us tends to echo what we felt as children--it's having our worst fears come true again. As Schnarch explains, this gives both partners the chance to grow up and heal from family of origin wounds.
Kalni is right: the only way to feel safe after any betrayal is to learn to trust yourself. The child who says, "I'll never trust again after what my parents said" is condemning herself to a life of mistrusting everyone around her, and never getting close to anybody. Unless she changes the pattern, she is doomed to repeat it and recreate it in every relationship she has. She can break the pattern by deciding, "I can trust myself to know that I love myself completely, and am choosing the healthiest people to be around me. But, if they let me down, I know it is because they are struggling with their own issues--it is not a reflection on me."
We had a good heart to heart Friday. Being more open and honest is good. I ended up feeling unfamiliar feelings . Not good feelings as I am facing what I need to change in the way I treat and react to him. I know what that is. However, sometimes he perceives me reacting/acting in ways that are so off the mark. That scares me. Examples: a)I roll over and fall asleep as he is putting his arm around me and he says I was pretending to sleep. Huh? b)One Father's Day gift he thought was "thoughtless" on my part and it hurt his feelings.
He also confuses me. He has started liking birds and has some feeders outside our window. I found a guy who makes beautiful handmade bird houses. He had three styles and because they are very expensive, I chose one and thought I'd get the others in time. Well, several months ago he told me that the bird house was more for me than for him. He was saying that I am not conscientious enough when I gift give. NOW he says he loves the birdhouse because I got it for him. I told him I was confused and thought he didn't like it. Then he admits that he only said that to hurt me. WTF? Anyway, I said that those kinds of head games have no place in a marriage and especially in one that needs rebuilding. Those games need to end. Is he really that primitive? His A certainly was very budding adolescent in nature. I see that we need to level the playing field. He has always been envious of my career and ease at making money. We are enjoying a nice life, yet he wants to cut me down. It's something from his childhood. Not to be too psychologically minded, but this one has to get figured out.
Hey, J3B....you bravely posted your story on someone's thread. I read it, thank you. I don't know where it is.
MZ
Hi MZ, how are you doing now?
Our partners (or friends or anyone else) cannot be inside our heads, so they cannot really know the intentions of all of our actions. Nor can we really know THEIR intentions, so checking in about them can help. Even MORE effectively, we know by the responses (ACTIONS) that follow our actions.
Have you had a chance to listen to the KLA download?
What are your personal strengths, achievements, hobbies, -- things YOU DO with confidence?
I hope you're having a good weekend.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
As for the birdhouse etc. He said other hurtful things just to hurt me. i.e. "I wanted to f^_k someone with a flat stomach."
We both took 9/9/11 off early from work and sat outside. I didn't even have to bring it up, we started talking about this. He claims I do this too. When I asked him for an example, he couldn't think of one, not one. I acknowledge that maybe I do say things that hurt him or "cut" him "to the core" as he says, but I NEVER said anything to hurt him on purpose.
I'm just really getting it that he is hurt and damaged in ways I have no idea about. He can be so kind, loving, smart, and level headed.......then there is this incredibly vulnerable part of him that he keeps locked away from himself and me. It's like this nasty little boy comes out to take revenge.....The A was a reflection of that. He and ow were bullies to their staff. ....sorry I just have to document because this is hitting an "a ha" moment.
H's other assistant ended up quitting because H and ow treated her so badly....in subtle, passive-aggressive, mean ways. It's all in my first postings. After the ow left, she called our house months later when she learned from staff that ow had left. She wondered if she could have her old job back. I called her and she told me that staff told her I was starting to show up at H's work. She told me so many things, including other staff spying on H and ow. She said that when ow wasn't there H was nice, easy to get along with, but when ow was there he was a real jerk. She said they often left early and left her to do all the closing duties. She would then see their cars parked at a local pub....ugh!
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
Went to Cadet's suggested readings. Back then I was so anxious and so hurt, it was difficult to do anything other than just be. NOW it makes sense. Time to go to other threads and be supportive!
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
There..... IS..... a line you cross when you finally GET IT that it wasn't/isn't about the A as much as it is about your history and the history you will make out of healing yourself out of/in your marriage.
NEVER thought I'd get here, but I'm here! I get it! "Today"............. I GET IT!
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
Don't be disappointed in yourself. Two years on is not that long in the overall scheme of things. These things come back and bite us at trigger dates.
Just pick yourself up, dust yourself down, and carry on. The pluses outweigh the minuses. Oh, and stop thinking about OW- she really isn't worth the bother of your time.....it was thinking that , that was the only way I could get my H's OW out of my brain. She wasn't worth ANY thought or consideration.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
