Had an interesting conversation and thought it would be neat-o to hear what you all had to say.
Most of us here, especially in this thread, have gone through the Big D. Are you still in favor of Marriage? If so, why (aside from love and tax breaks). With divorce rates for 1st marriage around 50%, and higher for remarriage - I'd just like to hear some thoughts.
In case you are wondering - I am very much FOR marriage. From my reading, getting married when older = lower divorce rates. Also marriage people live longer, have higher levels of mental health & cognitive function. From a religious standpoint, marriage is thorughout the bible.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
Still very much pro marriage. I have invested a lot of time working through all of these issues and am finally able to say(most of the time) my ex is really crazy because I am a great catch! lol
I think the divorce rates for 2nd marriages are higher because people fail to take responsibility for their contributions to the failing of the first marriage...even if their spouse cheated. They don't wait until they are on solid ground before they leap into the next relationship because they want to feel better. They want the pain to stop now, so they blindly rush into marriage and most of the time a second divorce. Slow down people, why would you ever want to offer anyone anything but your best?
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I still believe in marriage - I DO think you try harder when you are married, when you've made that commitment in front of friends and family.
That being said - not sure I would ever marry again now at my age (54). First of all, I can't afford it - unless I find a rich guy, because the financial hit I would take by losing my alimony is huge. Since I have to be concerned with paying off my home before retirement and putting away enough money to retire safely, plus paying my share of three kids in college - I can't ignore those financial considerations in a relationship.
Second - I find I am kind of enjoying being free of the push-pull accommodations of living with someone every day. I do what I want when I want to. Right now a lover that I see once in a while but who goes home afterwards is suiting my needs nicely.
hey TMW, funny that I would check in here today... I almost did not realize it was you that posed this question! Hope you are doing well.
I still absolutely believe in marriage. I have never thought living together was a good idea.
I am/have been doing the work needed to insure any future relationship will be healthy and for the first time in my life I can spot someone who is not for me very quickly! Which is amazing in and of itself
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
I still believe in marriage - but I am a die hard romantic!
Second time marriages - totally agree that many people jump in before they have recovered from their first. It can be a "bandaid"- convincing yourself that all is wonderful - I've seen this happen many times. Get married before that euphoria of new love wears thin. But another reason second time marriages fail is because it is the cheaters themselves remarrying. You have to wonder how that will ever work out long term although I have to say - my ex married his "soulmate" 5 years ago and they are still together. Sometimes I believe they would never split because they'd both have to admit they were wrong - LOL. I think living with each other would be Hell.
As far as financial concerns - living together has the same concerns because after a year - you still split 50/50 unless you have a financial agreement that covers you. If I were to marry again, I would go into it with a pre-nup that covered me. Getting married with no assets as I did 35 years ago is one thing but remarrying when you have houses, equity, savings etc is different. You need to protect both parties. But it is no different getting married or living together IMHO.
So, the romanctic part of me would like to remarry, the other part of me says "I have it made - why change things". Josh's take on it is - "marriage is important if you plan to have kids together". Well I can honestly say to that - no way! LOL
I have never been a fan of living together. But that's bc of my faith. I would not live with anyone before I married them. That is even more true now that I have been married and have children. I would not have my children living with a man if he were not my husband.
That is looong distance future talk for me, though. My kids still want their dad and I to get back together. They are pretty young, 4 and 8, and I just can't wrap my mind around getting married again until they are much much older, possibly even out of the house. I just don't think it's fair to put my kids in that situation. They didn't choose the divorce and the least I can do is put off anything else that is going to really shake up their world.
But to the general question, when the times is right I will choose marriage over cohabitation.
I married after my 1st divorce and that is the marriage that landed me here....(the 2nd one...I don't do marriage well)
Cori and I are quite happily living together. It's not that we don't believe in marraige (we do) but we are as fully committed to one another as though we were and the tax hits we would take would cost around $10,000 a year....
not financially responsible to do so this year, however, he will be adopting Nick (as Nick can petition the courts to change things up when he is 14) and Dylan will follow next year
Fig's situation further illustrates what I was trying to say - every situation is different. We all have different concerns, beliefs etc. What works for one of us might not work for another. There are financial and legal situations to consider.
We have had jobs in different cities. I have had a teen daughter and didn't want a man in the house while she was growing up. Now we live together on the weekends. For us that works.
I love being in love and being with someone who is a witness to my life. Right now, I can't begin to imagine what that might look like. Oh, I'm certain I'll have another life partner because I refuse to ever give up, I just don't know about marriage. I'm enjoying my freedom and simply coming and going as I please.
Me 55 H 49 Married 21 years No kids bomb 5/09 filed 7/09 divorced and moving forward 5/10
