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Joined: Mar 2011
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My sitch

Married for 30 years, 2 wonderful grown children unfortunately 16 years ago I betrayed my wife. We worked thru it and have had an incredibly happy and sucessful life. 4 weeks ago out of the blue, my wife said whe was going to file for divorce because of this past mistake. We had been incredibly happy together and this has devatated me. It happened so unexpectadly and suddenly and it has taken everyone by suprise. I and the kids are heartbroken. We were the perfect couple to all who knew us and I love her so deeply.

She has not yet informed her family of this which I think is a good thing. She is cold and distant when we do speak. We went to 2 counselling sessions and she said she will not go anymore. Last week was it she said. She was not participating she just kept saying she is done and she no longer wants to be married.

We have now been living apart for the last month and I am expecting to receive D papers any day. I do not know if she has someone else...she has gotten in great shape and been hitting the tanning booths....and looks great. I want to believe there isnt anyone..perhaps there was and it is now over...or if it is a mid-life crisis.

I groveled at first but have read DR and am trying to get a life and do a no contact (except when asked a question) 180.

Is there any hope or advice?

Smitty

Specs

Me 53, W 50
Married 30 years
Kids 21,25 (one married) both out of home
Living apart now
W now Refuses counseling
Informed me March 8th of this
I am new to posting so bear with me


Me: 53
W: 50
Married:30 years
Bomb Dropped: 3/8/2011 Wants D, ILYBINILWY
S21, D25 both out of home
Now seperated
Nothing filed yet
I made mistake 16 yrs ago
Very happy since..til 3/8


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Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.( I undertand you already probably did this if so disregard)

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This is my ultra brand new and improved list of links.

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

The link for the resources:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1539436

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Doormat tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Why they run:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=67406&page=1

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...6668#Post526668

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=714209

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...403#Post2074403

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

The stages of MLC are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively.
It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena).
So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process.(Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what she says and 50% of what she does.

I would not ask her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your W as controlling or pressure.


Lets not worry about her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
GAL.
Detach.
Use the time that your W has given you as a gift to
start to work on yourself.


Me-68, D36,S35
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Smitty did anything... happen 4 weeks ago? Anything that was significant to your wife?



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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Smitty,

Welcome to the MLC board.

Some questions for you. When did your youngest leave your home? Is your W going through menopause? Did you feel as though your W truly forgave you for your betrayal?

After you answer Jack's question, I like to ask if there was a significant happening in your lives or your W's life in the last 12 to 18 months?

Can you tell us what your W's childhood was like?

Sorry for all the questions and we're not trying to be nosy here, but the more we know about your sitch the more advice we can offer.

How are you doing with all of this? What are you doing for yourself?

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There was no incident....we had been very happy and committed. I did begin however to notice a change and right at the end of February she became cool and I became a little uneasy. In talking to her friend...she also stopped contact with her....This is what is so frustrating. We never argued or were cold we enjoyed each others company and then Wham


Me: 53
W: 50
Married:30 years
Bomb Dropped: 3/8/2011 Wants D, ILYBINILWY
S21, D25 both out of home
Now seperated
Nothing filed yet
I made mistake 16 yrs ago
Very happy since..til 3/8


Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 15
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1. Youngest left about a year ago

2 Yes I had believed that the past was buried and behind us.

3. w's Childhood was good. Her parents have been married 50 years....

4. My wife began working out about a year ago. I had a big Holiday party with a bunch of big wigs and she wanted to look nice for me at that. For the last 3 years my job keeps me away during the week but we get together on the weekends. She used to spend more time with me here but that was not fair to her.....but no there really has not been anything other than Daughter getting married 18 months ago and son moving out 1 year ago.

I have read DR and am have had 2 phone consultations so far.

as for GAL: I have hit the gym...lost 30 lbs...getting in great shape my self. Plan on picking Scuba diving bak up and going to church again

I am however feeling devastated and coping 1 day at a time. I love her and miss her terribly.

Hope this helps...thank you for listening


Me: 53
W: 50
Married:30 years
Bomb Dropped: 3/8/2011 Wants D, ILYBINILWY
S21, D25 both out of home
Now seperated
Nothing filed yet
I made mistake 16 yrs ago
Very happy since..til 3/8


Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 15
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I forgot to mention that She is going/gone thru menopausre. She is using this natural therapy that she rubs on her wrist to help balance her hormones. She gets it from this Natural Pharmacy. It made a difference for her physically in her hot flashes got better and she felt like being intimate more easily.

I an my daughter wonder if there is not something wrong hormonally...she says she is fine but no one recognizes her

Thanks again


Me: 53
W: 50
Married:30 years
Bomb Dropped: 3/8/2011 Wants D, ILYBINILWY
S21, D25 both out of home
Now seperated
Nothing filed yet
I made mistake 16 yrs ago
Very happy since..til 3/8


Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,971
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Hey Smitty,

You are here with plenty of others in the same predicament. It's a horrible place to be, but better for you that you have found this place and these people.

First, you never have to lose hope. The only thing you can control is yourself and your actions. Regardless of your wife's actions, papers served, whatever, you have control of yourself.

Second, take care of yourself. Don't throw yourself body and soul into this and forget you have to take care of YOU.

There's almost always someone here on the board to listen to you when you feel like talking, or screaming, or ranting.

Take care.


ME: 54
Him: 51
M: 20 years T: 21 years
OW/New wife: 36
Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36)
Bomb: March 4, 2010
He Filed: April 28, 2010
I Contested: May 1, 2010
Standing Down: 11/24/10
Divorced : 05/04/2011
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,307
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Smitty, I am sorry you are here. I've been going through this hell since October.

[quote]She is using this natural therapy that she rubs on her wrist to help balance her hormones. She gets it from this Natural Pharmacy.[quote]

Actually, I would have to wonder about this. My W started doing the same thing at the end of June. By July, she was a different person. Just a heads up.

Tad


Currently:
M 54 XW 55
Sons 35,31,29,27

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,307
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Smitty, I am sorry you are here. I've been going through this hell since October.

Quote:
She is using this natural therapy that she rubs on her wrist to help balance her hormones. She gets it from this Natural Pharmacy.


Actually, I would have to wonder about this. My W started doing the same thing at the end of June. By July, she was a different person. Just a heads up.

Tad


Currently:
M 54 XW 55
Sons 35,31,29,27

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
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