jack3beans is another story worth reading and he's around here somewhere as a moderator too.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
One less wife Bringing up the past is just another way of fighting dirty. Just stop the fight, ask her to calmly explain how the past event has bearing. If she won't or she can't, then tell her that repeating the past will not bring future solutions to present problems.
If she brings up past events she is most likely either feeling vulnerable, and wants to regain the upper hand, or in her mind the two events are linked. If she can't express how the two events are linked. Then tell her you are interested in working WITH her to find a solution to present problems.
IMHO once she starts bringing up the past she is too angry to be able to find a good compromise solution with you. So just table the argument to prevent the fight. Now if your wife is one of those that complains that you never listen go ahead and let her vent, and validate where appropriate. Don't let her unfairly blame you, once she does calmly step away. it's a tough balance and every sitch is different, just remember that whatever you do always do it with love.
Don't hold back, 25yearsmlc...tell me how you really feel...
You are right, of course, about my pestering and I have made a very deliberate effort to stop it. The mood in the house changed almost immediately; I could sense W's relief at not having to defend herself every minute.
My lack of patience has always been a problem; probably one of the reasons we are where we are. One of the mantras I have read on these boards that is helping me deal with everything more effectively is "Will it help the situation?" (I'm paraphrasing, not sure of the exact wording) As I had posted previously, my snooping resulted in a lose/lose situation, and I am refraining from any more of that.
Bruised ego and pride? Absolutely. The thoughts that ran through my head for weeks were the same ones everyone else here had experienced at some point, I assume..."How could she do this to me?" "What does he give her that I don't?" "How could she lie to me about everything for so long?" Etc, etc, etc...the reason I italicized the above phrases is that I realize I have been looking at all of this as only how it affects me, and not trying to figure out what brought us here.
So it is all starting to sink in. I still sting when W shuts herself away in her home office or her bedroom with her phone, but I have resigned myself to the fact that I can do nothing about that. To be living in the same house and yet have no emotional or physical connection is painful, and sometimes I wonder if a true separation would be easier to handle, but I am grateful that it has gone no further than this. I am learning the "as if" way of living and it is helping, and I am still working at being a better man.
Thanks to all for your continued replies and comments.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
"Don't hold back, 25yearsmlc...tell me how you really feel..."
She is one of the best. If you have been fortunate enough to have her follow you and advise you, make the most of it and really listen and apply it.
K
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
OK, fellow DBers, I'd like to read your thoughts about this situation...
As I mentioned in my sig line and in a few posts I have a SS21 who is severely autistic (W's youngest S). He is very active, has severe OCD and needs constant supervision. He can also tend to get very angry and aggressive; not to the point of hurting anyone but destroying - not just damaging, but actually destroying - anything within reach, such as furniture, electronics, etc.
I am writing this so you will have a small understanding of the added stress our M has endured in addition to all of the other factors. Anyway, SS21 has been more agitated lately and has been more difficult to control. I am there as often as I can be so that W can have a "back-up" in case things get out of hand, and also so that W can maintain her work schedule. And I've always done that, so this is not a "new" behavior. I often rearrange my time so I can be there for him and for her. However, W has always been very protective of him, and often steps in to "take over" when I need to restrain him or keep him from acting out with inappropriate behavior.
Within the last several weeks, though, W has been detaching herself from him by spending a lot of time either in her home office ( with door closed) or in her bedroom (with door closed). So SS21 is left to his own devices, which means I usually have to monitor his actions, redirect him from inappropriate behavior and generally act like the home guard. W says she is playing games with other people on her phone - I resist the urge to say something very sarcastic to her, and frankly I am caring less and less what she is doing on her phone, or who she is doing it with. But it appears that not only has she checked out of our M but she is also checking out of family life.
Dealing with a special needs child is indescribably stressful for anyone involved, and I have always given her great credit for doing as good a job as she has done with SS21. With these new behaviors she is exhibiting, I have said nothing to her that is the least bit critical or accusatory; I am concerned that she is reaching her limit in dealing with everything - long workdays, our M situation, the ongoing stress of dealing with SS21 and whatever status her EA is in.
BUT...at what point do I stand up and say, "You can't just drop out of this race and leave me to pick up the pieces"? I am starting to think that she is using me as a good excuse to do just that. In her first M she "ran away from home" to her sister's house in another state for about a week because she could not handle the responsibilities any more. It looks like the same pattern is developing again. I'm trying to uphold my role and responsibilities as a good stepfather - and H - but I do not want to be regarded as the 24/7 live-in nanny.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
Don't get me started with special needs and all that. It's been part of my life from pretty much the very beginning. I was involved with a local group as far back as the early 70s as my grandmother was a director of a facility. I have always had people with special needs as friends. And... my W's job is directly related to this work, as well. I won't get into that... anyhow...
Here's the thing. I don't know the legal jurisdiction you are in, but here, there are laws regarding special needs and so on and so forth. What local or regional resources are you currently drawing on, for support? When a kid that my W and I supported a few years ago reached 21, we advocated (with his parents) his own independent living with full supports and he moved out on his own.
It sounds like your SS21 has similar needs to our friend's S and it was actually important that he move out of the family home, because his outbursts were getting very bad and not just destructive to objects, but to people (his family) as well. But there was NO WAY that we would have him placed in an institution! NO WAY!!!! So we found an alternative. And he has adjusted very well.
Geeze... there's so much I'd like to talk to you about this and it is not even related to your sitch, although I can tell you that your SS21 is certainly reacting not just to his own desire for independence and separation from the family unit, but as much because of the disruption to his "normal" life. He is acting out, and what you are describing is nothing less than what I would expect.
Man... this is one of those times where I really do wish I could direct you to resources to help out. And I will tell you to h3ll with what your W might say about it. Maybe that's not fair to your W and whether she would be supportive. But what she is doing is ABSOLUTELY disrupting your SS21's life and your M troubles are a catalyst to his acting out.
KD, unfortunately SS21 will never be able to live on his own or even in a group home setting; his moods are too volatile, and in the 11 years we have been together he has been dismissed from 3 programs because of his repeated outbursts. He is currently attending a local day program for special-needs adults, and the staff is used to working with more challenging cases such as his.. Pennsylvania has good funding resources so we have been fortunate to have these programs available.
I do not want to paint a picture of W as negligent. She has been remarkable in her level of patience, empathy and understanding, and has sacrificed a lot of personal time and goals to care for SS. And there, I think, is the problem. I see her in stages of a MLC, and she has just had enough. Last night I overheard her talking to her sister and she said, "I'm tired of everyone." I sympathize with that; it's taken a toll on our M, as you can imagine. 2 days ago SS was up-awake-for over 24 hours; it's just part of the autism. And if he's awake, we are all awake. Yesterday he and W got into a tiff and he then ran out of the house while she was in the bathroom. Had to call the local police to help look for him.
My frustration is not a result of her exhaustion or her desire to check out, but what do I do to keep the situation from getting worse? If I say anything about what I see as a possible problem, she lights up and tears into me. That has been going on since day one. Any comment, by anyone, is perceived by W as a criticism of her parenting. For now, I offer help in any way and continue to take up the slack as needed.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
I understand as much as I can, regarding your sitch with SS21. And I am happy that he is at least in a day program where he has good care. One of the things we have around here is respite, which is a pocket of money which allows for support so that the parents can have a break from time to time.
There's an amazing quote from a man labeled with learning disabilities. He said to his workers at an institution: "Is it that I cannot learn, or that you cannot teach?" It is the belief of many and that understanding is growing, that everyone is entitled to and capable of independent living. The question is, was your SS21 dismissed because he could not be supported, or because they did not know how to deal with his outbursts? I mean, common... you guys haven't kicked him out of the house and sent him to an institution...
OTOH, regarding your W. I accept your defense of your W with respect to your SS21. I can appreciate where she is regarding trying to figure out how to care for herself right now, never mind the support (parental love) he needs and desires. Like any child who's parent(s) might "check out", they will feel the loss and will act out. I also applaud your stepping up to fill in the support during this time, as well as before.
I need to stress (and question) is his behaviour the same as it always has been? Or are you seeing a difference recently. And understand that behavioural changes with people who have autism is as normal as behavioural changes with people who do not have autism.
I'm sorry to push this, and while I would not consider myself anywhere near an expert, this has been a part of my life for pretty much as long as I remember, as I've said before. There is not a single case where an individual with an intellectual label cannot be supported appropriately outside the family home and outside an institution. Some parents and "professionals" sometimes just need to look a little further and a little deeper to see the value and opportunity. And then... like your W (and you to a certain extent)... the parents need to step up and step back and allow their children to move forward with their lives. Tough in a normal situation, sometimes moreso in the case of special needs, because of the overwhelming care requirements as the children are growing up in the times we have lived in, with respect to how we understand special needs.
If you wish me to stop talking about this, please let me know. I will honour that. I am just trying to help you (and eventually your wife) that there ARE solutions and support options for your SS21, even if they currently do not exist in PA or your specific area. IIRC, PA has a decent program and they are making great strides forward.
In the mean time, a disrupted program (or as some may say, change in "routine") will affect anyone, and especially affects people who have autism. The outbursts and changes in behaviour may be related to your wife "checking out" or they could just be changes within the individual as an indicator that they are attempting to grow and become more independent or are looking for stimulation elsewhere.
Your W may never want to accept that your SS21 can receive "proper support" elsewhere, especially considering past track records. But with new information and resources and a team (we create "support networks" here) who is willing to help your SS21, he can have the supports he needs and reduce the pressures of the parents and family. And it is NOT a criticism of her parenting. Her response is "normal" and is witnessed on a fairly regular basis. It's whether she is open (how she receives the information, perhaps) to the new ideas of support.
Your SS21 needs a support network to move forward with his life... and your W (and you) needs that as well... Look into that and you may find exactly what he needs and is looking for. The support network is filled with people who range from those who can directly support him, as well as friends, family, and professionals... These people exist, so do programs that can help develop this for your SS21.
KD, I do appreciate your comments, but the issue - at least on this forum - is not SS21's situation or future, but how to deal with W's increasingly indifferent attitude.
This morning I woke up, got my morning coffee and felt like I could not care any less if W stayed or left. I've had that sense before, but it was not very strong. But today...it was not anger, or sadness, or hurt. Just apathy toward our R. Tomorrow I might feel different; I don't know. I've read in other threads that if the LBS were to meet the WAS for the first time, without any history or warm fuzzy memories, they would probably not pursue a relationship.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
That feeling of abject indifference is not unusual. Maybe it's a coping mechanism- who cares?
It can help. And it makes sense. I'd look into KaffeDiems words though b/c I cannot help but think that autistic SS is a HUGE problem. Anything that helps there...what was the long term plan for him anyhow?
Dang, I feel for both of you...nightmare...sorry buddy.
It does put another spin on your w's issues. MLC? Um, try "break down".
It's like having a sleep deprived giant toddler running around with a razor blade...geezuz rice...
Will post more later. Can your w see someone? Maybe meds...not for ss, for HER and YOU...yikes.
Sorry
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
