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I dunno. Would you normally do that if everything was good? Are you to the point where you can act "as if" and do something like that? Sometimes I wonder if I'da done more of that, I wouldn't be having the problems I'm having today.

Not saying do it, but how do you know that's something you shouldn't do?


"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."
- Maria Robinson

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T: 17 M: 14 Kids: D9
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I would have definitely done that if things were good. We always used to meet at the door for a big cuddle and kiss. But a few weeks ago she said it was muddying the water too much as it was a couple thing to do, and we're not a couple.

I held my line though and didn't. She came in and asked about my day (I made souffle for the first time, and it was a success!), she commented on the pic of them I posted on FB and then we had a tiny bit of small talk and I kissed her on the forehead with a brief run of my hand through her hair and went to bed whilst she finished her bourbon.

Slipped up this morning though. She was meant to be up at 0430 to drive down south for work and I could hear her alarm going off in the other room repeatedly. Eventually I got up and stood at the open door and said with a wry grin "'surname' if you don't get up right now I will get in there with you!" She mumbled and I repeated it a bit louder standing by the side of the bed. She woke up and I told her her alarm had been going off for ages and she apologised profusely and I gave her a hand to pull up out of bed before going back.

Before she left she came in to say goodbye, have a good evening (staying at a buddy's house for catch up in the 11hrs between my shifts) and was stroking the purring cat lying on my chest. She asked why I was awake, and I said I'd had bad dreams and was lying there wondering if she'd left for work yet or not as all the cats seemed to be in my room. I grabbed her hand after she said have a good evening and said "you too. I love you." She gave me a kiss on the forehead and left.

The weird thing is, the friendliness, the friendly touch, the friendly peck on the forehead or cheek has never disappeared from her. Just the intimate romantic one. The one that says I want to be your life partner, not just a good friend. The one that says I know you intimately, every nook and cranny.

I don't know how to get that back. She's clearly more settled and happier whilst we are sleeping in seperate rooms.

Just hope the MC can do something on Monday to help her decide to reconcile. I think if we have a common goal, a common plan, then we're both the kind of people that are determined and hard working and will get there.


Reality is that which, if you don't believe in it, doesn't go away.
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This is new territory for me. Last time I went pretty much straight to NC and then to divorce.

I have no idea how to handle this. Do I pull away or do I start to encourage touch and couple type behaviour? I'm struggling to find objective evidence of which is better. Sleeping seperate has settled her down a bit. But she didn't recoil to me kissing her forehead and often asks to sit on the sofa with me. She doesn't say "I love you" but didn't seem to be disgusted with me saying it this morning, in fact she did that 'hold hand as long as possible whilst walking away' thing.


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Survived another day. Today came home to a very pleasant gf. She said she wanted to just chat, and grinned at me a lot. Fetched me a beer when she was up on her feet without me saying anything and was really pleasant. I even had a hug.

I asked her how she was feeling about counselling on Monday. She said she was still angry with the counsellor but felt OK about going to it. I asked how she felt about me having backed off totally in terms of contact and time and she said she felt a lot less guilty. It was all light hearted and quite pleasant. She's now out for curry with her mates. There had definitely been more direct questions from her in the last few days about what I've been up to and who with, and what I've talked to them about.

Is this decrease in guilt good or bad? I'm still swinging madly between hope and despair. This morning I felt terrible and was scared of driving home, yet when I got here, it was actually very decent. I guess she could've invited me for dinner, but I don't usually do that after a 12 hr shift anyway.


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That sounds to me like progress. Keep doing what works, even if it seems counter intuitive.


"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."
- Maria Robinson

M: 45 WAW: 36
T: 17 M: 14 Kids: D9
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Today another 180. Totally different clothes to usual. Don't do that often, usually at home in jeans or tracksuit or working in glorified pyjamas, unless it's a special occasion. Feeling very smart and summery at the same time.

Last night was interesting. I played guitar when I got home as I had a rubbish day at work and needed to destress. She sang along whilst doing a bit of work on the computer. We had dinner together - she suggested it, and a very small relationship talk whilst she was ironing before bed.

She asked about the houses I'd been looking at, and how I was feeling about the whole moving thing. I told her I wasn't moving at the moment, although had seen a few lovely places. I told her I agreed with what she said 3 weeks ago about mixed messages of wanting to work at things and then packing. I explained it was just self preservation, and being ready to go should I need to. I asked her how she felt about me still being here in the her house, and she said it was awkward the first few minutes every time, but after that it was fine and comfortable. I told her how frustrating things are for me at the moment, because I know what I want, and thus feel the need to formulate a plan to get there. And that I'm not done with this relationship yet. She doesn't know what she wants (finally admitted it, hurrah!). I told her it was frustrating not being able to do or say what I want to do or say in her presence. I said I wasn't sure if I would be able to move out and not consider the relationship totally over and just start afresh in a totally seperate life. It would be weird. She asked why, and I couldn't really answer that.

She talked a lot about her day in the garden with her Mum and organising a leaving do for one of her colleagues. Showed me all the silly presents the office had made and bought.

Neither of us know what to expect at counselling, but she does want to go. I asked if she thought she might go again and she said "I don't know, it depends what happens tomorrow" but with a very positive face and tone.

Only 9 hours to go!


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Keep up the good work lees. Sounds like you're getting somewhere.


"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."
- Maria Robinson

M: 45 WAW: 36
T: 17 M: 14 Kids: D9
ILYBNILWY: 6/2010
W left: 2/2011
W back: 2/2012
Joined: Mar 2010
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Well I think I'm done now. Time to move out, move on. Shame that the house I really liked has already been rented.

MC last night was interesting. She seems to want me to have heard stuff she then admitted she'd never even tried to say. She doesn't ever want to be "looked after", doesn't ever want to be reliant on anyone, and is 85% sure the relationship is over. Still no further clues about what I've done wrong other than possibly not being viewed by her as open enough to talk to about the things she didn't want to talk about. She did the same in previous relationships also it seems. She still doesn't think feelings can be changed by actions, or that she'll ever feel "in love" again.

She wants to be friends. She likes spending time with me, likes that we have similar hobbies, thinks I understand her, and finds me intellectually stimulating. She doesn't believe that you should ever have to compromise on any of your wants or needs in a partner. The latter is the biggest red flag for me. I told her she was welcome to a single life if that is the case.


Reality is that which, if you don't believe in it, doesn't go away.
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Still not sleeping well, not doing much revision and generally feeling like I'm going to be the last 30 something left on the shelf. Funny how I've been successful at everything else in life except the thing I want the most - a family and stable relationship. Even applying as much research and effort to that as I have to the other parts of my life doesn't seem to have borne fruit.

Onwards with the house hunting.


Reality is that which, if you don't believe in it, doesn't go away.
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Anything new to report lees?


"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."
- Maria Robinson

M: 45 WAW: 36
T: 17 M: 14 Kids: D9
ILYBNILWY: 6/2010
W left: 2/2011
W back: 2/2012
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