Need to take care of me instead of marriage.

[ginab1966]

Oldtimer…..if you are still out there floating around somewhere. I’d love to hear from you. I hope all is well in your neck of the woods.

HELLO! to all of my fellow DB'ers:

I think my last post was over a year and a ½ ago. My marriage was pulled back from the brink of divorce and here we are, living with little to no intimacy as co-parenting/co-habiters. We don’t communicate about anything other than our daughter’s needs, what we should do with the house, finances, etc. We do have random conversations about a Facebook post or interaction over a TV show we are watching, etc. We go to counseling twice per month to deal with issues on communication and we have made some improvements in that area. It’s really very hard to articulate what our relationship is. I be candid, as is my nature, and say that I think about leaving every day…but I don’t….and I know I won’t. It won’t solve anything because no matter where I go, there I’ll be and though I want to blame him for everything, the truth is that my issues are just as big as his. I need help…I need to work on me.

This is my issue. I need a break from worrying about the marriage and the ground we stand on. I need a break from stressing about how damaged out child will be because we are not modeling a loving relationsip. I am proud that we definitely model for her civility, compassion, care, concern and, on a good day, even teamwork. The bottom line is that I just need to focus on me. I know that this is even one of the things that is recommended. How do you stay focused on you, off the marriage and leave the house to work out, or go to meetings when the people in your life don’t support what you are doing? Tell me what any of you might say to yourself to get you past that hurdle. For me this is so important. I need to stop focusing on him. Stop waiting for him to get off the computer and pay attention to me. Stop waiting on him to show me the slightest bit of affection. Stop waiting for me to be given permission to get my life in order. I know that I can blame everyone all I want but the truth is, no one is truly stopping me, not really. It’s just me against me. But this is how I role, I’m the martar and then I blame others for not having a life. Not good…but at least I’m aware, right? There may be some pushback and eye rolling and he may be someone miffed when I come home but I need to find a way to love myself enough to put myself first without his moods effecting me. Now you can probably tell why I attended CODA mettings. You know the whole adage about the oxygen mask…put it on yourself first. My marriage is not healthy but that doesn’t mean that I can’t be. In the end, we pulled it out of the fire and I know he is trying his very, very best. He has issues, I have issues. We’re both trying hard. We are just very different people. His ADHD and lack of attention on me is the worst trigger for my issues of co-dependance and lack of self worth. I applaud us for at least being “in the game” for our daughters sake. But none of this is enough for me. I’m still broken and need some serious piecing….not of my marriage…but of myself.

Thanks everyone. It’s so nice to know that I have this “family” to come back to. You are all incredibly strong, brave people who have so much great wisdom. So, lay it on me!!!!


Gina B

[FindingMyVoice]

Hi Gina, I'm obviously not Oldtimer but some of your post resonated with me; in a lot of ways I was in a similar spot about a year ago. Thought I'd throw this out there in case it helped.

How do you stay focused on you, off the marriage and leave the house to work out, or go to meetings when the people in your life don’t support what you are doing? Tell me what any of you might say to yourself to get you past that hurdle.

When I'm in that place, I tell myself that I don't have to 'feel' like or necessarily 'want' to go do a particular activity, in order to go do it. It's getting out the door that's the hardest. After that, you're whistling and you'll be glad you went. And that will make the next time you go out that much easier.

For me this is so important. I need to stop focusing on him. Stop waiting for him to get off the computer and pay attention to me. Stop waiting on him to show me the slightest bit of affection. Stop waiting for me to be given permission to get my life in order.

I think that when YOU start paying attention to you, he will likely begin too. Be kind to yourself. Stop beating yourself up for waiting for him to give you permission, and ask yourself instead, WHY are you waiting for him to give you permission? Don't you think your own permission to get your life in order is enough? Take care, FMV.