Where Does it stop!!

[fb2]

<< "Someone once said to me.. people saying they are gonna go.. are not gonna go. They just want people to tell them to stay."
Kind of like the people who threaten suicide and like the terrorists. My W threatened D at every turn and bump in the road. I think that it was a way to antagonize me so that she could blame me for the wayward path she was going to take anyway.

<< My needs.. are honestly just gone now Jack. I am just trying to "find" something to hold onto. I suspect that if she walked up tomorrow and told me she would fulfill all my "needs".. I would pass. How is that for honesty?
I hate the term "passive aggressive" because it seems like such a "put down" at least to me. So let's put it another way. Are you skillfully communicating your feelings to her and asking for what you need? Looks like your W has been putting the kids needs before yours. What does the wonderful C say about this?

Looks like things have gotten beyond repair?

(BTW: In my case, I've not only shut the door as tightly as possible and I've changed the locks, i.e, I avoid her like the plague)

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Forrest,

In your example about the texting and the beach.

"I did not respond. Mainly because I have been clear that it needs some face time.. or at they very least some cell minutes. I heard exactly nothing from that point on."

Now, I'll admitt to not knowing how old your D is, figure teenager?

And I only offer advice from having a teenage son, and not judging you.

I would have texted back:

"Call me about this."

My son is the smartest dumb kid I know. He'll push and push boundaries to see where he can establish beachheads.

Supposition:
You not answering, in any manner, upset your day.
"She should know better."

And, point in fact, to me, it is a bit passive aggresive.
Yes, she knows better, you told her (insert number) times.
It's disrespectful...
So you 'showed' her by not responding and being pi55ed off about it.

For me, when I think: (Blank) should know better; I have started to wonder if maybe I shouldn't have defined the boundary or consequences better.

The silent thing doesn't work. Not for me and mine. Not for me because I'm not willing to stifle crap and let it fester. Not for mine because...hey Dads maybe pi55ed, but I got to do what I wanted.


Passive Aggresive... : )Sorry FB2, It IS a put down. The behavior is beneath us. It is the path of the weak and insidious. It is vengeful, but with slow posion, spite and malice.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Forrest,

I can't and won't try and convince you to stay married. That's some heavy lifting I don't have the energy for. There has to be something on your end to support or help with your decision or even desire to be married.

I have 2 things that stood out from your last post:

Then I got that "people must bow down and kiss your feet". Lets just say there were lot's of FU's from me after that.

Seems like she hit a nerve. Said something that stung.

You know MLC is really where I came into my own. Not sure if you followed me over there, one of the bigger things I believe in:

If something "Stings"?

You need to look at it, and figure out why.

The basic example is: If you're fat and NOT ok with being fat, and I call you fat. One I'm an asshat and brutally honest. Two it is going to 'sting' /hurt you.

If you're fat and ok with your body image, and I call you fat. It won't sting and I'm still an asshat, but brutally honest.

If you're skinny or in shape, and I call you fat, I am not only talking aout of my butt, but it is isn't going to sting; more than likely you're going to laugh in my face.


If something 'stings' we owe it to ourselves to figure out why something can hurt us, usually its because someone forced us to look at ourselves in light we don't like being seen in.


"I am just trying to "find" something to hold onto. I suspect that if she walked up tomorrow and told me she would fulfill all my "needs".. I would pass. How is that for honesty?"

Pretty honest.

How hard are you looking Forrest? Because I'm wondering if you aren't going through the motions of the "right thing to do".

So...ignoring the fact that, if she 'magically' came up to you and said, I'll fulfill all your wishes and you'd turn her down.

What are you trying to 'find'?

If you don't know the thing you're looking for if you don't know your goal. It wouldn't matter if she turned into a 25 year old, yoga instructor with a libedo from an X-rated movie. If that's not what you want...

If you cannot figure out what you are wanting to find, what you need;

How can you hold that against her?

[DumpedforMIL]

We have never gotten to the "core" issues. We both hold a "grudge" so to speak. I think she is "crazy" she thinks I am "hard headed"

address the core issues.
why are you trying to save your marriage and holding a grudge at the same time. to me, the grudge sabotages your efforts to save your marriage. so i question what your true motive is here.

i also sense a lot of mind-reading.

If I look at it from my point of view I think she places too much value on "I am not doing enough for the kids".

mind-reading

It is almost like her overwhelming desire to make me a better father is driving me away. I mean I kinda need a little bit of direction. I mean if I am doing well should there not be some indication that I am doing well? I don't beat them. I have never discouraged them from doing anything. I have "given" them things I did not think they deserved.

being a good father is a personal choice with no expectations. i'm a good friend because i choose to be. i don't expect my friends to thank me 10 times a day or bring me gifts when i help them out or give them advice they may not want to hear. i want what's best for others .. i'm happy with my choices whether or not i get thanked.

when you set expectations like that .. passive-aggressive.

I bring the expectation that when "that" happens people should see the value in it.

really? people *should* see it? and if they don't? you can't control what others "see" or don't "see".

My W then told me that me not responding made her (W) sad. Things start to go a little sideways here. I get that my W may be sad about my "no response" but she is completely disregarding that "we" have said "texting is not acceptable".

that's tit-for-tat. what about validating her feeling sad?

My W telling me that she was sad.. most likely elevated my tone somewhat. I again indicated that I would make it more clear to D that this was not the way to ask permission. Then I got that "people must bow down and kiss your feet". Lets just say there were lot's of FU's from me after that.

since you like setting expectations, what were you expecting to accomplish by dropping f-bombs?
what does the "people must bow down and kiss your feet" comment supposed to accomplish? both of you need a time out.

All she wants to be is happy. I will assure you that I have not seen happy in her eyes in a long time.

then let her go. you're wasting each other's time by staying in this miserable marriage. you'll be happier and so will she. it's win-win.

I read the other stuff you wrote. I am discounting it somewhat. I know in my heart that she can "see" the value I bring.

i will discount that because it's mind-reading.
above, you say she keeps pointing out the areas that you fail in. that she puts too much value on you not doing enough for the kids.

what "value" does she see? cuz to me, she doesn't see the value you bring and you know it. you are fooling yourself to think that she does 'see' it.

honestly, i don't know what you are trying to get at.

She very likely would never find someone like me. I can't say that I would have any better luck than her in that same search.

well, there is only one of you and one of her.

We had a talk tonight about I am done and do not want this anymore. She needs to decide whether we need to get the L involved or can we do this smartly.

waiting for her to decide? if you were truly done, you'd go to the lawyer yourself. (ahh, i get it - you're trying to make me say .. your actions don't match your words .. that's why people should believe 50% of what the person does and ignore 100% of what the person says.)

smartly? if you think she's crazy, how do you expect her to do this 'smartly'?

Someone once said to me.. people saying they are gonna go.. are not gonna go. They just want people to tell them to stay.

I am still not sure I totally agree with that.

not even sure why you threw that in because you clearly stated that if she said she would fulfill all your needs, you'd pass. so even if she wanted you to beg her to stay, you wouldn't anyway. so what was the point of that statement?

[fb2]

Looks like you got hit on the head with some 2x4's. Is that why you are incommunicado? So, what's going on with you and the old lady?

[Forrest Gump]

"Looks like you got hit on the head with some 2x4's. Is that why you are incommunicado? So, what's going on with you and the old lady?"

I expected 2x4's FB. Interesting that they came from 2 different directions.

Flat out.. I am just busy. Busy dealing with "this" crap.. plus work.

I have read it. I read it right as it was posted. I went to the C session and have been looking at "places" to stay. I just have to get the time to post. Nothing personal.. just absorbing and watching.

I mean if I am being honest.. I still have the whole Co-Dep argument to work thru with SC. And there was 1 or 2 other posts in there that I have to respond to.

[fb2]

<< I still have the whole Co-Dep argument to work thru with SC.
What do you mean? I must have missed something.

[Forrest Gump]

This SC FB2...

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2152987#Post2152987

Sorry.. after I posted "SC" I kinda thought that you might think about the other one.

I actually kinda LOL a bit that they had the same letters. Maybe I should make the new one S_C.

[fb2]

So, what's the "co-dep" argument?

[Kalni]

I found you! Didnt realise you were still posting.

You know what my dear friend? You are sooooo stuck. Both of you but mostly you (mostly because I dont "talk to her").

So, what are we going to do? IMHO, you cant do much at this point. Because you sound like you dont have the energy to. I sense a lot of "entitlement", grudges, etc etc. Not in a vindictive way. In the way that most LBSs would feel if they had to face the same sh!t twice.

Take a break. Move out, calm down, really calm down, miss her and THEN save your M. Moving out may not follow the rule of not moving out your house but it follows the rule of "do something different and feel good about yourself again".

Drop the rope before you "kill it".

Wish I could help more.
xxx
K