I was on this board ALL the time about a year & a half ago. I couldn't figure out what the HECK STBX was doing. Said he didn't love me, wanted out of M, etc. I spied on him like crazy & could never find anything. I just thought I had somehow been this horrible wife wo ever knowing it. I had always pinpointed the 2 week timeframe in which his weirdness started to June of 2008. He dropped the bomb 1/09 & moved out 10/09. A couple months after I started hearing that he had a gf. I didn't really care bc I had a bf too that I met once we officially separated. I figured the same thing must have happened w/him. A couple more months go by, the kids meet her, but he never brings her around their sporting events or anything. I'm wondering is he embarrassed of her? What gives? Now we're at 8/10 & bf & I attend a concert & we see him pulling in too w/gf in front seat. I still couldn't see her. So we finally find them in the parking lot & when I walked up, the only way I can describe seeing her is feeling like I was in the middle of a tornado of puzzle pieces swirling around me & dropping to my feet answering all my questions. We had both met her (time of his weirdness beginning) Memorial Day weekend. On a family camping trip. To explain it, a friend of mine had invited us to her property where her & a big group of her HS friends would camp every year. So (let's call her Katie) was there too w/her family including H! We had hung out w/her the whole time! Then we went back on Labor Day weekend, she comes running up like we are her best friends & hangs out w/both of us again the whole time. That time, STBXH had gotten in trouble by me for coming back to the tent once at 4am. He had been w/Katie & supposedly stayed up playing beer pong...which some people were when I headed to bed at midnight...I was mad, but it was believable. At least at the time.
Still to this day, STBXH says they conveniently met AFTER him & I split...and she just so happened to have left her now XH as well. Yeah right.
I know it doesn't really matter but I guess my question is...Is there a difference between MLC & straight up affair?
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
I'm not sure that there's any difference -- an affair is an affair -- but the timeline you describe is EXTREMELY common. I think it's called "normalization." "Normalization" refers to the process a wayward spouse will go thru in order to get their circle of family and friends to accept their affair partner. It is VERY important to them that everyone do so, and it's typically part of their fantasy that "everyone will be okay," and "will all get along."
Rarely does a wayward spouse envision any push-back, or at least they vastly underestimate it.
It's also VERY much typical "script" for a cheating spouse to deny the existence of an affair partner, until some time later, AFTER the marriage is either divorced or formally separated. Then, "all of a sudden," the wayward spouse will announce to their family that "I've just met someone."
That's one of the risks of just leaving these things alone: the illicit relationship just deepens, and the wayward spouse is just blocked, emotionally, from seeing any of your positive changes.
Thanks for the response. I will tell you one thing I am not. Standing for my marriage or hoping he will see any positive changes. I have made positive changes and they are ALL for my new R, STBXH deserves NOTHING. I hate him & I'm out for blood. I could honestly care less if STBXH likes me or hates me. By the time this thing plays out, I'm sure it will be hate He made his bed...now he can sleep in it.
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
But you guys have 2 kids together. They will be learning everything from you and STBXH. If you have the anger and not forgive, they might end up growing thinking that 'to be angry is okay'. That might affect them as grown ups. They are still young and it would do a great good that you and STBXH are in good terms at-least for the kid's sake. Just my 2c.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
You can be very, very angry with with someone......
But it doesn't necessarily mean that you HATE them.
You are right about M though, it's not a triangle.
There's never room for a third person in M.
Take it one day at a time.
Emotions naturally affect us, but we do have the will and strength to overcome some of the ..... FOR OUR OWN GOOD,
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
I was wondering if there was a difference between someone who just had an affair & MLC? That's what I was looking for here.
Trust me, my kids will never know how I truly feel about their father. And who knows, maybe one day, I will forgive him. But you don't walk around treating the person you promised to love & cherish like an animal off the street & get away with it in my book.
I've been on these boards long enough to know. This crap doesn't work. Sorry to burst your bubbles, but what percentage of people on this board actually get their spouses back? I'd venture to guess that it's less than 10%. So you all can sit on here, wasting your lives away, hoping to hit it big off the lottery. Not me. I stood for my marriage for 6 months & the only thing I regret is not kicking him out the door the second he dropped the bomb.
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
What I was (and I believe others here too are) driving at is: if you continue to allow feelings of "hate" and other emotions "attach" you to your lying, cheating, SOB, spouse, You will never really be "free" of him/her or in other words "detach". If you truly want to "move on", you have to let it go in your mind and in your heart. In most cases "forgiveness" allows you to do that.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
I've been on these boards long enough to know. This crap doesn't work. Sorry to burst your bubbles, but what percentage of people on this board actually get their spouses back? I'd venture to guess that it's less than 10%. So you all can sit on here, wasting your lives away, hoping to hit it big off the lottery. Not me. I stood for my marriage for 6 months & the only thing I regret is not kicking him out the door the second he dropped the bomb.
I can understand that you feel this way.
Based on the tone of your response...I am not surpised it didn't work.
Sorry to be so blunt
BUT
I personally do not measure the success garnered by being here by whether the M is saved or not.
For me going through the process has changed my life.
That is not what I was seeking when I came here. I wanted to save my M.
So depends on how you look at it.
Your tactics didn't work? You didn't save your M because your H chose something else?
There are many reasons a M can fail but you only control the ones based on the choices you make.
The opportunity to look at the ones you made before the tragedy and how you handle it going forward...to be the person you want to be....
Not a victim of someone else's bad behavior.
Based on that...
the chances of success here are 100% for anyone choosing to endeavor to walk down that path.
Good luck to you.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
He made his bed...now he can sleep in it.