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I've been contemplating this one.

Accepting responsibility for relationship issues vs. responsibility for the divorce.

In my mind, I had or created some problems for the relationship. But if one is willing to always work on those, and they are workable-ie: no drugs/drinking/abuse/relations outside the marriage, then when the other party chooses to not work on their issues or the marriage and works for the divorce (unfortunatly, it does only take 1) then I'm not sure the party always willing to work on it shares the "blame" (if you will) for the D.

Whaddya all think on this? I'm still sifting all this through my head. And sifting...

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I kind of hear what what your are saying on this, but at the same time I don't. If that makes sense? LOL

If the "other" is in some type of life crisis, then you can't expect much from them at all. In other words, if you expect logic, then your expectations are too high.

As far as you being willing to work on your half of the problems YOU created, well that's where YOUR problem ends. Until they reach a point of clarity and look within to their issues, you really can't go beyond that.

As far as blame goes. Well, forgiveness is the gift you give yourself. What have you done differently for your 50% of the "shared" problem? You can work on you and fix you and pray for the other, but if you can't forgive, then it comes down to tick for tack and keeping score.

Yes, you get to the point where you feel secure that you have done everything YOU can, but if you resent them for their lack of work...then why did you work on yourself in the first place? Afterall, you came here to help you ultimately...whether to save the marriage first, then yourself right? I'm not saying this is what you are doing...I'm just adding my thoughts.

Again, I'm not really sure what you are saying/asking, but I'm going with my thoughts on what I THINK you are saying. smile

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I'm so glad you brought this up, dbs.

I contested my own divorce for many months. Stopped contesting in November, told him we needed to come to a settlement and move on. No movement since. We had a totally worthless meeting at the L's 2 weeks ago, got nothing accomplished, and not a word since then.

I have wavered back and forth between pushing for the thing, or just sitting back and letting him handle it. When I 'stood down' as I refer to it, I didn't say I was giving up on us, just stopping the legal wrangling involved in keeping the marriage together.

If I push, what does that make me??

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On one hand I think I've done darn well at the forgiveness thing. On the other...not nearly as well as I might think.

I don't EVER give it to her that she's blown up what I thought was a pretty decent marriage. I let her call me since the D final'd almost every day until last week. We had a discussion about it as I was staying with her while down in the Phx area as my Father was gravely ill.

Seems she was happy to have me there until I decided that I needed to leave and take all my stuff home and get ready for an impeding relocation 1000 miles away in Texas. She got upset that I may have been waiting for her to give the okay.

I guess in a way I've waited on her going on 4 years now to make some sort of decision and it dawned on me...she has.

My Father passed this morning and after this week and the funeral it looks like I'll be moving on. About time I guess.


Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

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