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A Message from Michele
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Re: Strength, Presence, and Compassion [Re: Concerned_Listener] #2147700
04/17/11 05:16 PM
04/17/11 05:16 PM
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,778
Ohio
Concerned_Listener Offline OP
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Concerned_Listener  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,778
Ohio
At our private dance lesson yesterday, our dance teacher observed that my W and I don't dance like partners. He states that we each have improved our skills, but it hasn't yet translated into partnership. He described us as having a pane of glass between us.

I thought it was an interesting observation given our intimacy issues. He was talking strictly in terms of dance technique. I have to use the upper body, and not just the feet to lead her towards where I want to go. Our teacher observes that we dance from the waist down, with virtually no upper body movement.

Maybe I can extrapolate relational issues from the dance issues, or maybe it's strictly a dance skill issue. I'm thinking that any progress made in terms of thinking relationally to improve a dance partnership will generalize into and improve the marital relationship. This applies to the presence aspect of my thread, in terms of continuing to get out of my head and more into the dance R, the marital R, and life itself.

CL


CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

----Tao Te Ching
Re: Strength, Presence, and Compassion [Re: Concerned_Listener] #2149028
04/23/11 04:27 PM
04/23/11 04:27 PM
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,778
Ohio
Concerned_Listener Offline OP
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Concerned_Listener  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,778
Ohio
My W had her second Healing Touch appointment. She noted that the practitioner had discovered some inflammation in her elbow from her weight training. She was impressed, so scheduled another one. The practitioner wants her to meet at least six times. The practitioner also said something about her energy being scrambled, and also finding something at the top of her head.

I'm working on getting a better attitude about her work situation. I need to not control the situation--whether she's procrastinating or healing or both.

We're keeping up with three days a week at the fitness center, 2-3 dance classes per week and private lessons bi-weekly. I agreed to one dance formation team (she wanted two) that is starting in May, and will perform at a local competition in August. I also agreed to work on three dances for that same competition in August. We'll work together to keep it affordable. I bought a a used stylish latin shirt and she is having dress made (gift from her mother). My W bought me some latin shoes with 1.5 " heels this winter. We find space at the fitness center to practice.

Are we moving forward or continuing to avoid intimacy? An optimistic viewpoint would say that we're creating fertile ground for intimacy to occur. Connection is certainly increasing. The dance partnership is growing. We have a newly created fitness partnership. I'm enjoying spending time with her. We spend a lot of time together, and it's become effortless.

There are unresolved problems--debt reduction, household cleaning, my W's insomnia, and underemployment, physical intimacy.

I'm not sure what we're going to do about our invitation to my family vacation on the east coast. It would be a 700 mile drive. Airline flights are high at this time. I'm conflicted about it. My family didn't design this vacation with us in mind. I need to make sure my W is priority. If it doesn't work for us, than we shouldn't go. I can visit my family in other ways.

CL


CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

----Tao Te Ching
Re: Strength, Presence, and Compassion [Re: Concerned_Listener] #2150464
04/30/11 03:45 PM
04/30/11 03:45 PM
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,778
Ohio
Concerned_Listener Offline OP
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Concerned_Listener  Offline OP
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Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,778
Ohio
My W mentioned to me that she would consider driving the 700 miles to the east coast to visit with my family. We would have to break up the trip. We can fuss in the car, if I'm not being conversational enough. I've been having my doubts about this trip, but maybe it will work out. Her level of commitment will determine if we go or not--I'm not going to force the issue.

I accompanied my W to her neice's ice skating event last night. On the way home (two hour drive), I became silent due to the fatigue of a long day. She hates sitting in a car, in the dark, without conversation. She threatened to take the wheel and drive herself. I told her I was tired, but she takes it personally, and views it as my being uncaring. I listened to what she said, and decided the best approach was to engage in conversation, even though I preferred silence. It worked, and I was able to have a pleasant car ride home.

CL


CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

----Tao Te Ching
Re: Strength, Presence, and Compassion [Re: Concerned_Listener] #2152402
05/07/11 01:48 PM
05/07/11 01:48 PM
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,778
Ohio
Concerned_Listener Offline OP
Member
Concerned_Listener  Offline OP
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Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,778
Ohio
I went to listen to a Marriage and Family therapist talk about Affairs and Betrayals. He works from the model of the author of "After the Affair." The first stage is restoring order to the M, the second is assessing what happened and putting together individual and relational plans, and the third is removing obstacles to moving forward. He says that it's a 2-5 year healing process from the point of disclosure of an EA or PA.

I would say that in my situation, order has been restored. The OP left town last summer, so we're coming up to a one year mark. I've taken a personal and relational inventory and have increased the connection in the R via joining a fitness center with my W, taking dance lessons with my W. I quit my business venture six years ago that took time away from the M, and now work 40 hours per week. My W has been working on her fitness and health, by attending personal training and fitness classes to improve health and body image. Physical intimacy remains unresolved relationally. Quitting smoking remains on her list.

I think the prognosis would be considered good at this time, that we'll be together after five years. I think the risk of an EA/PA is reducing.

CL


CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

----Tao Te Ching
Re: Nonjudgmental Awareness and Kindness [Re: Concerned_Listener] #2154314
05/14/11 03:25 PM
05/14/11 03:25 PM
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,778
Ohio
Concerned_Listener Offline OP
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Concerned_Listener  Offline OP
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Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,778
Ohio
My W and I had a conflict earlier in the week, when she was upset with me for being abrupt with her. It was a reaction to her earlier impatience about a minor transgression.

She is highly sensitive to my comments. I sometimes feel I'm supposed to be perfect, but that's a defensive comment. If I'm abrupt with ther, it means that I've slipped. Reacting to her impatience is not an excuse. I agree that if I create a minor injury for whatever reason, I have the responsibility of mending fences. Minor injury patterns left unresolved has lead to distance and conflict in the R in the past. I don't want to go back.

I sometimes get lazy about communication, due to fatigue or other reasons. She sits at home a lot and relies on our partnership for connection and stimulation. I have to remember to be relational when I'm with her. If I need space, I can more easily do that at home, where I can adjourn to the guest room to read or be on the computer.

CL


CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

----Tao Te Ching
Re: Nonjudgmental Awareness and Kindness [Re: Concerned_Listener] #2154631
05/16/11 04:21 PM
05/16/11 04:21 PM
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 535
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DownNotOut...yet Offline
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DownNotOut...yet  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 535
OK my friend. I admit to beating this into the ground but have you read the 5 love languages book yet? It sounds very much like her love languages are words of affirmation (we've covered this previously), and perhaps quality time.

When you compliment her, she beams. When you snap, she becomes very upset. When she is hurt she spews. They say we tend to feel love AND hurt according to our love languages. We also hurt others according to our love languages.

The quality time, it seems, she seeks with you but when she cannot get it, she goes elsewhere. This is probably gross over-simplification as I only joined here in 2007 so missed the earliest years of your posting. Still it may not completely miss the point.

I have no solution but food for thought. I don't think you can be a perfectly patient, eggshell dancer all the time, nor should you have to be. That said, if you had your words of affirmation working better, (more compliments etc...) she may feel more loved and more secure and not take it so badly when one of you has had a bad day or moment.


Me 44 She 46
S13 D9
M18 T23
3 years DB'ing
Successfully busted
Re: Nonjudgmental Awareness and Kindness [Re: DownNotOut...yet] #2155808
05/22/11 05:02 AM
05/22/11 05:02 AM
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 918
G
gutwrenching Offline
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gutwrenching  Offline
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Posts: 918
I'll second the 5LL book...read it, both of you, take the quizzes, learn your LLs and then start working on fulfilling them the correct way.

It is a quick and easy read.

It is even the first thing our MC had us do...


M39 W41
Two children
WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09
Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10
No longer piecing...Nov 10
Separation Jan 11
EA ends again Feb 11
Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Re: Accentuate the Positive [Re: DownNotOut...yet] #2155856
05/22/11 04:02 PM
05/22/11 04:02 PM
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,778
Ohio
Concerned_Listener Offline OP
Member
Concerned_Listener  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,778
Ohio
Originally Posted By: DownNotOut...yet
It sounds very much like her love languages are words of affirmation (we've covered this previously), and perhaps quality time.

When you compliment her, she beams. When you snap, she becomes very upset. When she is hurt she spews.

The quality time, it seems, she seeks with you but when she cannot get it, she goes elsewhere. . That said, if you had your words of affirmation working better, (more compliments etc...) she may feel more loved and more secure and not take it so badly when one of you has had a bad day or moment.


I agree. Thanks for pointing that out. When we entered our dark phase, I was lacking in both areas. The quality time has improved. Affirmation needs to be more frequent.

This week has been pretty smooth. I'm giving her space regarding her smoking and vocational issues. She's looking pretty tone these days. She's starting to put effort into monitoring what she eats. It looks like we're going to spend some time with my family this summer--first time in a long time.

CL


CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

----Tao Te Ching
Re: The Balm of Affirmation [Re: Concerned_Listener] #2157174
05/28/11 01:26 PM
05/28/11 01:26 PM
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,778
Ohio
Concerned_Listener Offline OP
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Concerned_Listener  Offline OP
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Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,778
Ohio
The trip to join my family is still undecided. I think we're both conflicted. We don't want to drive 700 miles each way in a car to spend three days and four nights. My W lookied into the area where we'd be staying, and found that the closes city is 90 miles away. I think my W would go "stir crazy." I know my parents would be disappointed if we didn't come, but I'm the one who would have to spend a week with an unhappy W.

My W has asked me to stop stocking the refrigerator with beer. She said that alcohol is a trigger for smoking. She's trying to cut down on smoking. I'm giving her space to work this out at her own pace. I get frightened when she has persistent coughing--possibly bronchitis or worse. I know it frightens her too, so I let the natural consequences work on her.

CL


CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

----Tao Te Ching
Re: The Balm of Affirmation [Re: Concerned_Listener] #2159206
06/07/11 02:53 AM
06/07/11 02:53 AM
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 5,927
calif
D
Dr LOve Offline
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Dr LOve  Offline
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Joined: May 2007
Posts: 5,927
calif
Hey Cl I missed "talking" to ya


And if I claim to be a wise man, well
It surely means that I don't know
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