I'm with the others. I truly don't understand how a parent, (man or woman)can live with themselves when they do this type of thing to their children.
To me, this is the difference between a MLC spouse and a WAS. Many times the MLC spouse is so wrapped up in themselves that no one else seems to matter, not even their own kids.
I also have to wonder if this is the reason some of them don't wake up. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to realize the damage I caused to my own flesh and blood.
I, also, can not believe that the man I watched tenderly care for our newborns on up, would have ever have gone completely opposite and run from the responsibility of raising them the rest of the way up. Even to the extent of blowing them off while they were crying to him about how he'd hurt them.
I know of the anger of which you speak. I understand not loving or wanting the spouse anymore. I can't and won't ever understand not wanting your own children. Not only not wanting them, but repeatedly inflicting pain on them with actions and words.
Thank God your children have you MHL. My thoughts and prayers for you and your kids.
I've just been catching up on your thread and I am also amazed. My friend works as a child advocate in the court system, and even the most drugged out, waste of oxygen Mom usually shows up to keep her kids.
First, Thank God your children have you. Do your best by them and you will be doing the best by yourself.
Second, I'd say quit trying to mend fences between your eldest and XW. Your D is old enough to decide this for herself at this point, and you need to be out of the middle.
Third, be a rock for your son. He probably has very scary abandonment issues.
Lastly, be good to yourself. Your XW has chosen her path. Let her follow it. If it is her choice to act like a spoiled child, there is nothing you can do about it, and as you said, you are not her father.
For now, I will say that is not who I am anymore. I was a complete ASSHAT prior to the bomb. I worked very hard for the changes in me and that is not who I am anymore.
There is so much more, but I need to sleep on it and visit back tomorrow.
Okay, a little sleep helps and certainly the coffee has kicked in and a boring sales meeting allowed me the time to think about this some more.
Blowing my XW out of the water for her poor parental decisions would be a bad idea now (post divorce) just as it would be a bad idea if I was still interested in reconciliation.
I have to ask myself the following.....
What do I reasonably expect the outcome to be?
How will she feel after I unload?
How will I feel after I unload?
Will it make a difference long term???
I am still dealing with a person in MLC, she is going to do whatever she wants to do, and even if I can somehow affect her behavior short term the changes will not have come from within her and will not be real.
Worst case scenario is that there is a relationship that forms YET AGAIN between my XW and my D14....and then the MLC kicks back in and my D14 gets hurt YET AGAIN......
I get mad AGAIN...
Originally Posted By: Truegritter
And anger you and upset your children.
This is the cycle that is repeating over and Over and OVER again.
I have spent much time running away from the storm of my XW's MLC, I have put that distance in place and I am at a safe distance...........FOR ME.
I forgot something............MY KIDS.
They are standing in the cyclone and they are getting plumeled.
I cannot stop the storm
I cannot snatch them away....(even though I would like to)
Originally Posted By: Truegritter
Help them detach from their mother's craziness.
Any way you need to.
Tell them she is sick right now and it is NOT about them.
You probably have done this but it seems that you must give up the hope that their mother will act responsibly with regard to their emotional needs for a mother.
This is what I have to do but I will say that it becomes a challenge as I have 2 children standing in 2 very different places.
Again thank you for the thoughts and prayers to all my friends here.......
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
I kinda think that you cant fix this for your children. And as parents, that is instinctively (unless you are MLC and/or broken) what we want to do. It makes us crazy that we cant.
Have no expectations where your wife is involved. Trust me, your D14 will know if you forced her mother to be in her life. That would not be good for her either.
As for your son, watch him closely. Sons tend to keep things inside and find it hard to tell their feelings.
It really is your xw's choice the kind of relationship she has with her kids.
I know you get the fallout from her choice. So, you need to let those children know that you are not going anywhere, that you are there for them and love them. You can explain to them that mommy is going through something and though she loves them very much, she needs to figure out some stuff. Or however you want to explain it.
Then, continue on. Getting dragged back into the drama will not serve you well and therefore, will not serve your children well, either.
M, keep them talking to someone. Talk to their teachers and let them know what is going on. Find a female relative or friend who could maybe be in their lives.
Sorry MHL you are going through this. What comes to mind is you are trying to fix this for your children. Well, it can't be fixed. I am not sure why you are bothering and getting angry over something you can't control.
I get and understand that you want your ex to be a responsable parent, but she is unable to do that today. For whatever reason. I have been down that road and I get the anger and the no answering and responding to calls, texts from the kids. Being on the other side now, it was the depression battle that my h was dealing with that kept him as an irresponsible parent. It didn't mean he didn't care, but he was battling a deep deep depression that prevented him from being available to our kids and to me as well which he wasn't strong enough to get himself out of.
I can only suggest that you do the best that you can with your parenting which sounds like you are doing awesome at and let the chips fall where they may in regards to your ex. I am not so sure I would encourage a relationship with your kids and ex since they seem to be so hurt by her non-responses.
When my h was not home and the kids would call and he would not respond and they were hurt. I would simply say something like I am sorry dad is not returning your call. You have left him a message, so I am sure he will call back when he can and then just left it at that. I just let my kids form their own opinion of the situation. This way my thoughts and feelings did not dictate their relationship.
Best of luck. I wish it were a different way for you, but I guess this is life as we know it today. Doesn't mean that couldn't change though in the future.
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
I'm really sorry for what you and your kids are going through.
You mentioned that D14 is on AD's. I can tell you that my youngest D is on AD's and the 1st one didn't work well. Just something to keep an eye out for. Is she seeing a shrink for the AD's or were they prescribed by her Pediatrition?
My D has gone into crisis (cutting, suicidal ideations)and I know the stress of what your going through.
The last time my D went into crisis, I let H know with basic details (ie: cutting, suicidal) leaving him to ask any questions if he chose (he didn't). I made sure he had her Counselors phone number so he could call her for any further info. After she started see a shrink also, I don't think I did give him her number. I would if he asked and he knows D is on AD's.
There isn't much you can do for you xw. It's nice that she asked you what you thought she should do. Personally, I would have told her to contact the Counselor. I know that I may sound heartless about this, I'm not. I understand the anger that can build up behind all of this and how easy it is to spill over, not helping anyone esp your D14.
How is your son taking all of this?
That you are there and really present, will make all the difference.
Hey MHL, I know I do not post to you normally but a little birdy told me there was this guy on the boards who was dealing with the same sort of thing that I had with my XW.
I have read back a bit and while we are not identical we are certainly similar.
My d17 has not seen her mother other than once for 2 minutes in over two years. Her mom texts her maybe once every two months and its usually just a one liner that is for the most part meaningless and guilt laden.
My S14 splits his time between me and his mom. He has to deal with the nightmare that is his mothers life every other week. He gets sick and tired of her bull, but sticks it out because he does not like the thought of her not being in his life at all. Yet he does speak more lately about living with me full time and in his words "letting her live her life".
My D17 was in therapy for two years starting when she was 14. The therapist understood and agreed with her and her choice not to have a relationship with her mom. She did however make sure that my daughter understood that she does need a strong female in her life during her teen years.
So how do you deal with it? Well here is what I can tell you. The first thing is you have to view your xw as having an illness. You have to console your children as if she really was mentally ill. When it comes to your daughters relationship with her mom, stay out of it. Let the two of them work that out. Be supportive of your daughter, but do not get involved.
When talking to your xw, do not counsel her. Do not continue to feed her the map to success only to be let down every time. You have told her whats wrong, let it go. She is not going to magically change and become mother of the year. If she ever does come around it will take months, if not years, of work for her to repair damaged relationships with your children. No offense, and forgive me moderators, but fuckk giving her a call every time you go see your daughter. Let her get off her butt and go try and see her,. Even if she gets rejected at the door it will mean more to your kid that her mother tried. You telling her whats happening does not serve a good purpose for their relationship. Make her earn it.
There are medications that will help your daughter. Losing your mom, whether it be to a death, mental illness, or any other reason is tough on a teenage girl. They can give her meds that are non-intrusive but help her to stay level and not get depressed. She will be ok MHL, you just be her dad and support her.
Your son probably is in the same boat as mine. He sees the insanity, but its more important to him to have his mom in his life in some capacity than to not have her at all. She isnt calling him back, does that really surprise you? Really? Nah, its just easy to get upset and protect our cubs by acting like we are upset and in attack mode.
Allow nothing to surprise you, expect nothing and you cannot be let down, you are a single parent and you need to separate your relationships with your kids from your relationship with your xw. Be a single parent in every sense of the word. You do not have a competent partner that you can count on so stop setting yourself up for disappointment. You have gotten yourself to a point where she cant hurt you anymore, get yourself in that same place when it comes to your kids and her relationships.
I don't know if any of this helps or not, but I can tell you that it does get better once you let go of the woman you once knew and start accepting the one she is now.
Keep taking care of your kids. Thats what matters most.